I am a 35 year old woman. I have been with my husband since we were in our late teens/ early twenties. We are very close and I have no doubt he loves me. I love him and feel we are suited to each other. He is intelligent, funny, good in bed and we enjoy each other's company.
Five years ago I had an affair with a guy I used to be online friends with a long time ago. He was just out of an unhappy relationship. We had a great physical relationship (albeit online) but because I was married, he kept an emotional distance. This affected me a lot and we talked about this almost constantly, till he walked away, but then re-initiated contact a few months later. I had learnt some emotional distance at this point. We are now more friends than lovers, he says my coming into his life after his break-up was timely and I 'saved' him. The strange thing is that at the start of the relationship this is precisely what I had anticipated and wanted. I felt like he needed me and I had this need to give at every level. We are now really good friends. He sees other women and I am happy with this.
However, a year ago I had this guy from work that I gave my number to regarding a work related issue. He began to text me. Even though I told him I was married. When I asked him what he had in mind he said 'he did not plan everything about his life'. He asked me to come over to his place saying 'we did not have to do anything..he just wanted to hold me'. He was clear about the fact that he had a girlfriend, though he did not seem altogether happy in the relationship.
We ended up sleeping together on two occasions (the 'holding' plan never worked out) more than a year ago. Our beginning time was intense, though he would sometimes not text for a week but when we met he was physically very passionate. We used to work in the same place..if we met in the corridor and he did not say hello and I texted him and asked why he's say 'my mind stopped when I saw you'. But most of the time he was emotionally distant not maintaining much contact and reluctant when I texted. If I asked him why he said 'this was not a relationship' and there was 'no point'. I asked him to maintain contact just even at friends/ platonic/ human level, but he was pretty consistent about shunning me ill it was all over a about a month into the start of our physical relationship.
I kept e-mailing him once every few weeks and he got back in touch after a few months saying 'it felt strange to not say anything'. We flirted on and off by text, he wanted me to spend the night (about a week before he moved to another city). As soon as he moved he closed things off again..saying there was 'no point' and he 'just wanted to finish his time here and leave, did not want to get attached' (he is from another country and eventually plans to leave maybe a year or two from now). I have no idea what was in his heart or whether this was all a one night stand situation to him. I felt we could have been as emotionally close as I had been with the previous guy. I don't really want a relationship, more that he should place some value on what we had as I did. I texted him a lot, he blocked me everywhere. I think he may actually be worried and scared regarding the intensity of my feeling and the possible outcome and i cannot afford to stay in touch any more. I am really confused and hurt..and the crux of it is I miss him a lot. I just wish I knew what went on with him.
I know for SURE that I will NEVER wander into another extra-marital situation again. I just want to get over this so I can concentrate on my marraige and life. Too much time wasted. And no..thankfully we don't have kids. But I can't seem to find my way through this..
I'd really appreciate any thoughts. I wonder if I am ill somehow?
"I love him (husband) and feel we are suited to each other. He is intelligent, funny, good in bed and we enjoy each other's company."
Why on earth do you have the need to be with other men when this is how you feel about your husband? Why seek male attention outside of your marriage?
You married young. What have YOU been doing all this time in terms of career, etc.
Is there a reason why you don't have children?
I think you don't want to admit that you were just a "booty call" A guy from works asks you to come over just to hold you? you sleep with him, he then becomes distant, he shuns you, but you still want to be friends. He then calls wanting to spend the night before he moves (booty call again) He then blocks your texts, wants no more contact, shuns you, you now wonder what went wrong.
Nothing went wrong with him- he got what he wanted.
Your poor husband,you suck. Tell the poor man the truth.