He doesnt want anyone to know about us?
I have been dealing with this dilemma for 8 months now. First, my boyfriend of nearly two years barely informed his family about us 8 months ago. Even though he told me I needed to tell mine. Odd? Then he refuses to add me to facebook, says "I dont post anything interesting" when I ask, he tells me to drop it. Weird? I learned that none of his friends know about us at all. He wont say he's with me, but he doesn't say he's single. And he deletes all the pictures I send him. Strange? And lastly, this one hurt..a lot. He bought me a promise ring for our 1 year. Told me to always wear it. But then when I went to meet his family he told me "you need to take that off before we get there" when I asked why, " I dont want them to see it. I dont want them to think we're serious." That really hurt me. This is a guy who supposedly wants to marry me, and have three kids who already chose the names of. I get so angry and depressed when I think about this. I just hope I can get some opinions or advice. Thank you.
Hmmm. sure does seem odd to me and it sounds like he is sending you tons of mixed signals all the time. hurry up, no wait type of thing. Has he ever given you reasons why he wants the two of you to be a secret?
He doesn't want his family to know that we met online. But they were understandable about the race issue I dont see why they wouldn't be understandable about that, you know?
It really shouldn't matter where you met, if you are happy together then that is what is important, I think anyway.
Tell him to just say you met through friends. Get that part over with. Its really not a big deal you would think.
I think that it is important that if he says he wants to be with you and marry you then he shouldn't be holding back letting people know you're a couple. Seems like there are more issues at hand other than where u met.
Do you trust him?
Oddly enough, after all he has done and said, I actually do trust him. We both have had bad experiences with relationships where cheating was a problem. So I figure he would never do that because he knows what it feels like to be hurt.
He minimize your relationship, why would he not tell his friends? He deletes all your pictures (that's a red flag) Asks that you remove your ring because he doesn't want his family to think that he's that serious about you (BIG BIG red flag) I wouldn't ignore the obvious signs. He says all the things you want to hear, yet his actions are in complete opposite.
Tell him you no longer want to be his " in the shadow girlfriend, ask that he be upfront with you, either you ARE his GF or you're NOT. He's treating you as if 'you're not.
Yes exactly. And that is what is really confusing. He told his family, which I thought would be a bigger deal. But not his friends. I will ask him these questions today, thank you!
What exactly did he tell his parents? Explain the race issue.
In his last relationship who did the cheating?
Sending back your pictures was rude. His mix signals are issues that he needs to explain " Dropping it" is not an explanation.
He left me to tell them how we met. And i told them through friends. He is white, who only dated white girls. I'm native American so it was certainly a shock to them. The girlfriend was the one to do the cheating. He initially told me that he didn't save them because a friend took his phone and saw my pictures and made a sexual comment. Which I dont know is true, or something he thought I would be flattered by. So he said he didn't want to risk saving them and have his friends see. Which I dont understand because I dont send revealing pictures.
When an answer doesn't make sense then it usually isn't truth.
Maybe if his friend knew you were his girlfriend I doubt if would have made the comment.
You need a real understanding going forward that you will not be his secret.
Remind him that he should be considering your feels over his friends.
Usually when someone says something that doesn't make sense, then it's normally not the truth .Maybe if his friend knew you were his girl friend the comment may never have been said. You need to really get an understanding that going forward you will not be in the shadows.
He needs to consider your feelings over his friends.
I'm just unsure, he just said it was because he didn't want anyone to do or say anything. Lost lost lost
It sounds like he's embarrassed to acknowledge you publically. He wants to marry you so he hides you? He should be proclaiming your existence from mountain tops for all the world to know that you are his! What's his problem? No nuts?
I wish you the best with that relationship.
"I dont want them to think we're serious.""
The following standard post-trauma explanation doesn't make what he's doing *acceptable* but - just so's you're aware of what's going on when partners behave this way. (Quote marks indicate his perceptions):
The cheating episode obviously hit him far harder than yours did you, meaning, now that he who's behind you on the recovery path has realised he bit off more than he can chew (in terms of how under his skin you've become equalling real fear of ever losing you), he's trying to avoid or minimise ending up "yet again" with serious egg on his face. If people don't know about your relationship or are unaware of just how serious the two of you are, then, when you "inevitably" dump he who is "obviously" so ultimately rejectable, he won't appear such a giant, repeat "failure", especially to friendly-competitive friends both in real life and on 'Fakebook' (where shiny-happy-successful appearances are the order of the day)...
Additionally, a lot of people still think using dating websites carries a stigma of desperation and failure. And that would include his parents' generation.
...PLUS, if he tries to keep you somewhat sequestered then one of his mates won't get the opportunity to "nick you right from under his nose" or "work on putting him off you" by flicking his insecurity nerves for their own sneaky agendas or pure sport.
In other words, he's still in high DefCon thanks to the double-whammy of betrayal followed hot-on-the-heels by divorce and thinks he's just being extra-protective. But being in DefCon, it's not really occurred to him how INSULTING this comes across as to you. So, yes, you do have to have a sit-down chat with him about it to make him realise this belief and behaviour of his represents his *guaranteeing* failure via a negative self-fulfilling prophesy.