When do you call it quits
My husband and I have been married for less than a year and have been together for 4 years. We have faced many obstacles like him lying about drug use and even when caught still lying. He also has a very poor outlook on most things in life. He finds a reason to complain even on the best of days. This is not how it was when we first met. When we get into arguments and his children are around, he calls me names and screams at me in front of them. I am not faultless but no matter what he promises, a couple days later we are back in the same pit. I'm tired of not being happy. I promised myself that when I got married it would last and I would not give up. But I don't think I can handle it anymore. Last night he didn't come home. He had went to his brothers house for a party and never called or showed up until 8am this morning. I had called and texted him over and over again but he wouldn't even answer. I don't know how to make this work anymore. Getting a divorce is a failure to me and I take failure very hard... Not sure what I should do...
You're looking at divorce as a personal failure but you need to look at it a different way and that's to see it as an end to a bad situation and the start of something new. You mention his children and while some people say divorce is traumatic for kids, it worse letting them live in the environment that you have described in your post. His behavior towards you in front of his kids, is basically teaching them to disrespect you, regardless of your input with their care.
Just as you chose this guy to be your married partner after 4 years together, you have a choice to remain with him or not. You need someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. While you remain you will be just as you have described in your post. Counseling may help you, but it doesn't always work and you both need to have the need to give it a chance.
Your husband's actions are speaking and they are saying that you're on your own in this relationship. Just as you promised yourself you would make your marriage work, how can you succeed when all successful relationships rely on both partners contributing daily...whether you're married or not.
You have your personal values and standards but you need to share your life with a guy who has similar qualities. Take your thoughts further and realize that regardless of your 4 previous years together, you are still a bride, married for less than a year.. and here you are having to do battle to survive at the cost of your happiness and health. Yes, you may view divorce as a failure but you are basically failing yourself if you allow yourself to try and co exit with someone who obviously, at times, doesn't care about you and his marriage vows to you.
"This is not how it was when we first met."
Are you sure? Perhaps love clouded your vision. Did you just not see his issues (drugs, irritability, blaming, short-temper, drinking?)
The "failure" would be to not act in a way that safeguards you and (?) children and your future.
HE has failed this marriage, not you.
Hear-hear to both posts!
Here's the thing with walking away, ConfusedAndOverIt: Like anything, the action has to be judged in context. Walking away quite soon or walking away quite late can both represent an act either of strength or weakness. What dictates which is what I call the light-to-dark ratio. E.g. if when viewed OVERALL your relationship is only 60:40 then there's probably too much work and effort ahead of you/the pair of you to bring it more into the Ideal territory of 80:20, ergo you'd be able to look back in future and say walking away was the sensible, self-preservationist choice to make (because relationships shouldn't be THAT incredibly hard, particularly so early on). However, you also have to feel you did your very best in terms of what improvement options were open to you so that you'll "rrrregret rrrrien" further down the line.
'This thing we call failure is not the falling down but the STAYING down" (- Mary Pickford).
Either cut your losses OR first issue him a sincere ultimatum (- marital combined with individual (him) counselling or no dice!).
He's just going to keep on breaking your heart. You've been with him five years total now. Do you want to go another five years with him or would you rather run across someone who is really responsible, doesn't abuse drugs, isn't verbally abusive, actually treats you with respect and really shows you that he loves you.
Or you can continue being miserable with the man you're with right now.
I'm curious... In the beginning of your relationship with your current boyfriend/husband. Were you attracted to him because he had kind of a "bad-boy" behavior or was he just charming?
Thank you all for your responses. This has been a very difficult time for me.
To answer your questions, in the beginning of our relationship he was the opposite of the person he is today. He was very positive about life. He used to say it is what it is so make the best of it. He was sweet and caring and made me feel like the only thing that mattered. I would say that his attitude quickly changed after the first time I caught him lying to me. Since then he has progressively gotten worse attitude wise and now if you saw us together, you would not even think we liked each other.
As for looking past things early on, we had (or so I thought) very open and honest communications. He having been divorced had done a lot of improvements on himself from the mistakes he has made in the previous relationship. He also admitted that he smoked weed. I told him that I could not be with someone who does drugs. He told me he would not do it anymore... But that turned out to be that he would just not tell me he was doing it.
Everyone puts their very best foot forward during the initial Honeymoon Period. Could be that he put his too far, in order to bag you, to the point of presenting an overly false persona (unsustainable forever). Certainly, if merely because you'd found out he'd been lying to you in ways that he knew mattered to you he instantly dropped the act then the answer is obvious, isn't it - you married moreover a mask and those post-divorcal improvements on himself were really all just a female-impressive fact-finding expedition with which to sound good in principle without any intention of applying it all in practise, least of all when most called for and/or under emotional pressure?
Saying that, how badly you reacted at the time might have set in motion a negative, downward interactional loop as then collected more and more mutual resentment as has brought you here to "apparently don't even like one another" city with seemingly no way forward?
I couldn't say which, you'd have to go into greater detail, e.g.: What self-improvements specifically? What did he lie about (or are you still talking only about the weed?) and describe the whole stream of events from the point of confrontation?
Weed per se isn't a problem. It's whether someone overdoes it whereby it enters the realm of negativity and stops them functioning normally, be that in all life areas or just the romantic facet. Does it affect his relationship behaviour or is the trouble you're having with the fact he early on gave a false Green light as had you proceeding where otherwise you'd have abandoned the journey altogether (meaning, you now wish you could call Advertising Standards to report having been duped)?
To tell someone 'I smoke weed' within the initial bonding stages is an honest self-disclosure. HOWEVER, if when you say it's unacceptable all he does in response is PRETEND to stop, then that translates to this: "This is me, take me as I am because I am not willing to bend and flex to accommodate you and your needs/values." By the same token, screaming at you in front of the kids smacks in part of his trying to convey to the kids that HE is the "authoritah" around here, not you (- yeah, 'Cartman', you've proven such an admirable leader, haven't you :-p). Do those two attitudes sum up his entire global one toward you/your relationship/female lovers generally (or women generally in whatever sector) as far as you're concerned?
Not being accountable to you for his actions even BEYOND the 1am mark is what you'd expect from some stranger who lived across town and felt had no connection with you, let alone a shared life as demands responsibilities/duties. Nor is going to a party without you in the first place!
If he wants to be and act like a single man then he keep you out of it because you signed up for a HUSBAND.
However, I can hear you're still in Denial stage and not nearly ready to chuck it all in out of defeat admission. So instead of thinking you have to go the whole hog just yet, why DON'T you issue him a sincere ultimatum of counselling or no dice? Or are you still insufficiently ready to do THAT?
"It is what it is so make the best of it." There are probably different ways to look at that quote, honestly. It could be positive, or it could be negative. It is basically a really neutral sort of saying, suggesting that you can't change things so you just need to live with them. Maybe your husband has always been kind of a negative person, maybe he was positive at one time, or maybe he is kind of neutral about things. Whatever the case, I actually don't think that matters too much to this situation.
What bothers me most is that he is lying, and he uses drugs. I guess my next question would be whether we are just talking about pot, or harder drugs. I have never done drugs, or so much as pot, or smoking in my life - so I can totally understand not really wanting to be with someone who does that kind of stuff. But going by what experienced people have said, there is a pretty big difference between people who smoke weed and people who do cocaine or something. I think drugs in general aren't good because they can heavily alter a person's awareness and personality. It probably wouldn't be fun being around someone who is lethargic or abusive.
Your verbal insults are also not good, so is this vicious cycle that the two of you find yourselves in. I have to wonder what kinds of arguments you get into, how intense they are, and what problems keep repeating. Maybe he feels smothered in the relationship, or maybe he is trying to do his drugs elsewhere in an attempt to keep you from having to put up with him that way. Maybe it's more like the problems my wife and I have, where sometimes there are just communication problems or we need some time to ourselves.
My wife's friend is in a similar situation to you, maybe better or worse, I have no idea. She married this guy she was head over heels for, but since he moved in he's been unpredictable and a bit of a loose canon. Every now and then, he just gets on this kick and needs to go buy some drugs, and then he talks to his friends who are equally unsavory folks, and they put more stupid ideas into his head. And then the nights usually don't end too well - he puts his arm through the wall, or gets beaten up by someone, or gets arrested - something of that nature. If you're in a situation like that... I really don't know what makes women like you put up with that - a relationship like that is just not safe or good to be in.
If the situation isn't nearly that bad, well then that is a good thing. But you aren't happy, and there is a problem. Things need to be addressed.