Crushing on a girl (15 M)
*All names will be fake for privacy reasons.*
I had known this girl (let us call her Jennifer) for a couple of years but never found any interests in talking to her. After slowly easing into conversation I realized that I really liked her and wanted to get to know her better. The day we really started to be comfortable around her was the same day I was flying away on a family vacation.
Throughout the whole trip, I was attempting to talk to her and really figure out her personality. At this time she had a boyfriend for (about) a month and a half, but more on that later. I realized that even though I really enjoyed talking to her, it was hard to know if she was actually interested.
Because of the fact that I was 5 hours ahead of her, I would have to stay up relatively late (12am-3am) just to even talk to her. When her boyfriend (he shall be referenced as Mark) would be shitty to her, I would be there to help her out. When she would have an issue, I could tell her how to handle a situation.
On my return back home, we started to talk a lot more at school, and even more afterwards. I would come home, plug my phone in, and then we would talk (whilst doing homework, studying, etc) until one of us would get sleepy and hang up the phone so we could go to bed.
This cycle basically repeated every day for a couple weeks, until we stopped hanging up the phone. It's something insignificant, but for some reason it really made me feel better. Instead, I set up a script so that the phone would automatically hang up before her "free calling" ended.
Anyway, one gigantic issue is that throughout 15 years of my life, I had never experienced anything as close to a "relationship" as this. I have never kissed anybody, had a relationship, or even liked anybody before. Where as on the other hand she HAS had plenty of relationships, kissed/made out with plenty guys, and has most definatley liked people before.
Another problem is the fact that I look as if I fell face first into the ugly tree, and she is really attractive. I am a decently overweight guy who is into staying home, video games, anime, and technology; and she is a beautiful girl who likes rowing, partying, and is 100000000000000x more experienced than me when it comes to social interaction and relationships.
At this point, I know that I must have a decently mediocre personality if she still continues to talk to me every night (even if she was still dating Mark). She is a very private person and has a very difficult time sharing any personal details about her past with me, which I totally understand but it makes it even more difficult to understand her as a person. It is also hard to get any legitimate grasp on her feelings towards anything (guys, relationships, other people).
Push came to shove, and she realized that she wasn't happy at all in her current relationship. Jen decided it was a great time to stop the relationship (this was about 4-5 days before their 2 month anniversary). In a short explanation: Mark would never make Jen happy, because he was an egotistical idiot who only ever did things to benefit himself.
So now Jennifer is single, but she always told me all of her relationships with guys has been really garbage. This puts pressure on me, because evidently I really like this girl, but I am unaware of what I should do because I haven't been in this situation before.
(We are nearing the end, I promise :D)
Now that she is single, obviously she can go and freely talk and flirt with other guys, which meant I really had to show her that I had feelings for her. We started hanging out more and more (because she had free time with Mark out of the picture) and I really feel as if this can lead somewhere.
Fast forward of the same "basic cycle" for about a week or two, and we come to about early-mid July. She had been talking to Mark's cousin in a very flirtatious manner, which of course has me worried because overall he is more attractive than me. While also talking to him, she talks to assorted guys from our area thanks to services such as Hot or Not, Kik, Snapchat, etc.
Because I basically talk to her at all possible times because I am really interested in what she has to say, and I know exactly what goes on in these conversations. Whenever she uses Hot or Not/Kik/Snapchat, I just hear her go: "hoooooooooooooooooooooooly shit, he is hot as hell" or "omfg he is so god damn sexy". Of course, because I know that she most definatley doesn't find me physically attractive at all, this makes me feel like absolute crap. She always talks about how great looking these guys are.
I was talking to one of her friends about it (we can call her Mary), and she told me that: "being good looking is definitely what catches a girls attention, but an enjoyable conversation, and a great personality is what makes her stick around. If you haven't realized, you are definitely that for her." This definatly filled me with hope, but it didn't help that other "attractive" people were also constantly texting her, and making her happy.
So she likes hot guys, who are experienced, and that like to be social. I am the exact opposite of this, which kills me emotionally, and has brought me to shitty places mentally.
We recently found out that she got mono (probably from Mark, because she hasn't kissed anybody since then) so she hasn't been able to talk very often. One of these days I was a bit busy, and I wasn't able to put as much detail in my texts.
She tells me: "I have really grown to hate talking to you, ngl (not gunna lie)."
Me: "Why? I am so sorry, Jennifer."
Jennifer: "You always say you're so interested in our conversations, but you never actually are. Don't be sorry, I don't really care."
Me: "I do care though, Jennifer. I am interested in what you have to say, I've just been a bit busy these past couple days."
Jennifer: "I don't want to deal with you if you're going to be over dramatic, not tonight."
Me: "I won't be, I was saying I feel like shit because you said you've grown to hate talking to me."
Jennifer: "No it's fine, we are all gooooooooooood."
Me: "Alright. That scared me."
Me: "I don't know, I guess I've grown too dependent on our conversations and I wouldn't want to lose that."
Jennifer: "Calm down, it's okay."
Me: "Sorry, it's just that my heart sank."
And then things were a bit awkward for a day, but I called her again tonight, and everything was fine. She told me she can sleep better if we hang up the phone, rather than just leaving it on, so I told her that "after I'm done typing something" I would hang up the phone so she can sleep... *BEEP BEEP* I hear someone calling her phone... *BEEP BEEP*... She wakes up: "Alright, I'm going to answer this but I might fall asleep before I can hang up on him" (this was a guy shes known for a decently long time, who she finds very funny, attractive, and she texts all the time).
Now I am sitting here, typing this up, and I want to know how I can try and figure out what I have to do. I need some guidance, or someone to tell me what I am doing wrong.
**tl;dr**: Been talking to a girl for a decent amount of time, I think I have been getting jealous for a while but I don't know. I really like her but lack the experience to try and further advance this situation.