Have taken on more than I can chew? - Please advise
I have been seeing my girlfriend for over a year now and I'm a bit overwhelmed. This is her 2nd lesbian relationship (she is bisexual) and has 3 children ages 11, 17, and 20. At the start of us dating she told me that she had been sexually abused by her mother's boyfriend between ages 5-12. She told her mother about the abuse on a couple of occasions, once as a child and again as an adult but her mother did not believe her. I've encouraged her to seek therapy but she has not taken that step as of yet. She has confronted her mother once again and was told by her that she did not remember my girlfriend coming to her about the abuse previously. Her mother told her that she would stop seeing the boyfriend but my girlfriend found out weeks later that she was still involved with him. Before I came along, there was this even crazier hidden dysfunction where my girlfriend's kids would call her abuser 'Pa-Pa'. My GF would allow this monster to be in her life just to please her mother all while she is constantly in pain and taking her anger out on others mostly me and the kids. This has been extremely challenging because she still continues to have this unhealthy relationship with her mother. She has since told her oldest children about the abuse and verbally stated some boundaries with her mother as long as her mother continues to have a relationship with the abuser. I see that she is taking steps towards healing but my question is, am I in over my head with this relationship? It is already hard to date a woman that has children from previous relationships and her oldest daughter has no life or boundaries so she gives my gf guilt trips if there is not enough attention on her. I really do love her and want this to work but I am drained sometimes and feel that I give more to the relationship although she has gotten a lot better. I cannot stand her mother but my GF is extremely sensitive about her mother and her kids. Although I feel that her mother does not give a damn about her . She spoils the crap out of her kids as well as her mother and for the longest time she would give me hell if I gave her advice about them. I've said things like they should have more responsibility, they are too spoiled and her 20 year old shouldn't call 10 times when we're out of town or on a date with non emergencies. Any advice you can give will be much appreciated.
You have listed several "challenges" to this relationship. "Proximity" theory says that you will become what you are close to, so ---- do you want to become absorbed into this world?
I think you have a gut feeling, but are looking for validation. Re-read your own post and you will find that.
Good luck. Love will come again.
First of all your GF needs counseling. The boundaries with regards to ALL of her children should have been in place years ago. The fact that her mother continues any relationship with this Sex Offender is unconscionable. Her children should never be allowed at her mother's house. If her mother wants to visit her children it should be at her house.
Because of the severe dysfunction issues in this family, I feel you will always be on the outside, your opinions will be seen only as criticism.
Why not step back and continue being a friend. This is a lot to sign up for.
Thanks SUSIEDQQQ and SKINNYGIRL for your responses.
I have really strong feelings for this woman and it is not easy to walk away. Would walking away be insensitive of me especially when she has been working on healing from this? Does she not deserve love or a relationship until after she goes to counseling? I do often times feel overwhelmed and this is a whole lot that is why I am on the fence. Fortunately, her mother lives 4 hours away, her son went to live with his father and her oldest daughter should be moving back into her dorm in January. She has made progress with boundaries but I definitely feel there is more room for improvement. I agree wholeheartedly that my GF needs counseling but I'm not sure if I can just walk away without trying to help her. I'm not sure if I would be able to only have a platonic relationship with her.
This is indeed a troubling situation. It reminds me of my house when I was growing up. My mother was sexually abused, and she sexually abused us 3 children. But she's still your mother. Awful situation to be in, and you can't make a right choice.
One reason I bring this up is, that the mother of this woman who was sexually abused was probably sexually abused.
Another point I want to make is that I have just recently figured out that mothers (50%)who are abused, want their male or female children to be sexually abused, for it matches their childhood.
I can look back and see about 4 examples of this in my life. The usual practice is to marry a guy who is not the childrens' father, show them she has a young daughter or two during their courtship, don't show a lot of protection toward the children during that time, move in with the guy, and then the mother go to the grocery store for an hour or two with the stepfather there at the house with the children, week and week after week.
Moving out of town with no protection from the extended family, is always a good move, and then moving back into the town where the grandparents are after the abuse has taken place is a pattern for these mothers.
Also, never telling the children to report any improper behavior, and then when the child runs to the mother with a report, the mother declares that that did not happen.
My abused wife's mother was such a slackoff that my wife was abused as a child, and the mother, who was not abused herself, showed no more concern about that years later than she did during the time the abuse happened. When my wife died of a long term illness 5 years ago, that same now-aging mother coming to visit my wife as she was sick, and showing "concern," was about more than I could stand.
I never talked to her during those visits. The same who caused all of those problems, now showing "concern."
I mentioned this because you are involved around a similar type of mother, the mother of your friend. I couldn't do that. Being around the woman who denied that her now grown daughter was sexually abused by her stepfather, and still dates the stepfather. That's why it's denied. She's sick.
The first red flag that the mother knows, is that it happened when your friend was from 5-12. One incident, maybe, but doubtfull. Seven years? Seven years????? Any fool can figure that out.
The mother of your friend not only 1. allowed that to go on. but also 2. knew it was going on and 3. set it up so that it would go on. For you to go around her mother is beyond understanding.
Your friend and yourself are in a very seedy situation. Sex abuse is probably not all the mother stepfather are capable of. You both need to clear out of there.
But, as with my family, hey, it's mom, and it's difficult to detach yourself. I fought that for decades, and didn't do any better in trying to break away.
Thanks for sharing your story and the advice PJVL9.
I am sorry for your loss. I sympathize with your situation and know that it was hard to deal with your wife's mother. I am not married to my girlfriend but am already irritated with the way her mother carries on with her like she is a concerned parent. It makes me sick to my stomach. I do not believe that her mother was unaware of the abuse. I believe that she knew and allowed it to happen. 7 years is a very long time to not know what's going on. That is what her mom has to live with for the rest of her life.
I am still on the fence about this relationship. I honestly do not know if things will get better. There are way too many red flags and it is coming clearer to me everyday, that I just need to walk away. My GF does not feel she needs therapy and thinks she can just self heal but it seems quite hard to just heal yourself if you are not sure what is broken. I know she is afraid and does not want to push her mom away but I do not feel that their "fake" relationship is conducive to her right now. Counseling is.