No communication, no happiness
I've been married for almost 4 months, but we have been together for 4 years. This marriage thing has definitely started out wrong and it's causing me to feel hopeless about the whole thing. I won't bore you with the details of our past but long story short, he is a very closed off person...always has been. He doesn't like to express his feelings unless they are positive and about himself, and when anyone brings up anything negative he immediately goes on the defensive. He's just not easy to talk to, especially about matters that are important. I feel like I can't get my point across, and I guess that's why I'm here.
Anyway, I'm just not happy. We don't have sex like a normal newlywed couple does. Since the honeymoon, we barely even touch and we have to force ourselves to be intimate. When we are, I hardly even enjoy it. We fell back into normalcy way too quickly. He lives inside his cell phone, always facebooking, texting, calling friends, etc. I feel like he's married to his phone and the imaginary friends inside of it. I try so hard to be tactful and polite when I bring this up, but he gets so mad when I say anything about it. We don't talk, and if we do, it's always about him. The minute I start talking, he's back to the phone. I just don't know how to make it better. I'm looking for some support because I don't want us to continue living like this...like roommates. I feel like if he would hear me out and actually attempt to do better, I could be happier. But then again, I don't even know. I've struggled with depression my whole life and it takes a lot for me to find true happiness once I'm in a rut like this.
Don't get me wrong, he does try. He makes an effort, but then he's right back to his old ways once he did the dishes or folded his laundry, whatever it may be that should have made me happy with him again. He knows I'm unhappy, and I think that's caused him to shut down even more. The one thing that makes me the most angry is when I tell him what I need and he ALWAYS says "so it's all my fault" or "what else am I doing wrong?" In a very sarcastic way. I can't even talk to him when that happens.
I don't want to give up this soon into this marriage. Things were good before we tied the knot, so why the misery so soon after? Any advice will be helpful.
I am so sorry you are going through this! I want you to know that you are not alone. This happens in most marriages. A marriage is two individuals attempting to learn to co exist. This takes patience and effort to reach a desired outcome. Perhaps your libido is higher than his? We are taught as women that men should be salivating at the mouth for us, and if they aren't then something is wrong. The gender differences are more complicated than that. Men tend to lack sex drive when they lack self esteem. You say he is dismissive and defensive when you try to discuss your problems in an open forum. It sounds as if he is internalizing what you are saying, and ingesting them as if they were attacks. You also state that you don't enjoy sex when you do have it. That is something which is hard to hide. He may realize you don't enjoy sex very much and in turn add it to his list of failings.
It's good that you don't want to give up on him. As I believe this is just a normal passage of marriage. However, I see two people hurting from this situation. Whatever you are doing now, obviously isn't working because it isn't yielding the response you want. Approach it from a different angle, one he won't expect. Allow him to have some control so he doesn't feel like he is being attacked. Talk in a calm and rational manner and give him acknowledgement when he reflects behavior that is productive and communicative for your relationship. I believe positivity and praise is the answer here. Helping to rebuild his self esteem as a man, will in turn help to boost yours. You are two separate people, and finding a middle ground that works for you both is the best outcome.