I always act happy. I'm good at that. But I really am very sad. And very alone. I think it's because my troubles aren't as bad as they could be. And I am very grateful for so many things, that I don't feel like my feelings matter. I am so alone in my marriage. And parenting. It is exhausting. I could list reasons but I don't think it would help. I think just letting people know that I am going through a hard time mentally, will help. Because I'm never going to act different. I don't like the attention. When you ask me how I am, I'm great. Because I am! In the grand scheme of things. But the me on the inside, doesn't know why she is in this marriage. But I know I don't want to be out of it either. I love my husband. I just wish he would care about how I feel. And how he makes me feel. If I tell him anything, he will minimize it. Make it seem very stupid. And point out all the work he does for me. He does a lot for us. Just doesn't care how he makes me feel.
Most people say when asked how are you? Say the same as you- people don't really mean HOW are you really? It's just a form saying hello Most men ignore women's feelings., they either don't have a clue or just don't care.
Sometimes husbands aren't everything you need them to be. You might also feel that he doesn't give you enough attention. So don't expect him to change this is HIM! Focus on making YOU happy. Join a club, get out more take a class, do what makes you feel good. Get a new hair cut,whatever feels good to YOU!
Providing for one's family does not equal ignoring how a person feels. You got security, that's all he feels is necessary.
Suggest counseling, if he say no, then you go
This site is very useful to talk with others who understand what you're going through.
How old are you? Years married? Ages of the kids?
Not that it all matters, it would just help us get a feel of what is overwhelming you.
When is the last time you did something for yourself? When is the last time you felt good and it was not connected with your doing things for other people?
I don't think it makes any difference, but I'm 32 he's 37. We've been together for 10 and Married for 4. We broke up for similar reasons before. We were broken up for one year. In 2009. Married after Christian counseling. I think it's only for the kids and it's "the right thing to do"! In all actually I would be sad if we weren't together. I just need more. I only want him to notice and try to help me if I'm sad. Which I am. I brought it up a little today. I told him, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm sad. I feel empty and alone. He knew. He said he didn't ask because he was worried how I would react. (I'm apparently some mean giant) he is so wrong. I would love a meaningful conversation. He needs a lot of work. I think we need to go back for some more meetings with the pastor. Because half of me just wants to quit. But the more logical side of me says we have much more good than bad. But then the other side of me thinks I'm settling because we had a baby (2 now) it would be so hard to transition to living apart. It's just no good for anyone. So, that's when I go back to settling.
Hopefully you pastor will suggest counseling with a professional marriage counselor.
Marriage Encounter workshops with weekend sessions have been very helpful to some couple friends I know.
You really need to get the skills to be able to express this emptiness you feel with your husband. And he needs to learn how to express himself, too. He sounds like this is all beyond his understanding. And you sound like you don't know how to express yourself to him except to say you are sad.
When is the last time you two went away, even for an overnight, to re-connect with each other?
"Most people live lives of quiet despiration."
And "You're every person."
"I always act happy. I'm good at that. But I really am very sad."
Why is that? Were you unhappy as a child? Is that your disposition, or did this start 5 or 10 years ago?
"And very alone." Were you "alone" as a child, even around people? Were you alone and despondent as a child, sitting there watching TV with your parents?
"I think it's because my troubles aren't as bad as they could be." You feel bad because you know things could be worse, but you still feel bad?
"And I am very grateful for so many things, that I don't feel like my feelings matter." You're starting to get a little funky now.
"I am so alone in my marriage. And parenting. It is exhausting. I could list reasons but I don't think it would help."
"I think just letting people know that I am going through a hard time mentally, will help. Because I'm never going to act different. This will help, but I'm not going to act differently."
"When you ask me how I am, I'm great. Because I am! In the grand scheme of things. But the me on the inside, doesn't know why she is in this marriage. But I know I don't want to be out of it either."
"I love my husband. I just wish he would care about how I feel. And how he makes me feel."
He makes you feel the way you do? How does he do that?
"Just doesn't care how he makes me feel." How does he make you feel the way you feel?
Thank you for your input. I can't say it was very helpful. Yes I had a bit of a abnormal childhood. But always had a positive outlook. I see others who have it way worse tgan me. I've never been molested, gone hungry, been alone. I've had a great mom and family. It's just the way my husband reacts when I am any less than happy. It's never right. He tends to make things worse. Push me away. Wait for me to "get over it". I don't even have the energy to make him understand. We always go through the same cycle. It's going to take a long fight (conversation with me crying) for him to "get it". I don't know. I'd rather not.
Happy on the outside, what you describe is very similar to my marriage, I was actually searching for advice when I found your post.
I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I'll tell you what I understand about my husbands behaviour. When I speak about my feelings he doesn't comment, not because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't see the need to. I used to be upset about that, but it's just how he is- we are different in that way. If we do talk, it often ends in a row, I don't fully understand why yet. He often tries to "fix" my problems rather than listen and that drives me mad, but he sees that as his role in our relationship because he does care, he just shows it differently.
I know that my feelings of sadness are about feeling alone, but also because I have low self esteem; I'm working on that right now, it's hard- but I realise this clouds how I view my husbands responses to me - fortunately he sees me differently to how I see myself and ultimately that's what I want to hear him say.
Does Any of this ring true for you?
Oh, for goodness' sake, the pair of you! I know men on the whole aren't as good as women at discussing and dealing with feelings nor sorting the issues behind them using their mouths but, not to THAT ridiculous degree! Equally, there are things that women aren't au fait with having to deal with but have to learn flippin' quickly how, the minute they marry. That's marriage for ya! What you don't arrive knowing how to do, you have to bust a gut learning.
They're anti-confrontational and avoidant generally; it's obvious. "Sweep it under the rug and hope it'll sort itself out" merchants. Tough! They're married! If they didn't have the skills for married life WITH A WOMAN nor any intention of learning then they should either have chosen to remain single or switched to being 'behind with the rent'.
I mean, if either of you applied for and got a job that involved 40% admin and you despised admin, meaning, you simply refused to do it (by constantly moving it out of sight to the bottom of the in-tray) - would you expect your employer to keep letting that serious neglect slide - even after having brought in a senior administrator to show you how/make it easier and quicker for you - or would you expect to BE FIRED?
You'd expect to be fired...Two verbal warnings followed by one written and then - OUT!...replaced with an individual that, even if s/he equally despised admin, would at least appreciate  how it was crucial to the smooth-running of the company and  how the smooth always-ALWAYS comes hand-in-hand with rough, and just grit his/her teeth AND GET ON WITH IT!
Yeah, *I'd* feel alone and have low self-esteem if I had committed to living the rest of my life with someone who had long-proven he expected to get the full salary and bonuses for only 70% of the work!
Give them their final, written warning (letter).
Saying that, you have to first be secure in the knowledge that you're regularly, diligently executing your version of yucky admin as well.