I'm so screwed up....
12 years ago, I met a girl in high school after she transferred from a different school. We became friends during that time and after I graduated, (she was a grade under me), she called me out of the wild blue to ask me to go to her Senior Prom with her. Her date had ditched her and I had always told her if she ever needed anything, to just call. To my surprise, she did, and I was more than honored for the request, of which I obliged. I took her to Prom, and paid for everything. I wanted her to have the time of her life. What I didn't expect to happen, was during that night, I realized I had feelings for her. I refused to say anything, because I was afraid it would damage our friendship, and that was more valuable than anything. She came to my house a week later to tell me she was moving back to her old hometown. I told her goodbye, but she had come to see me in hopes that I would tell her to stay. I regretted letting her go from that moment on...
One year later, I found her on Myspace and we got back in touch. It was so good to hear from her. She told me she was coming down on vacation to see all of her old friends, including me. I offered to pick her up from the airport and I took a week off of work so I could spend it with her. We spent the entire week together, and as early as the first day, I conveyed my true feelings for her. We made love that night, and I never wanted her to leave again. She had to though, and I worked hard to get a place of my own so we could move in together when she got back in a month. She moved in with me, and in those few months, we were happier than I've ever been! It seemed my life was a fairy tale. We had our arguments, but who doesn't? What was important was when it was all said and done, we still held on to one another. We laughed, loved, and explored together. It was all too perfect. I never wanted to get married or have children. She did. In time, I couldn't resist anymore. I asked this angel who had come into my life to marry me. We were wed and we moved to a bigger place. I thought the rest of my life would be just like it was then, but that's not how it turned out to be.
As time went by, my wife slowly but surely began to change. I thought it was just because of the pregnancy with our first child, but even after her birth, it continued. We fought a lot more. She became lazier and lazier. We didn't communicate. She stopped taking care of herself as much. I tried to talk to her and reason with her in a loving manner, so she wouldn't see me as being judgmental. I busted my back to support her and the child to the best of my ability and got nothing in return to show appreciation. Talking didn't help. She would just tell me what I wanted to hear and go right back to being the woman she had become. I just wanted my wife back! I tried to become a better man for her that I already was. My father before me was a horrible person, and I swore after watching how he treated my Mom that I would never become him. That I would be better! I lived everyday with that in mind. I tried to be patient, loving, caring, and understanding. Nothing. No changes. I felt unloved and unwanted and it hurt so much, but...I still had my daughter. A couple of years later, my second daughter was born. Still the same old problems. Now we have three absolutely beautiful and intelligent children, of which I couldn't be prouder of. They are both well loved by both parents and so well behaved. We've both done a fantastic job raising them as a team. I've stayed for them.
Last February, just shortly after Valentines day, We had been fighting constantly. It was getting to be too much. I had changed too in that time, and had given up trying to be the loving male I was. I started being brash and direct with her. I told her she was lazy and useless in the relationship. She had been a terrible wife, but still a good person to others and to our kids. I suggested Marriage Counseling. She came back with "It's over." She wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken...devastated. I didn't know what to do. I cried and cried and begged and pleaded but she was set in her decision. She wanted to move and let me have the house. I told her to at least stay until she found a place to go. She did, and two weeks later, she found out she was pregnant with our third child. A friend that we both share, and have shared over the last 6 years came down to the house that day and after some talks, we decided to work it out. I always had suspicions that she just wanted to salvage our 9 year marriage just so she would have help with the baby. I didn't mind. I wanted to be there everyday and watch him grow. As time went by, I slowly started falling out of love with her, and realized I didn't care if she stayed or left. I didn't trust her anymore to not want to just throw it all away when things got tough. I expected her to just leave at any time. I grew distant, and so did she. We co-existed for the sake of our children only. In that timeframe, my friend I mentioned earlier confessed that she was in love with me, but she would do the respectable thing, and keep her feelings at bay for the sake of my happiness. That is one hell of a woman if you ask me. She tried dating others, but it never worked, because they weren't me. I told her she wasn't in love with me, that she just wanted someone like me. I've come to realize that isn't true. She really does love me, and with all of her heart. She wants to make me happy so much, but I didn't want to leave my unhappy situation, because more than anything, it would hurt the kids. They love Mommy and Daddy so much, and we both love them with all of our hearts. My friend, too, loves them so dearly, and treats them so well, even though she doesn't have to. My friend is so selfless, and does so much for my kids, more than my wife ever has.
I came to the realization that I no longer loved Kristi at all, except as the mother to our kids. I grew closer to my friend, and fell for her. I knew it was wrong, but it didn't stop there. After having my surgery last June, my wife changed, and she stepped it up to make sure I was well taken care of. I wondered just how long I had this woman back for. It wasn't long. Her loving and caring self had disappeared again in just two short weeks. That was the last straw. I had enough. I didn't want to be at home with her, but my kids were there. One night, when my friend and I were talking and everyone was asleep, she got emotional, and so did I. One thing led to another, and I lost myself in everything she was. I kissed her. It was a good feeling, one I haven't felt in so long. One kiss, and I felt alive again. Happy again, even if it were just for a few moments. I didn't want to stop, but I forced myself to. My friend swore that day that she would love me for the rest of my life, and would devote herself into doing everything in her power to make me happy, even if I stayed married to my wife, though she obviously hoped I didn't. I believe her. She has already proven that to me. I made things worse when I did one of the many things I swore I would never do to another human being. I cheated on my wife. I know damn well I shouldn't have, and that it was wrong. Horribly wrong. I didn't sleep at all that night. Even though my marriage has emotionally been over for a long time now, I still had no right to do that to my wife! I've been ridden with pain and guilt ever since. Life is so short, and with all my health problems as of late, I feel like mine will be much shorter than expected. I didn't want to continue on being unhappy. I wanted to feel love again. I wanted to feel the desire from someone who genuinely wanted to give that to me. My friend makes me feel that way, and as much as I would love to just divorce my wife and claim my friend as my own, but that would mean I would only have a certain amount of time with my kids. It would hurt the kids. It would hurt me. They are my world. I can't live without them. I don't want to. Ever. Not one single day. I don't want to be miserable either. I can't figure out what I should do. On one hand, I would break the hearts of my children, and my wife. If I chose to stay, I would still have to tell my wife what I've done. If she could find it in her heart to forgive me, I would be breaking the heart of someone I love very dearly. I'm screwed up, and in turn, I've screwed up the lives of so many. I have worked hard to become the man I always wanted to be, and instead of doing that, I've become the kind of man that I hate. I'm better than this! I know I am, but I let my emotions and loneliness get the better of me, and now I have to pay the price, one way or another.
What should I do? Nobody deserves to be hurt, except for me. I don't even deserve to live for what I've done. Every single person involved has deserved better from me, no matter how much wrong they've done.
Hi ..wowie you sound like a good and decent man. All I can offer is my point of view based on my life's events so here goes.
I was married for 26 years. And I too stayed for my girls.They are now 25 and 28. Both of them have told me that they knew how unhappy I was.Even though I worked hard to keep our problems from touching them .Your children love you and your wife but please give them more credit cuz I'm willing to bet they know you're BOTH unhappy. So in time what are you teaching them? You must think of that. They are watching how you live life so they know how.Should they grow up and have relationships that they are not happy in but SAY they are? Isn't that hypocritical? Will they too learn to feel one way yet behave the opposite?
I really don't like to encourage ANYONES divorce but sometimes ya gotta. Isn't it more important to teach them honesty? Maybe they're as tired of ptetnding as y'all are. I'm sure you've heard " if you are happy it will show and they will be happier" Well it's true .Just always remember to love THEM more than you dislike each other. I hope you consider this point of view . Good luck.
You don'm mention about how your wife feels TODAY. Surely, she must know about your "friend." Is this "friend" around your children?
You sound like you don't want to be married any more. But you lack the skills in how to be single. You can get prepared for being a single father by going to counseling and also finding out more about co-parenting.
Then, when all is said and done, you can turn your attention to whatever comes. But for right now, you have a lot of preparation to do.
Thank you both for the advice. It hurts to think that after everything, I'm going to end up being the one that destroys my family. I never wanted to be that guy, but I suppose it can't be helped. I know this will take some time to heal, but it will get better I guess.
Well you COULD look at it that you're saving your family.Be what you have to be. Maybe part of that will be ...someone e had to be strong enough to say ENOUGH. You'll do the right thing ;-)
This is circular. You fell for your wife. She fell out of love with you. You fell out of love with her. She fell back in love with you, which is what you had wanted for years. Then you fell for someone else who fell in love with you.
Hey, what do you think this new love is going to be a year after you get married? It's going to be the same hell.
You don't seem to learn. I've heard that the %'s of successful marriages that start with an affair, are very slim.
Some people would kill to have a wife as nice as yours. As far as being forced to tell her you messed around to maintain your pure image with your self, forget it. I once while married had a woman beat me off. Did I feel the need to tell my wife so I could be pure with my perfect self imagine? No. Keep it to yourself.
Think of somebody beside yourself for five minutes. Think of your kids.
PJ had it right.
I'm a deep Christian. But I'm no angel. you know what I do after I feel like I've been a bitch? I go hiking. Try it. Connect with nature. It'll help bring you back to your roots.
And even if you're not religious, bring a bible. It might just help. They're good morals to live by. Your choice.