Want out of relationship but scared
I've been with my boyfriend off and on for 4 years. I have a 16 year old daughter from a previous relationship and just had a baby with my current partner. When I was 3 months pregnant he made it clear that he was unhappy about the pregnancy. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my daughter since just before the pregnancy. I would have left already but financially am unable to do so. I'm on maternity leave and my job is minim wage. I've made plans to leave but am waiting for housing, it's taking so long. I keep thinking and hoping any day now. I can't take his abuse any more. He's constantly putting my cooking down, he says I don't do anything, he falsely accuses me of things that aren't true. He gets mad about money all the time, he threatens my dog, he threatened to take me out in a body bag a year ago. I'm exhausted, I just had a baby 5 months ago and I entertain the baby all day long, feeding and changing diapers and the baby doesn't sleep very well. My boyfriend doesn't help with the baby unless we visit his friends, when were with his friends or family he won't let me hold my baby unless the baby needs to be fed or diaper change. My boyfriend hasn't even changed one diaper.
My fear is that when I leave, when my housing comes thru that my boyfriend will convince the courts that I'm a bad mother (and I'm not). He has a way of putting on a show for people and they believe him. His friends and family treat me badly when we see them, they act like I'm nonexistent, this has only been happening since I had the baby. I don't say much when I'm around them anymore and they don't even ask my side of the story. My daughter has grown distant, she's never around anymore because of the arguing. She knows my plans to leave and agrees with them. Do you think he can take my baby away based on accusations? I have no proof of his anger and raging behavior. How can I get proof? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.
P.s there's so much more to his behavior than listed just not enough time.
I would leave him....
I'm trying, I'm scared about losing the baby
I was in a marriage where I was emotionally and verbally abused for 29 years. For the 7 years before that, I was cheated on behind my back, and didn’t know I was being abused. In all, that’s 36 years of abuse.
I stayed because, well, I don’t have any guts, but besides that, I stayed because we had a 3 year old child when the abuse started and didn’t want our child to be without a father in the home, or a mother, and because, as you noted, the financial situation, I would rather have had 2 paychecks in the same house, rather than just one, and also because I could not have made it financially on my own.
I also stayed because we were buying a house. I also stayed because she was trying to run me out of my own house because she got caught having an affair, and because I wasn’t going to leave my son.
Also, in my favor, after she first told me she wanted me to leave, after she got caught having an affair, I, to my credit, said, “Why don’t you leave for a week, and I’ll leave for a week?” Hey pretty good comeback, huh? She said, no. Whoa. Her deal was great, but my deal to her wasn’t great.
Also, if she left for a week, I wasn’t going to leave when it came to my week. Pretty good, huh?
So, your deal is similar to mine, bad Dudes in both cases.
1. “He wasn’t happy with the pregnancy. He was happy with the sex, but he wasn’t happy with the pregnancy.” Explain to him how it works. Anyway, were you on birth control?
2. “He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my daughter since just before the pregnancy.” Hey, you’ve got a witness. Your teen daughter, if he tries to pull a fast one with the baby.
3. “I would have left already but financially am unable to do so.” I was in the same boat, financially. I’m glad you would have left.
4. I've made plans to leave but am waiting for housing, it's taking so long. I keep thinking and hoping any day now.” Very good actions on your part.
5. “I can't take his abuse any more.” It’s good you have the strength and desire to leave.
6. “He's constantly putting my cooking down, he says I don't do anything, he falsely accuses me of things that aren't true. He gets mad about money all the time, he threatens my dog.” He’s smart enough not to pick on any body his size.
7. “he threatened to take me out in a body bag a year ago. I'm exhausted.”
8. “My fear is that when I leave, when my housing comes thru that my boyfriend will convince the courts that I'm a bad mother (and I'm not).” Well, you might write down some of the things he’s done and said, so you’ll have a record. Get your daughter to write down some things that he’s said and done. Hide the notes. Have a 2nd copy of them somewhere.
9. “My daughter has grown distant, she's never around anymore because of the arguing. She knows my plans to leave and agrees with them.” Your daughter being on your side is no small thing. She can throw the balance of power to your side. My wife tried to turn my son against me. So having your daughter on your side is a big plus.
10. “Do you think he can take my baby away based on accusations?” I don’t think so. Might want to find yourself a free lawyer or paralegal. Can look up on the search engine of your computer for “free lawyer” or “free paralegal” for your city. If nothing else, call one of these, if getting to their office might be difficult. Ask them over the phone about this. It might be a comfort to have one of these people on your side, calm you down, give you some facts, give you some people who won’t back down to your boyfriend.
11. “I have no proof of his anger and raging behavior. How can I get proof?” Keep records, you and your daughter, rem. people who have heard his comments, and get them to write down stuff and let you know they will go to bat for you, and to court if necessary.
12. “Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.”
I think you have a lot going for you. You found this website. You contacted it. You stated your situation very well. There are people who don’t have the confidence and determination to leave such a situation. I was probably one of them.
A couple of things that helped me: 1. I read a column on being positive when it comes to trying to solve problems, and it really helped. Unconsciously, I was negative, for I was raised negative, or I had a personality that didn’t believe I could solve problems. W
When this col., said to be positive, I realized it was my tripping me up, not the problem.
And after that, I would tell myself, “Think positive, think positive, think positive,” whenever I was trying to solve a problem, in an attempt to knock the negative out of my unconscious.
Without that, when I came up with a good idea to solve the problem, my unconscious would say, “That not a good solution because….” And it would come up with the goofiest of reasons which I would believe, and wouldn’t even try that solution.
Later, after the situation was over, I would realize how easy the problem was, but I had tripped myself up. So see if the column on being positive helps. So you’re on the right track, if you can just take it step by step. And your writing here, and applying for an apt. is the right step.
Second, I try to tell myself, “Take one problem at a time, and be positive about that problem.”
I try not to solve the entire bundle of problems at one time. I pick the one that is the most important to me, and try to think positive about solving that. Here below is the column.
But first, below, here are some sayings that I looked up for someone else on this site, and I’ll share them with you.
“And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.”
"Your Present Situation is Not Your Final Destination" by Kevin Ngo
-- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.
The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. –Amelia Earhart
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. –Chinese Proverb
-- I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. –Stephen Covey
--You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. –Christopher Columbus
--Ships are safe in the harbor, but that’s not what they’re made for.
-- “We have crossed the Rubicon.” Ancient military leader whose army cannot now turn back once it has crossed this river.
--“I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison
-- “If not this, what? If not us, who? If not now, when?”
~ Kennedy, John F. ~
“It’s impossible” said pride. “It’s risky” said experience. “It’s pointless” said reason. “Give it a try” whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad).
-- If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill.
-- Feelings come and feelings go. There is no need to fear them and no need to crave them. Let them come, and then let them go. No feeling is your permanent reality, no matter how intense it is.
--No matter what, no matter how, where or who - you can almost always turn around and get a second chance - Anony-mouse.
--God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference – Reinhold Niebuhr. (The Serenity Prayer)
--I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time – Charlie Brown
--"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." — Helen Keller
--“Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.” – Unknown
--The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning.
--"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. "
~ Helen Keller
--“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does."
~ William James
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
“Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a detailed response, it really gives me hope for the future during this difficult time.