Help. Need advice. Am I wrong to feel this way?
My husband and I have been together 6 years. He has two teenage sons from previous marriage. He is a great father and wants to be with his sons all the time. I understood that coming into the marriage, but I guess I expected things to be different than they have turned out to be. The first 4 years the kids came every weekend from Friday to Sunday, so we never went out, ever. On a few occasions I asked if he could wait to get the kids on Saturday morning instead of Friday night, just ONCE a month, so we could go out on Friday night. He simply said " No", he didn't want to wait to get the kids. I lived with the disappointment. We did have our neighbors over a lot, so that helped with the disappointment of never going anywhere.
2 years ago We bought a house about an hour from where we were so he was closer to work. Things have gone down hill fast since we moved.
Now, the kids ( 15 and 18) come over most weekends or whenever they want, without me being told. That is not a problem for just a weekend, but a month long stay, I should be informed about. When they do come over, they just want to play video games, which is fine, but they won't play on the 45" TV in their room, they want to play in the living room on the 72" tv. Understandable. But, then I am shunned. If I wish to watch TV, I have to go lay in the bedroom. So , here I am, going on week three, in my bedroom by myself. I have expressed my feelings to my husband, that I feel like I am being shunned and my feelings are of no consequence when they are here. He says nothing. I was raised that the adults came first, kids had to go find something to do if they didn't want to watch what the parents wanted to watch. It is hard for me to understand that the kids get to decide and I have to go find something to do. Its almost humiliating.
We have a VERY small house. His sister was living with us for a year and half, she was very difficult to live with...I had to give her a job( I own a cleaning company), make her get up and go to work, lend her money and clean up after her (plus him and the kids), she just laid in bed ALL THE TIME. The stress she caused me took a serious tole on my health mentally and physically(I have lost half the hair on my head). Now she has finally moved out and I thought my husband and I would finally get some alone time, but the day before she moved out, the kids came and have not left. I expressed my concern that we really needed alone time, he says he agrees, but does nothing about it.
Because we both work a lot, have our own businesses, and the boys are at the house on the weekends, we have NO social life. NO friends. Literally none. They have all slowly drifted away because we can never go anywhere with them. Its either they came to our place, or nothing. I use to go out with my friends by myself, but as they get married and have kids, they all want to do "couple things". And, we live an hour further away from them, so them coming to our place got old. The boys have nothing to do if we go to their place, they have babies. Nothing for a teenage boy to do. We have no hobbies either. The boys have no interest in any activities, and honestly, I want a hobby for just me and my husband to bond with.
He does nothing around the house. I do all the laundry, cleaning AND the yard work. I do not want to be a nag, and I shouldn't have to be, he is a grown man. If he sees the lawn needs mowed, then just mow it. If I go an strike and refuse to do things, they just don't get done. Dishes and laundry will be stacked to the ceiling. His problem with housework is a new revelation for me, we lived in an apartment before, no yard work needed to be done, no home maintenance, and we had a dishwasher. I had no idea he wouldn't help with even the yard work.
One of our BIGGEST PROBLEMS is that we have serious intimacy problems. I have a normal to slightly high sex drive, he has no sex drive. He has ED, but is in no hurry to do anything about it, and it has gotten worse the past couple of years. The past TWO YEARS, we have had sex 4 times. FOUR TIMES in TWO YEARS. I am daydreaming constantly about other men, I don't want to, but I can't help it. I have asked him several times to go to the doctor, he says he will, but never does. I am redoing our bedroom right now to make it more "romantic" and he just says that he can not understand why I am doing it.
All in all, we have serious problems and I don't know if I am being overly dramatic, which is completely not my personality, or if he really needs to step up to the plate in this relationship, or a mixture of both. I consider myself to be a very low maintenance person, I don't require a lot of attention or affection, and he is not someone to give a person very much affection or attention. But, there is a point that even a low maintenance person is just not getting enough.
If anyone has some advice, please help.
"He is a great father and wants to be with his sons all the time."
well . . . no, he isn't. He has indulged them and has allowed their behavior to interfere with his role as husband - which you indicate isn't so great, either. (Does nothing around the house, hasn't spent time with you, taken you anywhere, sex life is non-existent)
And so, what is the reason you have not turned on your heel and left?
You have allowed this as well. Unless your husband would physically beat you what are you so affraid of? After all you have lost hair and whonknows what else. Forget approval or being nice. You helped w his sister too? Good for you. But no marriage is just the two of you. Sorry not i the real world. I would sit right down and turn on my own tv show. What are they going to do? Lol toughen up momma. U r the boss not them.