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My husband looks at and watches porn on a regular basis...

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Relationship advice Long story short... We have been together since we were teenagers (off&on) were in our 40's now. We split up for 4 years and are now back together. Recently i have been having doubts! We are sleeping in separate rooms and he is on porn sites alot! He says every guy looks and acts like I'm wrong in being upset. I have seen emails from girls on the "sites" & he said he thought he had to give his email to look at the site. I think he's looking at porn hook up sites. It makes me insecure, hurt & angry. Then i lash out. How do I handle this situation?

My husband looks at and watches porn on a regular basis...

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Hello ME_MID40

I think is very normal to have sexual fantasies outside a relationship. I'm a woman, 28 years old, and I do watch porn :) Even If I'm in a relationship... Is only fantasies, in real life, I only want sex with the person I am.

Maybe you have your own fantasies also?!

My boyfriend and I try to be open and talk about our fantasies... Off course the jealousy arrives sometimes, but we want to work on that. And in reality, If we are together, it means we choose each other and like each other...

All the best.

My husband looks at and watches porn on a regular basis...

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why did you get back with him? What was the reason you broke up 4 yrs ago?

If you know he's possible hooking up with girls on porn site, demand that he stop.

Most men do watch and enjoy porn, hooking up is cheating, if his behavior is something you will never be able to accept or deal with, then don't.

Were you happier during the 4 year break up? or do you think you're in a better, healthier place now!!

My husband looks at and watches porn on a regular basis...

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I am now senior single, and I watch porn on net. Am I the worse guy in the world? Myt wife died of a long illness 6 years ago, and one time she came into my den for her once a year, "You're my husband," in the voice of a 5 year old, the age she was molested, and was what she probably said to her "board" which she pretended was her husband when she thought she'd never get married.

One day I was watching porn when she came in, said the "You're my husband," in this far-away voice. I didn't have time to click off the site, and it was still on when she was standing behind the machine and said that. She then came back, and said, "Were you watching porn?" or something like that. I don't rem. what I said, but it was embarrassing.

To add some perspective to this, since she was sexually abused at 5, she cheated from the first month of our marriage, and I figured she had over 2,000 out of the marriage episodes in 16 years. I don't know what the point of that is, other than, she had her addiction and I had mine, I suppose.

Now that I senior single, do I have a sex addiction? I was sexually abused as a child, and I may have an addiction. If I was married right now, would I be on the porn sites? Yeah. Every time my wife went to the grocery store. I'm not proud of it, I'm not ashamed of it, it's just a real turn on. It's the drug of adrenolin, from sex, voyeur sex. I didn't feel like I was cheating on my wife, I was just looking at naked women. At whores on the next. Since I was sex abused, that's the way I learned sex. Sex first, emotions later.

I didn't have that in my real life, but in my mind, that was pretty exciting. My wife's life was pretty exciting, because that's the way she herself learned sex. Sex first, it was nice to have met you. That's probably one of the main reasons we got married. She liked my attitude toward sex, and I liked hers. It didn't make for a good marriage, but we had so many problems (I had emotonal problems, also, as did she) that no marriage was gonna work.

One thing I didn't do on the net, was look for single women websites. As if I don't have enough problems, I need some woman telling me she needs an operation next week, I mean, I don't need that. I don't need an over the net sex relationship with a computer whore/con artist who has 10 other guys on the line. I've got a lot of problems, but I don't have a need for that, thank goodness.

That's one of the advantages of the porn sites. You can't reach each other. It's not personal. I don't know what to say about a husband who is getting e-mails from these people. That to me is too much. E-mail can lead to a meeting. My wife had over 2,000 such meetings, just from personal contacts, so I can tell you some stories, also.

You say, "I have seen emails from girls on the "sites" & he said he thought he had to give his email to look at the site. I think he's looking at porn hook up sites. It makes me insecure, hurt & angry. Then i lash out. How do I handle this situation?"

Good question. How did I handle it when I first found out my now deceased wife was probably having an affair, and we had a 3-year-old plus we were buying a house that we could live in free one day, plus our child could inherit. And all of that would have been lost if we had divorced.

Now I ask you, "What should I have done?" I stayed for the kid and the house, and myself. I got to meet a few heart doctors during that time, run on a few treadmills, but I got through it. I could have died, and people would say, "he made the wrong choice, didn't he?"

Also, 6 years ago, my wife passed away from a long illness, and I inherited the now peaceful house, which our child will inherit one day, I got her retirement. I look like a genius. But I was really staying for the kid, and the house.

The fact that you don't have any kids is a bonus. You can walk in five minutes and you'll just be leaving a jerk, and an apartment. I can solve that one. Of course, the next guy will be twice as bad as this one, so that complicates matters. And living by yourself, you have to pay all the expenses.

If you do live in separate bedrooms, that's what's going to happen. Of course, sleeping in the same bedroom has problems.

There is no perfect solution. Even after my wife died from a long illness, my life was absolutely no better. As a senior living my myself, health problems increased, thugs took an interest in my living alone as a senior, more "nice people"
in the neighborhood saw me as a target to mistreat with no wife to be on my side, and getting up in age.

You're not "wrong in being upset." He is telling you he is not going to stop e-mailing these women. But the next guy is going to do the same thing, and living alone won't be easy, but will be more expensive. So, you don't knkow what the answer is, I don't either. Maybe it's life.

Maybe there is no perfect life. Are the pluses more than the minuses?

I'll try to add a column that has helped me immensely. It's a col. on being positive by Niki Scott that I first read some 15 years ago and has helped me solve a lot of problems. It's taught me that, it's not the problem that is the problem, it's my attitude toward what I think are the chances of solving the problem.

In my case, probably not yours, I had a negative unconscious, where it was from parent's who were negative, or results of my emotional problems (manic-depressive), or just a shy, retiring person, who people could walk over, where ever it was, if I had a problem my conscious would want to solve it (I want to take a course), but my unconscious, which I couldn't see, would be saying, "You can't do that because..." and it would come up with the most ridiculous reasons why I couldn't cross the street. And I would believe the reasons. Later, I would realize that I could have done what was the solution, but my unconscious had vetoed it. I was going round and round in my own brain, not in real life, but in my brain.

What was happening was, My conscious and unconscious were at odds. My con. said, turn left at this road, my uncon., to block me, and pay tribute to my neg. unconscious, would purposely foul that up,and say, no , you';re supped to turn right here. Well, I would just sit there at the intersection. I couldn''t move until I could get both bpart of my brain going int the same direction.

This col. on solving problems, took the negative out of my uncon. and I became a genius overnight. It was as simple as pie. Before a problem, I started out my getting the col. down off of my bullitan board, and re-reading it. The problem wasn't the problem, it was my brain. So, with my first problem I said, just get the col. and read it, and don't think about the problem. I got to the 4th paragraph, and I solved the problem, and I wasn't even thinking about the problem.

What was happening was, the col. was taking the neg. out of un con., which was what? Solving the problem, hello! So after that, when I was away from the col., and I had a problem, I made myself say, "Think positive, think positive, think positive," making a con. attempt to drive the hidden neg. out of my uncon.

Very often, the problem was easy. It was my mind that was making it difficult.

I'll try to copy and paste the col. on being positive in the next post below in about 10 minutes.

My husband looks at and watches porn on a regular basis...

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Here below is the column on being positive:

by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994

“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:

"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."

“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”

“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”

“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”

“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”

“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”

“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”

“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”

“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.

“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.

“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “

“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”

“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”

“Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”

My husband looks at and watches porn on a regular basis...

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ME_MID40,

Which is the chicken and which the egg - his interaction with porn sites drove you into the spare bedroom or vice versa?

If it's the latter then clearly he's doing it to provoke you back out. If the former then...

http://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/7178/x

(Ignore the brouhaha in the middle.)

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-4