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Want to get back with my ex but he has depression

Posted by
DONTKNOWHOWTOFEEL
on Sep 5 2015 at 01:16
Member since: 05 September 2015
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category okay so was with my ex for two and half years we were a very lovey dovey couple and one day he was absolutely fine with me all day then he went and played footy with the lads and text saying he needed to talk to me about something the next day, the next day he came over and told me that he needed a break and that he didnt feel like it was working he told me he feels like hes not in a relationship anymore i take him for granted (which sometimes i do) and its just the little things like we never get to do what he wants and watch what he wants that have just built up hes been thinking about it for a few months! then as he was leaving i asked for a kiss he kissed me and held me so tight like he didnt want to go and i said i love you and he said i love you too! he then said (as we were 5 days away from going on holiday together with my family) ill speak to you when i get back and if ive missed you we can sort it out and if i havent then we are done. so i went on my family holiday and came back two weeks later and we met up and he told me he felt like i owned him and he felt like hes not himself everyones telling him hes changed and he feels like he doesnt know whether it because of me, him or both of us but he doesnt feel like himself anymore and he knows i want to try and make it work but he doesnt see it working out right now but in a few weeks or couple of months he might wants to try hes not going to say that he wont come back because he might but hes not going to say that hes coming back because he might not but not to wait for him so i asked if there was someone else he said no he wouldnt do that to me, i said good as it would make me feel worse if i saw you with someone else and he said how do you think im going to feel if i see you with someone else. he feels like it the right time to do it now because even though it hurts now he would rather do it now then carry on and hurt me further on down the line, so i gave him his things and asked for mine he told me he would sort it out for me the week after and text me he did not i saw him at work the week after asked him about my stuff and he said that hes not done anything at all other than play on his ps4 and go to work so he'll sort on his days off that week amd text me at the weekend, he went out on a night out that night he was off work and did not text me i text him two weeks later asking him to meet up with me and talk about whats going on he said he thought we didnt need to talk about anything and that he would sort my stuff out that week so i sent him this text "ill tell you what i think we need to talk about then seeing as your going to be funny about it, you said two weeks ago that we are not 'like this' because your scared of getting engaged (what someone at work told me he said) well believe you but why are we 'like this' because i still dont understand why we are like this i know you said it the little things and you feel like i own you but when you said you wanted a break you kissed and held me like you didnt want to let go and told me you loved me too when we broke up you told me that you might come back but you might not but not to wait for you and that it would kill you to see me with someone else ut your the one who ended the relationship if you dont want to see me with someone else why did you end it, it doesnt make sense to me so why are we like this because even thought youve hurt meand talking to you now is killing me and your avoiding me and sending me mixed messages i still love you with all my heart your my prince, my king, my best friend =, my soulmate, my smile my everything i used to think i was that to you too, we talked about being together forever and planning a life together then one day you were fine with me you couldnt wait to see me the next day then you played footy with the lads and then we needed to talk i feel like someone maybe one of the lads has said something to you and it upset you or something it seems like your going through a hard time at the minute whether it be something personal or you just dont know what you want at the minute you can share that with me i know your a big softy and insecure but you can tell me i know you dont talk to people about how your feeling about certain things but i used the person you told everything to and i loved that and yeah i do hope we can sort things out as i still have hope we can make ths work if we talk things over and thats all im asking is to meet up and talk i dont want to lose you as a friend within all this and people at work dont help as they are stirring shit but im telling you know you will never find someone who loves you as much as i do!" i then got this reply "im not being funny about anything its just everything i say to either yourself or in answering other peoples questions it gets twisted into what the person listening wants to hear! yes i do have issues at the minute bu its for me to deal with! if you go off with someone else it will be strange but im not going to stop you i would never stop you being happy for my own selfiness i did feel like we were going to be together forever but things changed i felt you attitude, attention, interest and feelings towards me chnaged and it drove me away and to fall out of love with you! you can tell me if didnt all you want but in my head and heart it did! im sorry i dodnt talk o you about this at the time i did in my own way but never in straight forward black and white but you know i cant do that!" then this week ive spoke to him my stuff if ready for me to go and get from his and he is seeing a counsellor about his issues and has been put on anti-depressants, i feel like his feelings cant have changed for me even though he says they had been together so long and planning where we wanted to live and how many kids we wanted things he always started the convo about can change so quickly i have also started seeing a counsellor but now i think we ll if he sorts his issues out will he then realise hes made a mistake because i cant see my life without him in it what can i do?
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 6 2015 at 16:06
Member since: 19 August 2014
"but in a few weeks or couple of months he might wants to try hes not going to say that he wont come back because he might but hes not going to say that hes coming back because he might not but not to wait for him so i asked if there was someone else he said no he wouldnt do that to me"

Blah-blah-blah. Oh, yes he would. His latest run of actions say so.

This is a very old chestnut, DKHTF. It's called, I want to try to find and test-drive a relationship with someone else (generally or in particular) but without having to meantime burn my convenience bridges in case my expedition proves fruitless.

Sorry. :-(

This is why selfish types like him tend to deliberately fail t tell you whenever in any way unhappy, dissatisfied, plain bored or seriously over-entitled. If they did, especially at the time, you'd either insist the problem be fixed or dump them, neither of which suits their agenda. Their aim is solely to keep you warm and waiting on the side as an option to return to, should the need arise, i.e. to avoid ever facing a period of singledom/sexual desert... better than nothing and no-one.

Sad to say, this man doesn't love you and probably never did, hence why now he's decided you're not for-life material (in terms of his cup of tea) you're being used as a sexual safetynet. Also hate to inform you that I don't swallow that 'playing footie' story one bit. He was on a date. One he'd probably arranged outside of your awareness via some internet dating site.

And his new relationship is obviously now starting to go well for him. Because NO man that genuinely loved a woman but just needed a break to get his head together would say 'que sera' to the idea of her possibly getting snapped up by someone else! Everything else he's saying as well is just pure BS to make his underhanded campaign this whole time sound somehow more honourable and acceptable. I mean 'you know I can't do that' (talk to you about it back at the time in a straightfoward way)? How queer that NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN, he's PERFECTLY capable!

He 'wasn't' at the time because the honesty wouldn't have suited him. Berbom! Now, however, now that he feels his new relationship is sufficiently safely under his belt, he's got nothing to lose by giving you the wherewithal to finally go your separate way.

I rest my case.

A man being perfectly willing to use you and string you along like that just because the relationship proved to be not as all-round perfect for him as he thinks he deserves merely goes to show you that he was never in-love with you in the first place. Because, otherwise, even mere love in-memoriam would prevent his ever treating you so downright shoddily. So in other words, no, his feelings HAVEN'T "changed" so quickly. They were mostly contrived all along, and for as long as it suited him.

Oh, and the 'getting counselling' and 'put on anti-depressants' is another side to this old chestnut. It's meant to pacify you by making you feel sorry for him so that you don't spend the rest of your life with the realisation of what a nasty piece of work he is, including to protect his reputation, in case he ever needs to hook back up with you in the future and so that you don't go after him with a big stick (in case you possibly were or could become the type to under serious enough provocation).

Unfortunately there's nothing you CAN do, aside from putting this whole sorry affair down to experience and learning from it so that you and your TRUE soulmate, whomever out there he is/that you next bump into from that total soulmate pool, get to benefit from it. Which you will, once you've done with a period of grieving.

This one (cheers for the sample dialogue) was clearly an accomplished b*llsh*tter so next time I suggest you pay the greater portion of your attention to a man's consistent ACTIONS.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?