Teenage boys hockey and a new marriage
My wife and I have been married for two months going on three. She is same age as me, when k met her over a year ago. She has two boys, one 14 other is 11. Both play hockey before I met her and currently play hockey. Our problem is we can't afford hockey. I mention the possibility of not being able to pay for hockey and she freaks out and threatens to leave me if boys don't play hockey.
So let me back up. The boys like hockey, they both have mentioned an interest in other sports. But the grandfather, my wife's dad, is a hockey fanatic. He is retired. So he lives each day for hockey. Does nothing but watch hockey. My wife gets a ton of pressure from her dad for the boys to play hockey so he can go watch them. I have mentioned the financial strain we are going through with getting married and buying a home this year. And that I could not afford paying 500 dollars a month for six months for each boy to play hockey. He offered to pay for the youngest boys hockey since he is better at hockey. Which the grandfather verbally makes public knowledge to both boys and any of there friends. The financial strain is half lifted. And I am thankful for.
Our second issue is finding time for us. We don't get time for us. We don't see each other expect when we get ready for bed at 11pm. Sometimes a boy and one of us parents don't even get home till after midnight because of hockey practice or event. My wife and I agree we need time for us. But she is completely unwilling to skip a practice or drop off the boys at practice so we can have a one evening for us to try to keep our relationship from sinking. When I get bring up hockey and its stress it puts on our new marriage she tells me, not going to hockey is not an option. And she freaks out. She threatens to leave me for hockey?! I understand doing sports for the boys cause of the numerous beneficial factors sports have on a teenager. But her attitude towards me about hockey is, well irrational. I don't know how to cope or deal with this fanatical behavior when it comes to her hockey obsession. And why she is so willing to through our relationship away if boys don't play hockey.
I need some advice please.
(Read the last 10 paragraphs of this first, below the line.The first 15 don't make any sense.)
Financially, you're right. Marriage wise, emotionally, bringing people together, family and extended family relations wise, what's is and has been important to her all her life-wise, you're wrong.
Two examples in my case. 1. our 3-4 year old child said he wanted a certain toy for Christmas. It sold at a discount store 6 miles away. I worked downtown, they had a hardware store downtown they stocked toys at Christmas, I thought the old store was quaint, I bought an equally priced toy downtown where I worked, little crowds, rather than drive 10-12 extra miles round trip, stand in line situation, at the discount store.
Wrong. The child didn't get what he wanted and the mother and possibly the child (although he didn't complain) was upset.
2. We had a house that had electric heat. My older brother, to find a negative, said electric heat is high. We had individual room heat, which you could cut off heat in 3 or 4 rooms, so it wasn't high, compared to heat the entire house all night with gas or oil heat. Anyway, to save expense, I said to my wife, "Let's cut off the electric heat in our room, and cut on our electric blanket. It was perfect, except I was wrong.
She slept on couch in the large living room, that also heated the dining and kitchen rooms with electric heat all night (I never thought of that), I slept in the back bedroom, we didn't save, we lost, because she was heating 3 rooms, which could have been cut off at night. How stupid is that?
So, I, too like to save money, I don't like to be in dept. So cost cutting measures are OK with me.
However, from experience, you're gonna save $1,000, and you're gonna lose a $100,000 marriage, for a net loss of $99,000. That you can understand. If someone can put it in monitary terms, yes, that makes sense. OK, then, buy the uniforms. Or, in my case, cut on the heat in the bedroom at night, and buy the right toy. Don't be so cheap.
She grew up with hockey as an impt. part of her life and family. You didn't, so you don't have a clue. I grew up with a certain kind of sport at a certain kind of school, and going to those games with my dad.
My chance to go to school? I wanted to go that kinda school, which had that kinda stadium, with that level of sport. Smaller schools, no way if I had a choice. It's what you are use to. On Saturdays. You have to have that, if possible. Sometimes it's not possible, that's true.
What you want is sex. She doesn't consider that an investment in the marriage. She considers it sex.
You're not paying attention to her, so she's having to go nuclear to get your attention, you're having to go to a help line saying, I believe I'm right. You're not picking it up, you're saving $1,000. But you're losing a $100,000 marriage. I thought I was saving $100 on heat in the winter, but I was running my wife out of the bedroom.
You're running your wife out of the house. She's not really going anywhere. She's trying to get your attention. And she still doesn't have it.
Also, her father has agreed to pay half. He should. He's the fanatic who insist, like you do, and me too, on having things our way. So he should pay for half of it to have things his way.
$500 a month, for 6 months for each boy to play hockey. You could have said, for "both boys" to play hockey. But saying "for each," means you have to double that for the two boys.
Six months is $3,000 for one boy to play hockey. For two boys, it's $6,000 for one season. I can't imagine that.
You can pay a year's rent or mortgage for those numbers. You could pay for a year's worth of college for that.
If it's $6,000 and the grandfather pays half, that's $3,000 you'll have to pay. I don't know about that. If you're wife pays half of your $3,000 share, if she works, you'll only have to pay $1,500. I would consider that. Again, does she work? Is she going to pay half?
If she doesn't work, then the father should be willing to pay her half also, in addition to his already committed $3,000. So he should be willing to pay $3,000, plus $1,500 for his hockey loving daughter, to show their "true devotion" to the sport. Otherwise, he doesn't really love hockey. He just likes talking about it.
Are the boys and your wife and her father, do they all 4 want the boys to go to college, or do those 4 want them to play hockey?
You said, "she has two boys, one 14 and the other is 11." You have been married almost 3 months.
These are her boys. The plot thickens. And "she threatens to leave me if boys don't play hockey."
Tell her, either you, or you and your fanatic father, are going to pay for every penny of the hockey, and then when it comes time for college, you, or your father, are gonna pay for half of their college bills, since that $6,000 that could have been spent on college, was wasted on hockey.
And if she "freaks out" over your not wanting to put up $6,000 for hockey, she should be equally excited over this new idea that you have for her and her father.
You haven't spent a penny on any of these people yet. And you don't have to. If she's threatening divorce over this, you can, also. You can just walk out the door, and take your paycheck with you, and let her and her father debate how the bills are going to be paid without your financial help. Get an annulment. See a lawyer.