I move to Australia for my partner but he lies to me and I can't trust him
If anyone takes the time to read my post, thank you so much! I'm sorry it's such a long one!
I met my australian partner a few years ago in London (I'm British). We met through mutual friends. We clicked instantly and I thought he was just wonderful and everything I'd ever wanted! He told me the same. Unfortunately his visa expired not long after meeting so he went back to Australia. We decided that we had something special and we wanted to be together so I moved to Australia in November 2013. Although I was moving to Australia we had agreed before hand that we would come back to England in a year of 2 when we could work out a visa for him.
We were apart for nearly 4 months but we spoke everyday, sometimes for hours! We were smitten! There wasn't one moment I didn't trust him... until I got to Australia and after using his old phone I came across messages to another woman. They were messages back and forth (some dirty messages) right before he left London. I was devastated!!! I confronted him and he told me it wasn't what it looked like and that his phone had the wrong dates on the messages. The context of the messages matched the exact point in time so I knew he was lying. He never admitted it but I decided to let it go and move on hoping it was the last of that sort of thing.
We've had a tough couple of years in Australia, I was very homesick and missed my family and the familiarity of home. I know that at times I've probably been hard to live with and hard to cope with. We moved to a remote part of Australia for his work, we were there for about 5 months, I was very lonely. Despite trying I didn't have a job and spent most days on my own. I felt alone and isolated. This added a lot of pressure to our relationship. However, after taking some pictures on his phone and looking back through them, I came across a picture of a scantily clad woman. I asked him why he had this picture and he told me someone had sent it to him. A "friend". He assured me he had not replied to this woman and had not initiated anything. He had deleted the messages so he couldn't prove this! At this point in time I was already feeling low and this didn't help! I handled it wrongly in hindsight but we ended up having a massive argument about it right before we were to come back to England for Christmas last year. In my upset I told him I didnt want him to come for Christmas, he took this as gospel and didn't come with me. I had apologised for saying this to the point of begging him to come for Christmas with my family but he told me it was too late and he just didn't feel like he was wanted now. I flew back on my own.
When I arrived home he had sent me an email asking me to think about my behaviour towards him and that I needed to come back to Australia with a different view to things. I understood what he meant, but I couldn't believe he was sort of blaming me! Needless to say my family were not impressed. My dad being an old fashioned man told me this wasn't the act of someone who loves me. It broke my heart. He hadn't made the best first impressions with my family on a trip back to the UK in April 2014. We had flown into London to see his friends for the weekend, after the weekend we were to go to my hometown for him to meet my family for the first time. He chose to stay in London for the week with his friends and I came home to see my family. I was upset that he didn't see meeting my family as more of a priority. He said he thought he would give me some time on my own with my family which I can understand but it still upset me. When he arrived, he was extremely tired and seemed to be run down so wasn't in the best spirits. My family tried but were not impressed that this was the person id given up so much for.
Going back to Christmas last year... We spoke most days on the phone but seemed to be going round in circles. There was a lack of trust there and moving back to the UK was becoming more and more a distant idea as he would get very upset if I wanted to talk about it. It was never the right time or place to talk about it! Just after New Years he flew over to England to patch things up. My family no longer approved and my father and I had a terrible argument about it. He told me I was being silly and naive and that I had fallen for the wrong man who was going to break my heart. Therefore we stayed in a hotel before flying back to Australia. The fact that I no longer had the support of my family was hard but I loved him enough to want to try and prove to them that he was the man of my dreams and worth fighting for.
Returning to Australia was difficult after an emotional Christmas not only with my partner but now my family. However we made the best of it and tried to get things back on track. Everything was great until one night we had a disagreement about something. I went to bed early and left him on the sofa. The next day I was using the iPad (of which his phone was synced to), I know it was wrong but I checked the messages. To my dismay I found messages to another woman from the night before. Asking for her picture etc. They seemed to know each other! The next morning he'd followed these messages up with an apology to this woman and that he'd been out with friends who had taken his phone and messaged a heap of people. I felt sick to my stomach. He came home and I was shaking! I asked him what it was and he looked shocked. He snatched the iPad from me and went into the bedroom. I wasn't able to get it back off him but he told me he was messing about with a male friend (childish I know, he's 32!!). He went as far to have some friend of his text me and tell me it was all a misunderstanding. We didn't speak for about a week but as you do we made up and again tried to move on.
During our whole relationship there's been an issue with him telling the truth. From small things to big things he cannot seem to tell the truth, even when the evidence is starring us in the face! Anything from lies about what he's eaten, what he's been doing, lies about things he shouldn't have done but will never ever own up to it. It's awful!
The last straw was a month ago. We'd been to a wedding during the day and on the evening ended up having a disagreement about something stupid and petty. Easily done when you've both had a couple of drinks! I went home earlier and he arrived home around 3am. I knew something wasn't right so I waited for him to fall asleep and I took his phone. Low and behold there were messages to someone he had met whilst he was out. Asking for her picture etc! I felt so sick inside. Was I really this terrible that he had to keep doing this? Was I really such a rubbish girlfriend? I woke him up and in his drunken state told me it was a set up so I would find them. That I would feel hurt like he does when I push him away. This is now his reason for all the wandering messages to other women etc. I'd pushed him away. Of which I feel like this is what I've done through being homesick and not really getting over him telling me lies. How can you forgive someone when they can't tell the truth?
Rather too hastily I fear but I flew back to England 3 days later. He came to the airport and begged me not to leave, that he loved me more than anything in the world and there would never be anyone else but me. At this point my heart was broken and I felt a fool. I love him so much even after all of this and getting on the plane was the hardest thing I've ever done. Even in the departure lounge I wanted to run back out and back into his arms! But I knew I had to leave or I would be wiped the floor with. That he would forever think that this behaviour is ok. I don't known if you call it cheating but thats what it feels like! We have kept in contact since being at home. Even though all of this has happened I still miss him so much. Holding his hand, laughing together, cooking together, talking about everything and anything. I feel torn! He's told me he will do whatever it takes to make a change, to start telling the truth, to stop being disrespectful and not promise me but show me he will change. I don't know what to do! Do I risk it all and go back again. Only to find he won't change or do I stay in England and always wander what if. What if we had really of worked at it (worked on myself included) would it have been everything we wanted it to be. Tried couples therapy and given it our all! I love him so very much and can't imagine my life without him but I'm scared that he will never stop telling lies and I will end up a mess. To top it off my parents absolutely don't want me to go back to Australia and I think if I did it would cause a real upset, especially with my father who I know only worries about me and wants the best. Because of this I don't talk about any of it with my family because they all dislike him and just want me to stay in England.
I certainly feel like there's things I could do differently in our relationship and he tells me he will do anything I ask of him and will prove he loves me more than anything, that he will give me a lovely life and will provide for our family one day. But how do I trust anything he tells me?
Of course there's lots more to it all but this is the short and tall of it. If you've had the patience to read this, thank you so much!! If you have any advice for me or thoughts, I'd love to hear back. Thank you again. Xo
At the end of the day, this guy has never been marriage material or someone who is ready to commit in the time frame that you have known him. Your Dad,(especially your Dad)and your family could probably see this. You really can't blame your parents for being anxious and concerned when their daughter is thousands of ks away with a man whom they KNOW is not fully committed to her. This guy's actions have spoken from day one and while you have brushed his 'sins' under the carpet hoping that they would go away, they have just resurfaced again and again.
Given his age of 32 he's not likely to change, and it's all OK to cherish your good times together and the things that worked for you both in your relationship, but the one thing that you don't have is trust. If you don't have it, then I'm sorry, you don't have a relationship of any sort.
You feelings are correct in every way; it is cheating receiving texts from other women when you are supposedly in a relationship. His excuse for you to find them is absolute rubbish as is his other efforts for explaining away the previous texts. If this man was 100% totally with you, he would have given meeting your family top priority, especially when they are in another country where distance prevents such special meetings happening regularly. Furthermore, if this man was 100% totally with you, he would have you on a pedestal and forget about texts from other women because he wouldn't have the need for any communication with them.
You should ask yourself if you have or had love, trust, respect and honesty in your relationship and then stack up his actions over the time you have been together and compare them with these 'must haves' of a successful relationship.
When it comes to love and you are in doubt, go with your gut and not your heart.
Thank you very much for your reply and advice.
Deep down I know the things you say are absolutely right. His behaviour isn't as it should be but I suppose I just didn't want to accept it. I wanted to believe that it would get better! That love would prevail! But the trust is so broken I know that there's nowhere else to go from here. It's just horribly hard letting go. Also knowing I'll never see him again (although this is probably a good thing) makes me too sad for words.
Thank you again for your thoughts and advice. It's good to hear it from someone outside the box.