Is my marriage falling apart?
My husband and I have been married 2 years. We're in our 20s and We have a beautiful baby girl. Things were good for the most part in the beginning. Recently I noticed we are growing apart little by little.. He has a full time job and on top of that he fixes cars, sells/buys parts etc.. He comes home from work and he's on his phone 24/7.. Mostly on Craigslist, Facebook and Instagram. I can barely get through to him sometimes.. A few days ago I asked him if we could have a date night once a week for at least an hour.. Something small.. But just so we could really talk to each other like we used to. No phones, just us. He got mad at me.. Started going off about how I'm not greatful that he works, rents a place for us and so on.. I told him that I really need this and he doesn't understand.. I asked him again the next day and he got mad again.. I asked what could have I possible done that he is reacting this way for something so little.. I made him tell me why he doesn't want to spend time with me and he said 'I guess I just don't feel like wasting my time'. I just done understand that.. He have sex almost every day. I never said no to him because I guess at least then it feels like he's giving me some attention. But sometimes he just gets what he needs out of it and goes right back on his phone and I just feel used. So after the said he doesn't want to spend time with me I told him to not come to me for sex. He won't give me what I need so I won't give him what he needs.. I'm tired of feeling used and not appreciated.. I don't even know what to do anymore. Marriage is something I take seriously and if I once committed to it, I don't want to give up. I want to fix it. But what do I do if he doesn't want to fix it? If he's okay with how it is? Of course, I get up every morning to pack his lunch for him for work, he comes home I have dinner ready. He always has clean laundry and not much to worry about.. On top of that I have a part time job too. Yes he brings me flowers once in a while and maybe tells me he loves me once a week.. But I don't feel it.. I'm a woman and all I need is his attention.. Which he doesn't give me. Am I overreacting?
I just know how things used to be and how we used to talk and spend time with each other. I don't know what went wrong and how I fix it.
You know... As I was reading this, I saw myself 20+ years ago. It all came rushing back to me. I did everything I could to make it work, but he was never really there for me. I thought I needed him to survive... I didn't in hind site but I thought I did. I had 2 small kids and I did everything on my own and it never stopped. Here I am married for 27 years and the problems are still there.
If only I had the guts years ago to leave, things may have bean a lot better for me now. Now I am contemplating divorce and I am 50. if nothing else, please seek help with your marriage... It is a 2-way street... Remember that,and you are stronger than you think. I just had to reply to you because I can relate. Make your marriage work if you can, but don't lose yourself in the process like I did.
I know your both young, married 2 yrs, your husband's comment " I guess I just don't feel like wasting my time" is devaluing, belittling you as a woman/and human being. You married an ass hole, who has no respect for woman. Don't ever accept disrespect from anyone-Even your Husband. WAKE UP- If you don't stand up for yourself now, he will continue treating you "as a waste of his time" This is not love, this is a man you gest all of the marital benefits of a wife but has no intention of being the husband you deserve.
KARENJEAN comment "Here I am married 27 years and the problems are still there" this could be you 27 years from now. Many woman continue to remain in these relationships still hoping for change that never comes. If you don't take a stand now by standing up for yourself he will continue treating you like his maid, cook, housekeeper.
In the beginning he masked who he really was,the reality is "this is who he is". Now married he no longer has to put on the mask. Nothing went wrong you just didn't see the REAL HIM!! You say you that "Marriage is something you take seriously, and if once committed to it, you don't want to give up" understand these are YOUR wants not his.. If you don't want to feel used, then stop being used.
Stop catering to all his needs, no packing lunches, wash your own clothes leave his, Cook for yourself-, if he complains tell him "you just don't feel like wasting your time catering to his needs. Get his attention- explain what you need to continue in this marriage- either he's in or he's not.
I *THINK* I agree with the above responses but, if he's your 'lumberjack' type of blokie, which he certainly sounds, it COULD be that you caught him at a particularly bad or stressy moment (or that you're not really disclosing the way in which you said your bit?). And by 'moment' I do mean, couple of days. Because if he TRULY considered you a 'waste of his time' then why is he meantime still buying you flowers and telling you fairly frequently that he loves you? Why would he bother?
Could he have given that hurtful retort because HE felt hurt that, there he is, busting a gut to bring home the bacon with (let's be honest) TWO fairly full-time jobs and there's you, seemingly sounding unappreciative of his blood, sweat and tears on the family's behalf and additionally didn't quite phrase your complaint as you'd have liked?
He could, you see, just be an emotional thickie, particularly when stressed/over-busy, one who's  got too used to his workplace manner of callous, lad-ish speech whereby he forgets or finds it hard to switch it off, and  allowed himself to become too fixated on the bacon side of things, possibly from having been allowed to fall prey to the illusion that you've always taken reassurances from that side of his endeavours plus getting physical attention every day, about how much he loves and values you? That would especially be true if you've allowed too much time to pass without ever before having said anything or never having really hammered things home to the extent you did this time?
What I'm saying, is: "'I guess I just don't feel like wasting my time'" That sounded too much to me like a deliberate attempt to hurt your feelings for its own sake. Fight talk.
Alternatively, is he just getting cash-greedy? Depends... Question: Do YOU get benefit from that extra income or just him and/or he's just squirrelling it away in his savings account "for our retirement"?
You see, if you/the kids are the reason he's working his round objects off - which fact is undisputed even by you - then I don't think it's strictly fair to start withholding wifely duties. Different if he were an out-of-work layabout/parasite to-boot. But the problem could be that he's crap at apportioning his time and attention and too easily gets 'sucked in' to whatever's on his present plate, to the point of obsessively, meaning, what you heard was guilty conscience in the midst of mental overload (as well as the abovementioned other elements) talking?
Whichever, at this point I tend not to pay too much attention to one-offs, no matter how negative/hurtful, PARTICULARLY during or in the aftermath of a fight. It's REPEAT actions, not least in varying climates, that tell me there's a definite problem (and you can't in all fairness call the next morning - the same time period and climate - a repetition).
I suggest you wait a few days or a week for the mood to have naturally changed/reverted and try again or even wait to see whether given time to reflect over that confrontation and his rotten response/retaliation(?), he experiences befittingly huge, shameful regret thus says or does something to unequivocally show so. If, when you try again, you get the same kind of nasty nonsense, THEN you would have all the evidence you need to issue an ultimatum: 'Either, for our sake or just the kids', we see a counsellor to find out what the problems are - why you would dare speak to me that shoddily on top of having neglected me for so long - or I'm out! Your choice and you've got X days to decide!'.
He may not LIKE that something's got to give and that meantime he'll have to add yet ANOTHER time-commitment to his already full schedule, but, that's his time-management look-out. I presume nothing and nobody is forcing him to work all the hours except for himself? Maybe that'll teach him to spread his attention around better and to remember that MATURE women need love first, fiscal security second, but that neither is mutually exclusive.