I need guidance. I've know this girl (Sandy) about a year and a half. I met her through one of her female cousins (Ada), whom I had dated years ago and who is just as hot as she is. I was immediately smitten and started trying to talk to her, mind this was last summer (2014). All was going well until she asked me why I was hanging around with her cousin Ada and if we ever "did" anything. I was honest and told her Ada and I had sex years ago (figured she would find out anyway). She didn't take this well and totally changed her attitude towards me. I made various attempts to make her fall for me but in the end (about four months after meeting her, December 2014), she started a relationship with another dude that she had known for years (yes, FML). Flash forward to June 2015 (about 6 months later), she has issues with her boyfriend (mind they were engaged and living together) and broke up with him. Upon this breakup, she starts texting me and flirting with me again. I end up falling for her AGAIN and we go out on three dates. On our last date (this past weekend), we kissed for the first time and she came over and spent the night in my apt (no sex, I did try but she refused). The following morning she seemed upset because I had tried to have sex with her. She then tells me that she would have had sex with me IF we were alone (my brother was asleep in his bedroom and a mutual friend of ours was asleep in the living room). Earlier today she pretty much friend zones me AGAIN by telling me she can't go on seeing me intimately because of my past history with her cousin Ada. She does suggest that we have sex once and after that one sex session, go our separate ways. Not sure what to make of this. Why does she just want to fuck me once? Why not date me? Is she using her cousin as an escape goat? Maybe she's testing me because she thinks I just want to fuck her and leave? Few facts on Sandy: she claims she's no longer in love with her ex, she's a bit timid, she's very conservative (doesn't fuck around) which is a bit surprising since she's suggesting we fuck. Suggestions.
I just came across this post and hope what is said therein can help...
The first thing that needs to be addressed is what is the biggest thing that you would like to get as a result of being with this girl? What exactly is it you want? When you stop, and zone in on the one thing that you want to accomplish and if like you were to answer in your own mind: Ultimately, if I had that, how will my life be better with this girl? And if you were to zip out 6 months from now and imagine you have those things, how is your life better? Before reading on, it would serve you better to consider this before reading on.
Now, you probably have a few answers and If your natural default answer is just so have sex with her because she is hot then maybe you can stop being so hard on yourself. There is a subtle difference between pleasure and happiness. Pleasure sure tastes good but can only be temporary. However happiness has unlimited potential.
Most women don't really don't know what they want especially when it come to men and most men don't know what they really want when it comes to women. Woman usually will look for the spark of connection to start relationships. They push and they pull in finding out whats right for them and spend most of their time in their head. Almost like watching tv. Just like a tv, some women will channel surf and see what is currently available. Suddenly something will capture her attention and she will stop and follow this program and spend all of her time watching it. In the days and weeks and months ahead, she will begin to notice things about it that she doesn't like and start to feel the changes within herself. Its just not what it used to be anymore or the plot has changed or the characters are too predictable. So she will flick the channel and again go channel surfing.
Making various attempts to have her fall for you would be almost like the commercials. Interrupting her thoughts and processes by giving her a product she must have. What do most of us do when we see commercials? Exactly!
I completely understand where you are coming and know it can be a that niggling that you cant shake off. Maybe you haven't opened up to the unlimited possibilities that are also available to you yet. You NEED to be the prize and not someone who seeks for her approval. By flirting with the parts of yourself that already know the answer, instead of flirting with a brick wall, you will soon discover a new level of awareness. I have had my fair share of these kinds of games with girls so understand where you are doing from. Its like love is doled out like a bowl of porridge in the orphanage. "Please Miss, can I have some more!
You need to up your game and reverse the roles. Remember, girls are like kittens. Thrown them a ball of wool and they will play with it and then get bored. However dangle that string, just out of its reach and it will play for hours.
NB: Tell her that you don't want to have sex with her anymore and thank her. Tell her the fact that I really thought this will work makes me so excited to be with someone that I can stay with for a long time. The kind of a man who really knows what to do, who's really there for you when you want him and yet knows how to give you the space you need. A man who is balanced in his emotions and physical needs and respects your dreams, passions and changing rhythm. Tell her that I think you are a great girl and its clear that we both deserve so much better.
In closing tell her, Isn't it funny how all our parents and teachers tell the girls of society, 'Sex for the sake of sex sake is just a bad idea and to just tell the guy that if he really thinks it will work, he'll wait to have sex with you, and see what he does.' They really don't want you to know the results of the studies that have shown that the more sexual satisfaction there is in a relationship, the longer it lasts and the happier both partners are. I wonder why they're trying to prevent people like you and me from having healthy, happy relationships. Anyway, thanks for the chat Sandy. I had to find out if you had more going for you other than your beauty.
Cue James Bond Music...
Hope this helps...
Thank you for the advice. I am in love with this woman. I don't just want to have sex with her and walk. I'm really digging your advice, particularly how you use the television analogy. I've never thought of it that way and it is definitely giving me a broader sense of female intuition. I will try to switch the roles a bit and refuse to have sex with her. We will see how she responds. Hopefully I will be golden
If you are in love with her you need to control your energy. You have to come from a place of power within yourself. Its paramount to success that you need to be the prize. Women respond to authority in a man. Its common for women to test men. Not that this is a bad thing. What can be bad is having so much attention on the outcome of wether it will work out.
By pulling your attention away, you will be able to monitor her investment in you. If she moves towards you when you pull your energy away then you'll know where you are at. She is aware of your interest so that should be enough. Some people foolishly jump through all of the idiot test and the continuous hoops. Remember the kitten analogy. Its not science but is an incredibly valuable model when it come to the opposite sex.
Start mining from her criteria a little and ask some covert questions to find out what makes her tick. Challenge her. It will keep her interest engaged and separate you from everyone else.
You have to remember that hot women have been hit on ever since they started getting into their sexuality. Hot women are used to being hit on ALL the time and because of it they tend to have a girl radar to search and destroy folk who, like you wear their heart on their sleeve. Just remember, if you keep doing the same thing, you are going to keep on getting the same results and ultimately will be a little confused and fooled again.
Try something new. Get inside her mind and discover how she thinks. Being a conservative girl, she will have a certain way at looking at the world. Come from a neutral place and not have her switch on those girl filters that will view you as one of those things that she has to get rid of. To have any impact on this girl, you have to separate yourself from everyone else. Give her something to think about. If she is the one for you then you'll find a way. Female intuition is much broader. To get inside of her mind is the key. Not the pants. That will come. Try this:
I’ve come to an understanding about women that a lot of my friends will never get, It’s an understanding I’ve come to be really opening my mind. I actually think that inside every woman there are in fact 2 women. On one hand there is the culturally programmed woman, the one with all of the social rules and roles. Dont sleep with anyone if he has slept with someone you know, don't let a guy know you really like him etc (give a couple of examples here and make it sound boring)
But then on the other hand there’s the natural woman. That’s the place where you keep you most exciting memories, where you ponder fantasies, daydreams, amazing possibilities…the kind of things you might want to do if no-one were watching or listening. The things you wouldn’t even want your best friends to know that you dream about or maybe even long for.
Oftentimes what happens is, because of the roles that society forces you to play, or maybe a relationship that you’re already in or a relationship that you have just come out of that restricts you, a person has to lock those parts of them away and keep them safe…and yet they are still there…deep inside…just waiting to emerge.
Then change the subject to something else. You will soon discover she will be thinking about what you said long after you are gone and will reach for that ball of wool...
A gentleman never talks about past loves. Why? Because as you have found out, it always comes back to haunt you and it's disrespectful to past lovers.
Yes Susie you are absolutely right, at least in part. I suppose the same goes both ways. However, it you are balanced in your emotions and go above and beyond letting external events control you and your emotions, then you won't sink.
The entire ocean can not sink a tiny boat unless it gets inside it.
Similarly jealously and insecurity can't put you down unless you allow to get inside you.
If you make your relationship with your Inner Being your top priority, in other words not to let external events control and you deliberately choose thoughts that allow your alignment with yourself, you will consistently offer the greatest advantage to the others with whom you interact with. Only when you are aligned with that do you have anything to offer another and the ultimately not care about people's past, cause thankfully it was all leading you in the right direction.