He cheated on me..
basicaly about 3 months ago, me and my boyfriend held a small get together in our flat. only 4 people came, because we wanted to keep it quiet, but one of the girls who came was my ex from a couple of years ago when i went through a faze of being bisexual. i am neally 18, my bofriend is neally 19, and my ex ashleigh was only just 15. i'm not proud of having been with her, but that was the past. anyway before the party started my boyfriend said to me that he would like to see me kiss another girl. you know, what boy wouldnt like that? i was horrified that he would even ask me to do such a thing, so we had a little talk and he said he wasnt being serious anyway. but he mentioned it more than once, and when she got to our flat with her friend, and two other friends of mine, we started drinking quite abit. it got to about 11pm and we was all sat in the living room with just some party lights on and music, and my boyfriend kept looking at ashleigh and i didn't like it atall, but i didn't mention it. i was getting quite fed up of it. he kept lighting her fag for her and sitting close and took his top off. i then whispered to ashleigh "my boyfiend wants me to kiss you later" and she got ever so flirty. but i knew she still fancied me anyway, although the feeling wasn't mutual atall. i then whispered to my boyfriend if he still wanted me to kiss her, for his pleasure basicaly. i wanted to make him happy more than anything else in the world, even if that meant kissing a girl meanlessly for his own need. he looked at me after i asked him and said "i don't want you to kiss her infront of the others. i want you to take her in the bedroom or something? or make them go out of the room?" the music was blasting, so nobody could hear what we was saying anyway. then all of a sudden, the three other people walked out of the room to get some more drinks. when they left i looked at my boyfriend, he looked at me as if to say "now" so i turned to ashleigh and kissed her. it lasted for literaly no more than 8 seconds, and after that my boyfriend smiled. he then about half hour later walked out the room and was acting off with me. we shut the bedroom door and he told me that he can't be with me anymore because he hated what he'd seen. i was really angry at this because not 5 minutes ago he wanted this so bad and i was doing it to make HIM happy. i hated it. anyway i started crying and people were starting to wonder what the fuss was over. i couldnt quite get my head around why he made me do it, and then was now ending me? i then walked to our porch and was going for a walk, when he stopped me in the porch while i was putting my shoes on, and told me that he would forgive me, and he promised me that he would forget it and it was over. everything was fine. but i knew him way too well, and he always says things, and then the next day he'll bring it all up again. so i went out the front and simon (somebody else who came to the party) followed me. i cried on him, and my boyfriend walked out. he started talking to me so i confronted him saying how he'll be fine while everyone else is here but when they go home, he'll shout and push me about. so he walked back inside while me and simon walked down the road to have a chat. next thing i know, i can see my boyfriend walking down the road in the opposite direction, with ashleigh and her friend, walking them to meet somebody else. i guess he wanted to make sure they got back okay. they was walking either side of him. i felt crushed. anyway, then i got back to my flat. and it was just me, simon and his girlfriend. simon rung my boyfriend, but no answer. then ashleighs friend came back without ashleigh or my boyfriend. and as soon as she came back alone, i KNEW somthing was going on between him and ashleigh out there. her friend charlie said that ashleigh needed to go and have a piss, and that my boyfriend was waiting for her. i knew he loved girls pissing (he had some kind of wierd fetish with it. it turned him on) my heart sunk when i heard about that.. then they came back after about 10 minutes. he sparked up a fag for her. she called me gorgeous. and he said sorry to me. we was okay. then everyone went home, and me and my boyfriend got in bed at about 4am. i just come straight out with it, and said "you kissed her didn't you?" he denied it about 7847862874 times, but then eventualy he just said simply "you did it first." i felt sick. i cried and cried, and felt broken. we argued about it and i couldn't and still can't understand how it's justified? i kissed some girl because he asked me to, and i did it infront of him! he kissed the same girl, behind my back! and i didnt want or ask OR expect him to! mine was for his pleasure. his broke my heart. we was broken from that day. walking a thin line. arguing literaly 10 times a day and i have terrible bad patches where i ignore him, push him, lash out and try and knock some sense into his head. then the worst part was, i told him about 3 weeks later that i was going to ask ashleigh if anything else happened between them, so i said basicaly i'd rather it come from him than her. i typed her an email and everything, then at the very last second he admitted that he go off with her not only once, but twice! and once was in our living room! i felt so sick. and then ashleigh tells me that apparently he tried to undo her zip on her jeans and said to her that i'll never know! obvioulsy he denied it, but i do actualy believe her. but i'm still with him! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! just tell me somebody.. is it right what he did? or is he just another twat who i need out of my life? maybe he only got me to get off with her, so it wouldnt look so bad when he did it? weve just celebrated our 10 month anniversary. and were engaged. help.
For your situation, I will break it down and analyze what went on. Then, Iâ€™ll give you advice about your current predicament.
IN THE BEGINNING:
Usually if a guy mentions that he wants you to kiss another girl, he wants it to happen (itâ€™s not a joke). He may want it to happen to fulfill a fantasy of his, test the limits of your relationship, or create a situation that is more favorable for him. He could have wanted you to kiss Ashleigh for his own ego or as an excuse to complain about something/do something with someone else. It really doesnâ€™t matter the reason, the point is that it was wrong to do because it seems like he just walks all over your relationship like it means nothing. It is one thing to do something for someone you love, but if you are uncomfortable and are not into kissing other girls, you shouldnâ€™t do it. This is especially true if you want a monogamous relationship. Once you made it â€œokayâ€ to kiss other girls, that gave him an excuse to do what he wanted to do. Itâ€™s like you invited her to be a part of your relationship, even if it was just a kiss. Having said this, this is not your fault, but you played right into his hands. It looks like he doesnâ€™t appreciate you and what you did for him. He can look at other girls, just like you can look at other guys, but looking is different from touching. You should not have to go out of your way to please him, especially if you canâ€™t find any joy in the situation. He should have just asked you what you thought about kissing another woman and not bring it up again since you didnâ€™t want to do it.
AFTER THE KISS:
When your boyfriend tells you he canâ€™t be with you anymore because of the kiss, that is not true. The truth is he doesnâ€™t want to be with you anymore and wants a way out so he can play the field. He wanted you to kiss Ashleigh so that he could use it as an excuse to do what he wanted with other girls. You were right to be angry, and it seems like he could care less about your feelings. He has no right to say he will forgive you when there is nothing to forgive (And since he did bring it up later, I wouldnâ€™t blame you if you were even angrier about it.) What a jerk! He acts like he has power over you. You are your own person and donâ€™t deserve to be treated like he has treated you. If my boyfriend was walking down the street with two women, I would have to accompany them to see exactly where they were going, because one man plus two women is about as troublesome as it gets. I can see why you felt crushed. I can also see why your intuition kicked in about him being with Ashleigh. It is important to listen to your feelings and pay attention to what goes on in your relationship. The reason he said sorry to you when he returned is because he got what he wanted, so nothing was a big deal at that point.
All you had to do at this time was ask him about Ashleigh just once or twice. You knew he cheated on you in some way. I would have slept somewhere else or had him go somewhere else. There is no reason for him to treat you the way he did. The fact that you slept next to him after the situation indicates that he can do what he wants and that it doesnâ€™t matter. Actions speak louder than words. Why would he have to tell you anything if he can do what he wants (This is his line of thinking)? When he said â€œyou did it first,â€ this confirmed the fact that he wanted you to kiss Ashleigh so that he could use it to do what he wanted. Once he said that, it was over between you two, it really was.
HERE IS A TIP: Donâ€™t argue about something if you donâ€™t need to. Right now, you have a good idea about what happened between him and Ashleigh. You donâ€™t need anymore confirmation. Donâ€™t give yourself unneeded stress about this guy. For your own sake, and in order to have some peace, break it off with him.
Why are you engaged to him when you have problems to work out? You work out your problems, then you get engaged. Of course, your problem seems like it only gets worse with time. It will get even more complicated and stressful with marriage. Donâ€™t marry this guy. Break up with him. You deserve better. Think about what is best for you (and he isnâ€™t), okay? TILES
Quite simply dump him.
If you want a relationship of insecurities and deceit while enduring an ever decreasing self esteem...stick with him.
I have to be honest and wonder why you got even to this point. Basically if your at the stagewhere your asking strangers what to do...your in the wrong relationship.
Ronnie A. , I completely disagree with the statement "Basically if your at the stagewhere your asking strangers what to do...your in the wrong relationship." If that is the case, then why should people even post relationship problems on this site if that is the only answer they will ever get? Some relationships (not this one, though) are worth fighting for, despite the problems.
Some people do like to hear the rationale behind an answer because they don't see it as a simple matter. Others may get support from this site that they cannot get anywhere else. Simply put, your generalization has many flaws. I thought the other things you said were great though! TILES (P.S. You probably don't care what I think, but I felt I needed to respond.)
Your point is taken but not agreed with. Maybe it's about mind-sets. I for one certainly would not let a relationship get to the stage where i was asking advice from stranger, but i do take on board some people will fight fo a obviously flawed relationship-i cant understand it but accept thay do.
Well, just know that if you ever do decide to talk to a stranger about a problem, think about this site as a possible outlet. Granted, it's not for everyone, but it's here. I think some people write here just to let their feelings out without having to worry about what their loved ones will think. I personally like giving advice over receiving it, but if I need advice or a different perspective on something, I know this site is available. Thanks for your disagreement, and thanks for responding to my post! TILES