Just need someone somewhere to know what's going on inside my head. A listener..
My life is falling apart. I feel like there is this pain I can't get rid of and I'm slipping into such a deep dark depression.
I have no idea if I'm posting this in the correct spot but I just need to get this out.
First I want to say I know I will get judged for what I'm about to say but at least I can finally get this all out. idk if there will be someone out there willing to listen and not judge me or pass opinion on what I should do..but just listen and let me lean on their shoulders.
I fell in love with a man who comes from a very painful childhood. He saw his mother get physically abused and recently he has began to beat me. I love him very much and I know that sounds so bad but he has a beautiful soul deep down inside. I have always struggled with depression but latley I have been struggling to stay strong. I feel as though I have so many thoughts and feelings going on inside my head I can't even make sense of them myself. Nobody knows this in my personal life but I became pregnant with his child a few months ago (before the abuse started) and had a misscarriage. This was my first pregnancy and I didn't know how to feel I was so broken over it and I felt like I was alone. He told me that it was my fault and I killed the baby because I wouldn't stop stressing and that he didn't want it anyway among other horrible things. He always says sorry and I know that he doesn't mean what he says but it still hurts. He is my first love and the only guy I have ever been with but he has been with 30+ partners since we have been together he has slept with two different women while we were on a break. I know that we were on a break but that tore my soul apart and brought me down to the deepest depths of pain I have ever felt. One girl or woman I should say was 45 years old and a grandmother ( we are both in our very early 20s).
I feel like I cannot leave him because I love him so much I see his pain and I feel like he can really really change for me. He tries and I see he tries to be better he just needs one person in his life to not give up on him and love him hard.
I'm trying to deal with the pain of my misscarriage, our relationship, and starting my career all at the same time I feel torn and sad. We have the potential to create a beautiful life together. My depression is getting worse everyday he sees I'm sad but I just tell him I'm tired ( I work night shift) so he does his best to make me happy in his own way. Some days are good but other days make my heart feel so sad. He calls me fat and nasty and pig and I tell him I don't care but it truly hurts me. He is really good looking and attractive and girls are always trying to be with him. I feel like everyone has had sex with him in our town so I feel sometimes like I don't have the experience or body he wants compared to all these other girls.
I look at intimacy as something so special and sacred and he doesn't really value it at all. It's just an activity to him. When I feel like he is bored with me I am intimate with him because I don't want him to cheat. Then after I feel like I am betraying my own values.
That being said he does have a beautiful side. Whenever I'm sad he takes me up into the mountains where its so peaceful because he knows I love it up there. He will always kiss me and hold my hand. Which I love so very much.
He asked me to marry him and gave me this ring while we were up in the mountains. When we came down and went in the store he told me to take it off. I don't know if he was embarresd of me or the ring ( it was beautiful but not expensive at all). It hurt my feelings..because I told him I don't care how much it cost I love it because it came from you.
I want him but im battling with my depression ( he does not know I struggle with depression ) I'm slipping guys.. I love life but I have this dark sad cloud over my heart and I feel like I can't take a deep breath. I feel like I have a beautiful soul. Why can't he see that?
Sorry this is so long.. I needed to get this out.
Thank you for your time and have a blessed day.
i think you need a break!
then clear your all doubts with him.. talk to him
everything will be all right!
Hey, I know this is probably not what you want to hear but this has happened to one of my old friends. His father used to abuse his mother and he started abusing her - hitting her and calling her names. She kept saying he had a good heart, whilst holding an ice pack to her eye. I don't know you, but it seems like you're struggling so hard and can't hold on for much longer. This will hurt but I think it's good if you hear it -
He doesn't love you. No man that loves you will ever lay a finger on you. He probably sees you as this pure object, since you said he was your only one. Which is why he keeps you around, because he was there first - he's probably territorial as well. However, he has slept with other girls, and you yourself have a feeling he's probably sleeping with them now. This is horrible. Especially because you feel like you have to give him sex to keep him. No one, let me repeat - no one, should feel that way.
What I'm trying to say is, that although he has a good side, you listed his bad side first - the bad outweigh the good --- and right now you need to be selfish because look what he's doing to you. He knows he's the problem for your depression but still he carries on what he's doing and asks how you are - but deep inside he has no intentions of making you feel better. His thoughts are selfish too, sleep/abuse women, feel better, then repeat.
I really think you should get away, you don't need this in your life and once you get him out you will feel so much more relieved. If you want to do good for him - talk to a counselar to talk to him about his problems. But you can't do anymore because he's dragging you to the bottom. The right person will come along - one that will not let you shed one tear. Seriously, give it a break. If you are really willing to give him a last chance then tell him he has to change - if he doesn't, then you know what his priorities are. And you're not one of them, sorry to say.
Please understand that I'm not trying to be harsh, but honest.
I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but you really need to get away from him for a while. Once you're away from him, you'll start to realize that what he's putting you through is beyond unacceptable and that you deserve much much better! When you've only been with one person it's very hard to imagine your life with somebody else, but just think about it, is this really how you want your life to be? You get one life, only one, and you deserve to be happy and to be with somebody that treats you like a queen!! He can say it as much as he wants to, but he does not love you, he doesn't! I know that's extremely hard to hear, but nobody would ever treat somebody that they love that way! He cheats on you constantly, calls you terrible names, as well as beats you! That is not love, not by a longshot! What that is is wanting control over you, it's that simple. Please Don't do this to yourself, you may think you'll never find somebody else, but you will. You need a break, you need some time to heal and get yourself esteem back to where it needs to be. I don't know you but I do know you don't deserve what you're getting, I'm sure you are an amazing person and have many great qualities and traits that somebody out there really would appreciate! You deserve to be happy just like everybody else, he is not the man for you, you may love him but unless he loves you back what's the point? And for somebody to say that after having a miscarriage is absolutely horrible and disgusting! Then again, I believe all things happen for a reason, would you want this man around a child? With a temper like that? You do not want to child growing up in a household filled with emotional and physical abuse , Just get out, even if you have to tell yourself it's only a short break, give it at least a month or two so you can get your head together, once I left my ex it didn't take more than two weeks for me to start to realize that I was in sane to stay with him. You'll see it to and one day you'll look back on this and want to kick yourself in the butt for not leaving sooner. Please stay strong and do what's best for you! You deserve to be loved!
Run Lady...just run...Make a plan, make a friends(s), and stick to the plan and GO.
This will NOT get any better.
He will NOT change anything on his own.
And you can't fix this for him...you need to take care of yourself
You need to save yourself while you can...while you have a soul...please, please, leave...I know this is tough to hear, but keep what you have left of your self-respect and LEAVE...NOW
You're not stupid AT ALL for loving him, you're human!!!
He's damaged, and with him being damaged he probably doesn't know how to love and/or treat you correctly.
I'm not gonna come on here and tell you to leave him that's not my place, but I will say that I can tell that you have a beautiful soul and that you're a beautiful person, and my prayer for you is that god will guide and strengthen you!!!
Please Don't think you're stupid for loving him because you're far from it! please don't let him damage you so bad that you feel like you're worthless!!!
You're in my Prayers!
Hi. Have you ever known someone that was being abused? The really weird thing is that if you looked up definitions of abuser and abused you would find a lot of similarities in your own story.
Its like some kind of disease.First they isolate you from anyone you ever cared about or that cared about you . Then they start taking away your self esteem.They make you feel like THEY are responsible for day and night and anything else that affects your life.
I can't to you to leave..but I want to .*I know he makes you feel that if you left him you would literally DIE.YOU CANT FIX HIM! Unfortunately, he was damaged long before you But you CAN bewise enough and heed what we are all saying to you.Maybe not today,but hopefully soon.In the meantime,read about other abused women . Draw strength and wisdom from their stories. Good luck and PLEASE...REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!