Either my fiance is blind or I'm nuts.. which one?
My fiance and I have been engaged for four months now. We are happily tra la la in love. Things are going smooth and I have NEVER been this happy with a man in my life.
Here is the sitch. Before he and I met, he had dated a female for a month and they broke up because of a ultamateum she posed on him and he left. Fast foward to a month later, he and I started dating. Things were great until she started texting him saying she misses him deeply and she was sorry that she wasn't enough for him, that she has been crying constantly. Her friends would come to my fiance at his work to tell him how miserable she is, asking why I am a better woman than her and blah blah blah (my fiance would show me each text she sent and i've witnessed her friend talking to him and he would tell me later whats going on). So, my fiance had texted her and said, "If you can not respect my relationship with 'soda1993' I do not want you talking to me". Cool...that ended it surprisingly. Double fast forward to five months later. She found out we were engaged. Here comes the waterworks, tickets for a guilt trip and an invite to a pity party.
But seriously now, this is what she wrote to him. She starts off by saying "I guess I will try this 'being "Friends" ' thing" She states that she has a great job now, she is doing all of the things that they had planned to do, she's buying a house and dating a someone. I'm like, 'thank goodness!' BUT, she continued. She said that she can not force herself to love the man she is with because she still loves and misses my fiance. She said that she had a pregnancy scare and all she could think of was her and my fiance buying a house together and having kids. She continued on to say that she hopes that I can make him happy since she couldn't. Woe is me, woe is me blah blah blah. She misses him and he is all that she can think of.
Now, at this point I am boiling because she has been told to stop this and just be regular friends. I don't mind him having female friends at all but this chick is pushing it. When I discussed my feelings with my fiance, he brought it to my attention that I have male friends. Which I do, but they are not trying to get with me nor are they wishing that their partners are me. I kindly asked him to remove her completely from his life again and he said no and that i have to trust him. I let him know that I trust him with all of my heart but my gut is saying something different because I don't trust HER. I tried explaining to him that she is only trying to make him feel sorry for her so that he can second guess his choice in leaving her and come back to her after he 'sees' how much she loves him. It's an old trick. I asked him how would he think the 'boyfriend' (if there is one) would feel if he read this. He said, "I don't know...it's just bizarre" But he won't relieve her of her 'friend' duty. We are scheduled to start our Pre-marital counseling sessions next week (August 14) but I need advice NOW. This is tearing me up and I need advice on what I can do. Am I being over sensitive or is he being 'weird'. How about the 'friend'...what would you all do? All advice is appreciated.
First of all, congratulations on being engaged! From reading your post, I can see you have a good guy here. You have a right to be sensitive about the issue, and you should let him know how you feel (which you have). But, you should let him handle the issue with his ex. Itâ€™s not his fault she has issues with moving on. As long as he rejects her invitation to the pity party, then heâ€™s doing wonderfully.
If he says he can handle it, let him handle it. If you trust him, have confidence in him to do the right thing. Because the more you bring up the issue of what he needs to do, the more likely he will compare you to the woman who keeps bothering him, which you donâ€™t want. In his last relationship, he did not take well to an ultimatum (remember this!). He doesnâ€™t like when someone tells him what he needs to do or commands him to do something in a certain way. You can give him advice, as long as you donâ€™t try to make his decisions for him. So, trust in his love for you and just be happy. Think of it this way, the happier you two are, the more the woman of his past will bother him, because you two have something real. Just say to your fiancÃ©, â€œI love you, I trust you, Iâ€™m here for you, and if you ever need me to help you, let me know.â€
STRESS RELIEVER OPTIONS:
You need to do something with the stress you have over this situation. In your shoes, I would be beyond mad about the ex too, so here is what you can do while your fiancÃ© is handling the situationâ€¦
1. Buy a punching bag, and put the name or face of the woman on the punching bag if you need to. Encourage your fiancÃ© to get one too and â€œpunch outâ€ friends or those he doesnâ€™t like.
2. Exercising expends energy. Make use of the negative feelings in a positive way. Stretching out and running are a couple of suggestions.
3. Relaxation. You can meditate, do breathing exercises, inhale/exhale then count to 10. Yell or shout into empty space just to get the anger out of your system.
4.Talk to a friend you trust. Maybe he/she can give you perspective.
5.Texting. For every text the ex sends, you later send your fiancÃ© an â€œI love youâ€ or â€œguess what happened todayâ€ message or something similar. Another option would be to send one of these texts each day, regardless of what the ex sends. Let your fiancÃ© know you will do this to show you have faith in him.
6.Massage/Something fun. For every text the ex sends (or for anything the ex does that bothers you), your fiancÃ© gets a massage from you or you get a massage from him(whichever makes you happiest!). Or you could have special requests. For instance, when she texts, you can request that he do something for you, or he could get to request something special for the honeymoonâ€¦ (If he gets requests/massages, heâ€™ll be more willing to participate. I would suggest alternating (Example: if she texts on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays, he gets a massage/request, but other days you get the massage/request. Make the situation fun! Youâ€™ll look forward to the texts then.)
If you need anymore help, let me know. I wish you good luck for your counseling sessions! TILES
I agree about the ultimatum but I have to admit I'm a bit dubious about that friend thing. If you have been dissappointed that badly by someone, normally you can't trust them anymore, can you? So why would you want such a person as a friend? I mean ok, you shouldn't push him into stopping contact but seeing that it makes you unhappy, he should tell the girl to stop it. At the end of the day, it's you he wants to marry.
As for the game thing, I don't agree, it would take the seriousness out of the matter and make it look like you accept it.
If you accept that before you're even married, it would later on seem ok for you to accept other things, I reckon you should explain why it bothers you clearly. Write down some arguments so as to avoid becoming tearful or hysterical.
Ebrief, good points. They made me think about the situation in a different way.