Considering divorce after 6 years
My husband and I have been together for 7 years altogether. Tomorrow we will celebrate our 6 year wedding anniversary and while I should be celebrating another year with him, I just feel indifferent and somewhat confused.
My husband has had issues with anger that have only seemed to be slowly getting worse. I recall the first incident being back in our first year of marriage, we were expecting our first daughter and in the last months of my pregnancy he would start to become easily agitated. It started off that he would throw things. I recall one of his episodes, we were going through baby shower gifts and he became stressed out going through them. He said something pretty hurtful towards me, I got upset and had to leave the house.
Over the course of 5 years he has resorted to throwing things (not at me), calling me names, threatening to hurt me, threatening divorce, threatening to take our children away from me and saying things he knows will hurt me. This past year has been the worst for us. I've left him a handful of times, claiming each time that I was done.. but I would come back hoping for a better outcome.
Most of his bursts of rage come out of the blue. Something that wouldn't bother him one day could completely set him off the next. It drives me nuts!
This last incident was just a few weeks ago. I was joking with him, he took it the wrong way and blew up. It ended up with me packing up some of my things, him cursing at me and making me feel guilty for leaving.. saying,
This sounds like anger personality disorder. My dad had it, my older brother inherited it from him. o I had to live with it from the day I was a born until my brother moved out and we didn't share the same room anymore. Of course, he would come back from school in the summer and on holidays, and then, after he got married, I would see him at family gatherings every so often, and he could also call on the phone. So he was still reaching me.
There is so much to say about this, once you have lived with someone like this. I think you are right. You need to be trying to move out. It will never get better. He needs your undecidedness, so he will have someone safe (someone smaller, weaker, like I was, in my older brother's case) to lamblast.
Anger personality disorder is new, only in the last 6 or 8 years, and they realized, it's not attached to another illness, it's just anger, anger by itself.
I just realized something in the last month or so, and that is, my wife had borderline personality syndrome, from trauma in childhood (sex abuse), in which her ego divided with the trauma, with one half of her ego being the trauma, a wall, and then the other half of her divided ego being where she lived (at the emotional age of when the trauma occurred, 5) in her mind. Underneath all of that was rage, especially at males, but she was hacked off at females, also.
In our room, she would rage at me. If our child came out into the living room, she would go out there and be the nicest person in the world. It was scary. So, no one else saw this anger. It only happened in our room, and with me. If I had said something about it to someone, she would claim, "Oh, we just had our own difference of opinion," or something like that. She was two people, or, one person with a divided ego. One, the emotional five year old, two, I guess, herself, as best she could be, cond. her emotional growth stopped at 5.
What I realized just recently was, my brother, with his anger per. disorder, was just like my wife. He would rage at me almost every time we were in the room together. If company came in, he was the nicest guy in town. They never saw his anger side. What I realized was, he has many of the signs of anger per. disorder, of a divided ego.
Does he even realize that when he's raging, that this is a completely different side of himself? Does he realize when he walks into the living room and company is there, and he is extra nice, that that is a diff. side of himself? Does he realize he has 2 sides, completely opposite? And no center personality, rather two divided sides?
Now, what I've also recently figured out about my brother (and older sister) was, they were sex. abused by our mother, who was also sex. abused. Then I realized, that both of them are borderline personality disorder people, with a divided ego from the trauma, and emotional 5 or 10 years olds, whenever the trauma occurred. So there is a lot of anger with borderline per. dis.
I think my brother could have inherited anger per. dis. from my dad, and gotten borderline pers. dis. when my mother sex. abused him.
Your husband could have anger per. dis. without the borderline. Do you think he was sex. abused? Look up borderline per. dis., also, and look at the symptoms and see what you think.
My brothers wife, once told my wife, that my brother downgraded her so much, she couldn't even walk out the door. She left my brother 20 years ago, at age, I'll say 50. She stayed because of the kids, waiting till they were grown.
I broke ties with my brother, I'll say, 10 years ago when he tried to mettle in legal affairs that effected me. So my brother is just sitting there in his hometown with nobody to attack. You're talking misery. Take away the target, and imagine how he will suffer.
My cousin, who also has anger per. dis., with whom I also had to break ties because he gave me his best verbal shot and ploy one day, once told me, "I holler at people in my own house (his parents) because they can't get away."
Hey, does that remind you of anybody? Like hubby? He needs you, bad. Who else is he going to cuss out who "can't get away" because of the kid, the house, the hubby, the money? Nobody. He can't holler at a casual acquaintance because they can walk away; because they don't have to take it; because they have no ties to him.
Oh, you mentioned, he started hollering at me in the last months of my pregnancy. Hey, concidence, huh? Hey, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, you are. I'm sure he's a real peach of a guy. Right. But look what his timing was. A few months prior to the birth of your first child. Hello! You didn't make any connection between those two events, did you? Believe me, there is.
You were then locked in with an upcoming child, and he exploded. Perfect timing for someone who doesn't have a heart, which he doesn't. You think he has a heart because you have one, but he doesn't, and you can't imagine that. That's why you keep coming back, I'll bet, or, as you say, "I've left him a handful of times, claiming each time that I was done.. but I would come back hoping for a better outcome."
So, he's using your child to hold you down like a vice, and then he's wailing into you, with your child, "holding you back from a better life." Oh, please, this is good. I'm making lite, only because I've been there with my brother, my sister, my mother, my wife, all of whom had the door blocked somehow.
I'm going to give you a medal for trying, for showing spunk. But next time you leave, the next time he throws a fit, stay gone. Get a lawyer, male or female as you choose, find out who gets the child, who get the house, how much he may have to pay for child support, other things. I don't know if you should boldly announce what you're going to do right in front of him, maybe wait till he goes to work? Can you support yourself? Will he have to support you?
Have it all worked out with your lawyer, have it worked out for where you're going to stay, might not let him know where you're going to stay, don't take his calls. Believe me, he's better at getting you back, then you are at leaving. He's already proved that enough times.
So, don't be in contact with him. Put on your big girl panties. Communicate with him through your lawyer. Don't ever be in a room with him by yourself, another adult, so he can't flip into his "private conversation" personality. Finding another adult could be tricky with his anger, but don't go into a room with him by yourself with him. Hire a plain cloths security guard. Don't talk to him on the phone for any reason. Tell him through your lawyer, to call your lawyer if he wants communication. That way he can't scream at your lawyer.
Of course with a child, he has a natural in-road to being in contact with you. Have an adult with you when you visit for such reason. It's a game. He's a pro, but you can win, because you're in the right. But you have to try as hard as you can.
He will figure out how to get through some of this, because that's all he has is his anger, but you at least have to try.
I think you're going to have to break ties, or he's going to break you.
In a post below this one, on this thread, I'll give you a column I read on being positive when entering a problem. It's helped me very much.
below is some lines from a description of "anger personality disorder" which I typed in to the search engine. It was bout the 5th one down from the top, tripod.com
"Most personality disordered people are prone to be angry. Their anger is always sudden, raging, frightening and without an apparent provocation by an outside agent. It would seem that people suffering from personality disorders are in a CONSTANT state of anger, which is effectively suppressed most of the time. It manifests itself only when the person's defenses are down, incapacitated, or adversely affected by circumstances, inner or external. We have pointed at the psychodynamic source of this permanent, bottled-up anger, elsewhere in this book. In a nutshell, the patient was, usually, unable to express anger and direct it at "forbidden" targets in his early, formative years (his parents, in most cases). The anger, however, was a justified reaction to abuses and mistreatment. The patient was, therefore, left to nurture a sense of profound injustice and frustrated rage. Healthy people experience anger, but as a transitory state. This is what sets the personality disordered apart: their anger is always acute, permanently present, often suppressed or repressed. Healthy anger has an external inducing agent (a reason). It is directed at this agent (coherence)."
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't gong to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prio to my nest problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is your uncon. neg. So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”
I second what everyone on here has already said. Love is not selfish...its kind...patient...Love does not boast...If he is threatening you physical and emotional harm and he knows what hes doing that is abuse no matter what capacity its in. The person who loves you should never want to do you harm and yes while I believe he has some psychological and mental issues going on and do not believe its healthy for you or your children to be in harms way based off of what hes done or could do...you don't want to know or have the too little too late situation. I would advise you advise him to get some help and once he goes through awhile counseling then maybe possibly you guys can work this out till then you are putting yourself and children in danger...But your happiness and life is yours to make.
Here's something else you can do, below.
Here's something else you can do. If he find out where you live, and he knocks on your door. Don't open the door.
You don't have to open the door anyway if you don't know who it is knocking. You open your door, you take away the last line of your defense.
So if you see his car pull up and he knocks, don't open it. If you don't see his car pull up and someone who you don't know who it is knocks, don't open it. If you choose, you can call through the door, "What do you want?" 'How do you get to the nearest gas station?" "I don't know."
But you did that without opening the door to a stranger. You don't need to open the door to tell a stranger you don't know where the nearest gas station is, and that might not be why he knocked on the door and wanted you to open it.
If you know it's your husband who has knocked on the door, you don't have to talk through the door, for that will start a conversation and he will win. If he hasn't left the porch in a reasonable amount of time, you can call the police, and he knows it. He doesn't want to go up against the police, he wants to go up against you.
Another trick I use is (for any unwanted person), I have steel door stops which fit up under the door handle, and go down about 3 feel to the floor. I've had someone who broke one of the 2 locks on my door, and was one door lock away from getting in. I had a chance to learn from that, thank goodness. The door locks you buy at the local hardware store don't have to work, specially when a 200-pound man runs at it at full speed.
But the steel poles under the door knob and down 3 fee to the floor, don't break. They are stolid steel, and the force goes down into the floor, and they don't break. I have one on each exterior door.
I even have a 4th steal pole on an interior door that leads to the bedrooms, so if someone somehow got into my living room, I can step behind and close the door that leads to my bedrooms, put the pole in place that is waiting right there, and they haven't gotten to me yet. Or, I can use the extra interior steel pole to put up under the door handle of my bedroom door, which swings open. And again, they haven't gotten into the room where I am.
And, of course, I'm calling 911 on my cell or land phone and they know it.