Lost a friend...want her back...feeling depressed
Hi. I'm a 19 year old guy. I used to be close friends with this girl in class. But now we don’t talk to each other for some reason. During the first few days of "us not talking to each other" it seemed fine because I made friends with another girl. I felt like it was ok to have lost her (the first girl) and college would still be fun because I thought I could have the same kind of friendship that I had with the first girl, with this girl. But as days passed I started missing her (the first girl). I started missing the friendship we used to share. We were never in a relationship or anything but we were more than friends. We could talk about anything to each other. We used to be best friends. We wouldn’t go out with our friends if the either if us wasn’t there. We couldn’t do without each other. We used to be so close that on one occasion – on her birthday, our friends planned to surprise her and after she cut the cake she fed me first even though her boyfriend was there. Ever since we stopped talking, I’ve been pretending to be a happy person but I’m sad most of the time. I feel like people can look through me and make out that I’m not happy because I’ve become so insecure, unconfident and lonely. Now when I look back, I feel like we were in a relationship. I miss her very much. I don’t know if she is pretending to be happy too because I’ve seen her sad sometimes. And her friends (whom I thought she became very close to after we stopped talking) sometimes talk bad about her. Sometimes I feel she is going through the same thing that I am going through and that she misses me too but I don’t know what to do about it. I so badly want her back in my life but I don’t know how to approach her or talk to her or find the right time to talk to her. I’m scared that if I try to tell her that I miss her, she would think that I’m a kid and that I’m not capable of letting go of the past or something like that and also make fun of me. I’ve tried my best to just let it go and move on and think that friends come and go but I just can’t because I’ve never lost a friend in my life and this hurts a lot. And the fact that we’re both in the same class makes me think of her even more. I used to be such a happy person when I was friends with her but now I feel like I will never be happy because I’ve lost all my confidence, self-esteem and pride.
I know this doesn’t sound like a big problem but it has been bothering me ever since we stopped talking. It has been more than a year and I don’t want to live with this feeling anymore because I’ve been depressed all this time and I think depression is the worst disease anyone can have, so I had to let it out today. I’m really happy I found a place to post this and hope that I will get some answers that would help me deal with this situation, or fear or whatever this is called. I don’t know what to call it.
How about just starting out the FRIENDSHIP again? No need to try to figure out what this all mean, just start talking.
You are going to have to get up the courage to do that, if you don't want this friend to slip thru your fingers again.
(PS WHY did you completely stop talking?)
But what do I start talking about and how?? I'm not sure how to approach her.
One thing, as much as you've said, you never said why she quit talking to you. Do you have a clue? I do.
"We used to be so close that on one occasion – on her birthday, our friends planned to surprise her and after she cut the cake she fed me first even though her boyfriend was there. Ever since we stopped talking...."
Two clues there. One, she fed you the first piece of cake, even though her boy friend was there. Hello!!!
Second clue, ever since that happened we stopped talking.
In such an event in a relationship, you might can rewind the tape to see what you or she may have said of done to change the courage of the friendship. In this case, she didn't do anything, as far as deciding not to talk with you.
You won the battle over her boyfriend by getting the first piece of cake, and you lost the war, or, you lost her friendship. Why?
Her boyfriend, who is one up the power level than you are with her, stopped her from talking with you again for the same reason you've been giving: you two were close, too close. He was threatened, and if she wants to stay in good stead with her boyfriend, she has to quit talking to you.
He told her that. It wasn't her idea. But she can't tell you what's going on. Because she has to stay loyal to him, if she wants him for a boyfriend. One example, I might can give one of them. Frist, only a few months ago, I met a woman walking my dog. We had 4 or 5 good, in the evening, good conversations.
One day, on the 5th conversation, I'll say, boyfriend rides up, who lives with her, uh, oh. Trouble. Big trouble. Well, she and I were just having friendly conversations. Doesn't matter. He comes in with about a 12-pack of beer. Oh, gosh. For 2 or 3 weeks after that, she won't talk, won't say why. I already know why. Boyfriend got threatened. Boyfriends are supposed to be modern, trevial things don't bother.... Yeah, they do.
Today's young women are supposed to be independent and not respond to such infantile...right. A month after the starting problem, she moved out of his place and moved 200 feet away to another apartment. That's been 3 months. She still hasn't spoken to me. Modern woman, still does what modern ex-boyfriend tells her to.
We didn't stop talking after the birthday. That was just an occasion I remembered to tell y'all how much she liked me. Here's the reason why I stopped talking to her...
It’s a small reason (I think). During that week, she didn’t text me properly and I didn’t know why. When I texted her and told her that I cared about her she told me that I cared too much. This hit me really hard because I thought she liked me just as much as I liked her. She told me that she felt sad for her boyfriend because of us being too close. This confused me so much because we were close friends for almost a year and she was happy being my friend and now she suddenly tells me that she feels sad for her boyfriend because of me. I wanted her to have let me known earlier that I was being too close to her and that she did not like it. Then I would have been just a normal friend to her. But it had almost been a year and she had made me like her too much already. I don’t know if this was a mistake I made. The next day in college she was a very different person. She spoke to me only if I asked her something and she would talk to others leaving me alone (which she had never done before). She even ignored me when I tried to talk to her a few times. It felt really rude of her to behave like this with me. I was angry and upset. But I didn’t say anything because I thought this is what she wanted now. The day after that, one of our friends got angry on her for some reason and hit the wall or something (wanting to hit her) out of his anger and she was standing right next to where he hit. She got angry and screamed at him and walked off. I think she expected me to comfort her but that day I didn’t because I was still angry about her behavior the previous day. This created a bigger gap between us but I felt she did not deserve to be comforted by me anymore. So I just left it at that.
From that day on, we never talked to each other.