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I messed up

Posted by
CARHOADES18
on Sep 15 2015 at 06:35
Member since: 15 September 2015
Long Distance Relationship advice I said something really dumb that could cost me my relationship. I have been with this girl for a little more than a year, and I give her my all, but she is off at college now and it makes my stress levels very high, especially when she talks about other guys. It’s not that I don’t trust her, just that I got jealous. Either way one night she was texting her mother about her new friend, happens to be a guy. She had talked about how nice he is and how he makes her feel smart because she can help him with his work. Of corse I got jealous. She accidentally sent me one of the texts intended for her mother and I freaked out. I told her I didn’t believe that she was texting her mother, and that I was so jealous. She called me and asked how long I have been thinking about this. I told he since she moved. And was so irritated with me and now she doesn’t know if she wants to stay with me or if she ways to break up. I’ve apologized many time and even talked to her. She just doesn’t know if she can trust me or not. What do I do, because if it wasn’t for this, we would be smooth sailing.
I messed up
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 15 2015 at 16:22
Member since: 19 August 2014
Yeah? *I've* said really dumb things. But they've never cost me my relationship. In fact, Mr S takes first prize when it comes to having made dumb utterings. Didn't cost him the relationship, either. No doubt because the REST of the time, things were (how did you put it?) - smooth sailing (etc.).

Also, we were long-distance in the beginning, meaning neither of us had any control over whomever without scruples might come sniffing around, trying to make trouble or prove themselves extra irresistible by bagging a 'taken one'. Granted, although we didn't trust other people, we did have enough trust in one another to outweigh the former. And that's what it boils down to. So although you SAY you trust her, no you don't and neither would I in a way... for the simple reason called, HOW DO YOU *KNOW* ALL OF THESE GOINGS-ON? Answer: SHE TELLS YOU. Note, there is more than one way to 'tell you'...as you've just witnessed.

'Accident' my arse. (...unless your name is Mumford as would put you right next to 'mum'? ;-D) Clearly not. Because you said yourself it didn't sound like a text one would write for ones mother. Course not. Because it was written with YOU as the reader in mind.

It's like this: if you're there worrying and whittling about her then you are not in the mood to pay any attention to other women and nor are you receptive to the advances of any pushy types (because your face looks constantly like a wet weekend). In other words, no you don't trust her ENOUGH because she doesn't trust YOU enough NOR other people. And via her chosen communication channel (actions), her attitude and thinking are infecting you whereby suddenly YOU feel unsafe and can't properly quite work out why. You then act jealous which is how she gets her reassurance that you're still that into her.

HOWEVER, by having confronted her 'above-table' as well as over and above the level SHE was expecting/hoping for, you're basically blocking her (via too much hassle as well as no doubt having mentioned about how the text didn't sound mum-bound) against using this favourite reassurance-seeking trick of hers. She'd been hoping to just make you wonder and henceforth keep your mind firmly on her but without saying anything. In other words, her method was meant to be a solution (for her), not something that created even more problems. It's having had her little game humiliatingly scuppered that she's irritated with. But by saying it's because she isn't sure whether she wants to stay or part, that renders you very leery of ever again daring to confront her next time she WHOOPS! mis-sends, doesn't it (or so she hopes).

She's being a manipulative little wotsit. Reason: over-insecurity. Insecurity added to an active imagination can run riot and put a real spanner in the works if you're not careful, the pair of you. So you two need a proper, lengthy, heart-to-heart, no-holds-barred phone conversation (or even better, a visit that includes 'conjugals') to re-fill your tanks with mutual reassurance and faith enough to last the next stretch of separation.

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