First time talking about my feelings
I'm not good at talking to people about what's bothering me, and because of that this will be the only time I've let any of this out so bare with me it could be a long one.
I think that I've always been socially inadequate. My mind always wanders to far out places. Even as a small child my idea of fun was always through my imagination. I would save a damsel in destress the one day, and rib a bank only to successfully evade the police the next. I also asked a lot of questions. When all the other kids were talking on the days events I was wondering why the shadows of a moving cieling fan was always slower than the fan, or why my bed time was at 9 instead of 8 or 10. I was made fun of a lot because of my sensitivity. I let every emotion I had go, and I was very emotional then. When I was 8 I decided to "grow up" a bit and forgot about all the emotional stuff. I just kept it to myself which gave me more reason to just stick inside my own head. Around people I would just put on a big ol' fake smile and I'd laugh at any joke. People flocked to me because they figured I was a pretty positive dude. I also started to analyze things more to come up with my own conclusions so i even started to not ask questions. This went on for a while until I came out of my shell in highschool only to go right back into it when I was 18 after a gruesome breakup.
I tried to do the traveling thung for a few years. Every six months I would get very depressed, so I would just quit whatever job I had, say bye to new friends, pick up my trusty backpack and just take off to some new random place for a few months.I guess I thought that I'd find myself or aomething. I had a great time, met some very interesting people, but I never did "find myself."
Now I've been back at my home state working and living in a house whith an old childhood buddy for 8 months now. I'm trying to go against any urge to travel for a while. I need to get some things in my life in order which is a topic for another time. I'm depressed again. Of course my best friend of 13 years couldn't possibly know. He thinks I'm still just a quiet, zen, and positive dude. Truth is I'm lonely. I haven't been with a woman since the breakup 7 years ago. I'm not an ugly dude. I've had my chances I suppose. I'm just worse than I've ever been at talking to people. I feel like I'm lost in some dark place within myself and what sucks is it seems way more comfortable than anything else. I don't even know hiw to talk to a girl anymore let alone flirt. I'm no good at showing emotion. Hell, my mom told me she loved me the other day and that was very awkward. My family is not very affectionate, and are terrible communicators. Blah, I don't know what kind of advice I'm even asking.
I'm envious that you had the courage to pack up and go. I'm the opposite. Too afraid to make any changes. If you're 25, based on the age of the break up and years since, you have a lot of life left to live! and plenty of time to find someone. You say you are lonely but also that you are comfortable with yourself. I don't like the "dark place" comment but being alone is different than being lonely. If you can get to a place where you ARE truly comfortable with yourself, you will meet someone else that will be comfortable (or more) with you.
You also say you met people when you traveled so you must not be socially awkward. Take walks, strike up a conversation with someone in the grocery store. Or don't! Make yourself happy and others will want to share in your happiness.
This "advise" seems very inadequate but I hope it has helped, if even a little.
Thanks for the words. I don't think your advice was inadequate. I think simpler is always better. I am 25, about to be 26, and am terrified of 30. I had realized that what I've been longing for years for an understanding no nonsense woman. Which from experience seem to be the best kind of listeners. With that girl from years ago she was the only one that I've ever openly talked about myself with. When it was over I never talked about me again. I just keep it inside generally. Which is something I've accepted as the gift and a curse kind of scenario. I like to make people happy and it just so happens to cause unhappiness when I'm unhappy. It's extremely difficult mentally and it seems quite often physically for me to share those kind of emotions. Those emotions just so happens to be what women seem to want to see. I don't know. I also feel like I've been living a lie like I don't belong here. Living like a regular person renting a house and working a 9 to 5 searching for love. I'm suppose to be on grand adventure. I just feel so lonley when I sit still. I'm only in my head which is my sanctuary but people has always needed people for their survival.
"I tried to do the traveling thung for a few years. Every six months I would get very depressed, so I would just quit whatever job I had, say bye to new friends, pick up my trusty backpack and just take off to some new random place for a few months.I guess I thought that I'd find myself or aomething. I had a great time, met some very interesting people, but I never did "find myself.""
Course not. You weren't seeking anything, you were avoiding something. In a nutshell - letting friendships continue and develop beyond a certain point at which they'd inevitably get to see your underneathies and "you'd get rejected". "AGAIN!". The 'depression' was negative anticipation and premature negative reaction.
If you're not a run-of-the-mill personality then you naturally have a smaller 'target market' group to pick friends and lovers from. However, the compensatory up side of a small pool is that its quality is higher. So what you need to do, since the worsening tendency for low mood doesn't allow for taking the usual time to analyse yourself in every situation possible, is simply concentrate on identifying what things you love to *do*. The so-called weirdest interest(s) you have. And then join clubs to suit. There you will find your Likes.
People persons love travelling. Despite you can converse and interact at arms' length, you're not a people person, you're a thing and facts person. In fact, I'd put money on the fact you've got a touch of Asperger's. Touch-of is a real bonus, by the way (go google).
"and living in a house whith an old childhood buddy for 8 months now. I'm trying to go against any urge to travel for a while."
Eight months. Six months. Eight months... The point is, UNDER A YEAR. Especially since you're not the same person you were in your childhood, meaning, it's about time he starts to reject you, isn't it?
Or maybe it isn't? Maybe he's the type who bonds over morals, not shared circumstances? If that's the case then I doubt ANY newer extras and add-ons could put him off because morals are the one, unchanging constant. Sure, they flex a bit. But not a lot. Why - is he giving you any cause to think he's liking you less these days? And, whilst I'm at it - do you REALLY think he's so stupid that he hasn't worked out from subtler behavioural signs that you're a more complicated cog than the average?
"I feel like I'm lost in some dark place within myself and what sucks is it seems way more comfortable than anything else."
That's because the 'anything else' you've experienced wasn't sufficiently 'all that', due to being the wrong or not-quite-right thing. Not much of a competition, then? Inertia 1 : Putting yourself out there 0.
As for '30'. That's marriageable age, isn't it, the time when you have to prove you know who you are hence with whom you should permanently pair up by choosing a 'mega-friend' (albeit with romance and sex in the mix).
You probably need a sciency, independent- and left-brained woman who notes actions over words, wordy gestures and conversation (at that more intimate, more 'threatening' and pressuring proximity, I mean). But in the meantime, you need to pre-limber up for her by allowing this childhood friendship to develop with all the up-to-date facets of yourself in with the old ones.
"My family is not very affectionate, and are terrible communicators."
"my mom told me she loved me the other day"
Yeah, I see what you mean. (LOL)
Well soulmate there it is in a nut shell. I'm glad to see that you can read between the lines so well. Sometimes it's hardfor me to see the problem of me through my own pperspective even when I know what the problem is. I wish I can be like most people sometimes. I sometimes think how easier my life would be if only I could stand to simply have small talk with people. Unfortunately I don't like the idea of it. I do enjoy a good conversation and I love a debate. I can be incredible at arguments.
You are right though about me puting myself out there and not getting anything in return for it. I get interupted a lot and sometimes it feels like I'm ignored when I speak. My close friends know me or at least know what I've been willing to share. They know I always speak before I act and I choose my words wisely so they stop and listen intently. I also grew up with them in a small town so it makes sense that even I could make close friends like that. I also have no real trouble in meeting some pretty cool people. Characters seem to flock to me. It's because I'm always smiling that's what I'm told. When traveling people just come up to me all the time and they will just spill there lifes story to me. I'm a great listener and a pretty easy person to talk to. That's generally how I meet people it's never the other way around. Going up to someone and striking up a conversation is alien to me. Also I hate small talk and that's what's suppose to strike a conversation.
As far as women go I'm very picky. It's not about looks for me I'm a decently open minded person when it comes to that. It's all about personality. Unfortunately most women I've met that were single seemed stupid probably because of all that t.v. they've been stuck on. The smart ones. Well the smart, kind hearted, and open minded ones they are all taken. Obviously not all, but all that I've met. Not that it would matter because starting a simple conversation for me is an epic fail. I know I'm still young. I'll find a woman who will put up with my ass sure. I just wish I wouldn't push people away and stay bottled up all the time. I can't really explain it but it's much more difficult than you may think forme to stop doing that. IIt's like theres this stone wall that I can't get past. When I'm silent my mind completely takes over. It's as if my mind becomes so busy that it doesn't have the time nor energy to speak let alone think of something, anything, to say.
As for my friend whom I'm staying with. He's a loyal friend. We've been friends through thick and thin. He's tried to talk to me about my feelings before and it didn't go far. He doesn't try anymore I'm sure because he doesn't want to risk me getting upset about it. He's smart and is a good people reader, so I'm sure he understands and can read between my lines.
Yeah, a year is a long time for me. Think of it like this the year of 2014 I moved to New Orleans, back to Michigan, to Georgia, to florida, back to New Orleans, then to Northern California, then back to Michigan. That was an entire year. Which felt like a lifetime. Each one of those places I stayed at least a couple months.
Thanks though. It's been nice talking about myself and actually seeing feedback.
Also you're right about my fear of 30. Sometimes I feel like it's crunch time and I only have 5 years left before it really counts. I shudder at the thought of it. It truly scares me I don't know why. I'm not an easily scared fellow, but damn does that scare me.
People being able to see their own deepest issues with any instant clarity is like being able to inspect the back of their own heads without aid of a mirror. (Yours could do with just a quick combing, I think.) Plus, a problem shared is a problem halved because then that's two minds networking-up, becoming a 'system' with greater processing power.
"I wish I can be like most people sometimes."
Don't. "Vive la difference!". Life rule: There's no such thing as better, only different state/situation with a different yet roughly same number of pros and cons. Which means there's no getting away from problems or challenges both environmental and personal, for anyone. Course not - life's a test, with problems the exam questions, hence why the saying 'I studied at the university of life'.
*All* higher-functioning Aspies or "touch-ofs" (I call them Cuspies) "dunlike" small talk, it's one of the main characteristics. So that's one of their particular exam challenges, then, isn't it. For the sake of their social survival (and that of any future kids) they either learn how (and perhaps give it their own special spin to spice it up a bit) or seek out only birds of their same feather so that no-body in their little society is Aspie/Cuspie and nobody ever has to small-talk. In fact, quite a lot of Neurotypicals don't particularly enjoy small talk, either, but the part they DO enjoy is how it mutually broadcasts that one is in a friendly, approachable mood as well as getting to gear up for the meatier conversation to come (in a One, Two, Three, JUMP! fashion due to the fact that NTs *do* have social fear). But just because those who lack social fear and don't like it are in the minority, that doesn't necessarily mean any conversation with an NT *has* to feature it, does it? Says who? In any one-to-one situation, there IS no majority or minority! So practice on one-on-one social situations.
As long as you're never coming across *deliberately* rude or discourteous but can laugh at yourself and instantly take the pee out of any faux pas, the quicker you can relax and dare to be yourself, the quicker the 'light above your head' will show a pure strain of whichever is your colour, meaning, the faster those with that same hue can identify and seek you out (whilst those who differ too wildly thus could make you unhappy, and vice versa, steer clear). Plus, more importantly, the quicker and more thoroughly you can familiarise yourself with who you are in isolation of and in relation to the world and its occupants (to suit the TWO universes - environmental and the one in your head). And there is nothing more alluring in a person than s/he who likes or accepts and is comfortable with themselves (that one is a Grade A magnet of ALL people types). And obviously, a product of that is always grinning and laughing a lot or at least having that Mona Lisa smile. Another way to strengthen your magnet/be at your most attractive is to try to always hang out at the types of places you adore being in and/or doing things you love to do (hence my advice about specialist clubs).
Can you be solitary for any significant period of time and still have fun? If not - start practising because, if you can do that then you're laughing: not *needing* company because you feel you always have it incorporated into yourself is another 'moth to a flame' draw.
Aspies are also fantastic mimics, and you at least sound like you've got the smiling bit down pat. Plus smiling at people IS 'starting a conversation' (think about it, bearing in mind that verbal communication is but a drop in a vast communication ocean). However, you pleasing them is not the same as them pleasing you, is it. As you've found out.
"the smart, kind hearted, and open minded ones they are all taken"
Not according to the amount of female visitors we get who sound just like you, having come with the same 'gripe', they aren't! And anyway, define 'taken'. In today's society, very few people can keep a relationship going long-term, meaning, it's like Musical Chairs and you just have to be in the right place at the right time with the right ripeness and receptivity and BAM! - you meet someone who's just newly vacated their seat. Repeat: right ripeness. So you just haven't crossed paths with your female counterpart YET. And you won't with that 'they're all taken' attitude because it dims your light/vibe. So I think you're being compelled to push people away because a part of your psyche KNOWS you still have homework to do before you can pass that one exam and then get that particular, associative perk. If you're special, you need special, but special IS naturally fussy so you need to perfect that special-ness - which amounts to a greater homework workload than the average.
Some people don't meet their opposite gender counterpart until well into middle age. Some, until they're in the 50s. Those ones do tend to be either the less self-aware types or those whose homework load took an especially long time to get through. So there's no urgency, Nature/Fate tends to see to it that you get what you need WHEN you really need it, rather than what you (THINK you) want and when.
It 'truly scares you' because you'd rather get the executive perk without having to do that very intimidating executive work as 'unlocks' it (wouldn't we all!). Imagine you were a woman wanting kids, though - THEN you'd know what deadline meant! So you're lucky in that regard, aren't you and basically have until your John Thomas stops standing to attention/your little fellas start swimming in circles, or you find a cup of cocoa and a good book more alluring. So you've got literally decades and can relax on that score.
Part of being who you are is to make that internal narrative of yours audible, become a Speak My Thoughts machine. Again, those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter (- Dr Seuss). He who dares, wins (- Del Boy, "Only Fools & Horses" (smirk)). I have a NUMBER of tactless, foot-in-mouth friends, who make no apology for it, but because their good qualities outweigh or outnumber such bad ones as that, the 'rough' is worth putting up with and using as mutual comedy fodder.
Anyway, who SAID you have to be a talker? Listeners aka the strong, silent types are just as popular because those who like to be entertained flock to the talkers whereas those who like TO entertain flock to the listeners. There's 'someone(s)' for everyone.
You really do just sound like you're hanging out in the wrong places, meeting the wrong types for you or not standing still for long enough to really get to know them and they you. Therefore, of course you're not going to remain in relationships for long enough to get beyond those initial surface barriers of 'having to' be talkative, etc. So you've tied yourself up in a Catch 22, then, haven't you: can't bond enough with people because of not sticking around for long enough to dare to show true colours = no positive reinforcement for you *and* others in terms of letting people see and get used to your underneathies = no seeming incentive to try = reason to primarily 'have private conversations with yourself' + to keep moving around a lot [and repeat]. What was that you said about intelligence?
If self-feedback helps with greater self-knowledge and -intimacy then it would be an excellent idea to TYPE your thoughts. You can do it here (like Moody_One has done - "My Wife Needs Counselling") or in Word or a hand-written diary.
Well, I did say "sometimes." Most times I love that I'm different. It's a gift and sometimes a curse I feel. I just don't like the side effect of loneliness it sometimes comes with. I like that I see things from at least a slightly different perspective than a lot of people. It allows me to learn differently than the norm which I believe is important enough to take me far someday.
Also, part of the reason why I came back to my homestate and am attempting to stay put is because of a catch 22, although it's seperate from the issue you had mentioned. It's hard for me to get a good job because I don't have long term experience anywhere else. I do admit that I have not thought of it like that before. I was an outgoing person once. From like the age of 15 to 18. I started to open my mouth and turns out I'm hilarious. I became a class clown. Iwas great at quick one liners. I used to even write a funny novel and read a chapter everyday in front of my english class. I realize that those were the years I was with that girl. I had made the comment in my post about a bad breakup when I was 18. It was certainly all my fault. She wanted to get serious and I figured I was way too young for all that jazz and I was also a bit of a d**k about it. Now, it's not like I still, after all these years, have some kind of deap love for this girl still, though I still to this day have dreams about her every once in a long while. I think I was good then because I had somebody to not only listen to what I had to say, but she was willing to patiently drill it out of my head and didn't take s**t. I know what I must do. It's doing it that's the problem, but it's a problem, I guess, that I must work on.
You are right about everything. Thank you for your insight.
Yes, but my point was, *never* wish you were 'average'. The machine is a vast and complex one, requiring myriad cogs of varying nature. Were all cogs the same, the machine would grind to a halt. You just need to find where in it you work best. And, yes, I agree with that end opening sentance about going far.
What I don't agree with is that the demise of that past relationship was all your fault - gobsmackingly impressive though that rare (but typically Aspie-like) honesty and sense of responsibility is - for the simple reason that by the laws of relationship dynamics it takes TWO to tango, meaning, although you can take the initiative in choosing the style and pace of music, pressing PLAY and saying "are ya danncin'?" - nobody forced her to reply "Are ya asskin'?" or to thereafter at any point fail to say, 'Look here, you, I'm not having this, you treading on my toes all the time!'.
What I also do agree with, which clearly I'm not alone in, is that you're an excellent writer. Is that the part of the machine you're destined to rotate in, perhaps, and being hintingly called towards?...by which I mean, is WHY, underneath all the human rationalisation attempts you've had no success in trying to secure yourself an Average Joe job in the more commercial world? Food for thought?
As for her, if you weren't ripe at the time then that's proof you and she were just practise partners, an experience that was meant to stand you in excellent stead for the inevitable time when you and your Yang cross paths. You and she will then positively raise a glass to the memory of your 'biggest' ex (and hers) and the fact neither relationship worked out but at least in the process taught you (and she) how not to be 'dicks'.
It's all good. So is the fact that, if you know what your problem is then you don't HAVE a problem. Just a "To Do" item... which is far, FAR easier to tackle if you break it down into its smallest, step elements and aim to tick off one per day at least.
You're bloody welcome because, once a bit of a dick or not, you're so patently a diamond that just needs to re-orientate as well as undergo a buffing-up.
I was thinking today and realized that my whole social life I've attracted talkers like you've mentioned before. Well, I've always loved to listen. I also remember a few years back I met this dude. He was real wise in his own way. I've learned a lot from this guy and I would assume that he's learned a lot from me. He was a real quiet guy. Very shy. When I was hanging out with him I had to convince him that I was normally quiet. I talked all the time. Conversation would just spring up. I knew this before, but there's this gap between my younger self and the present. There was this point at the age of 18 that I fell into this "dark place" that I call it. I was extremely creative. My english teacher called me the smartest kid she had ever taught because I could write a pretty damn decent first draft of a poem right off the top of my head. I was so witty at one point that I could make a person (kid or adult) laugh their ass off with every line that I spoke. At 18 I seemed to have lost it. I remember spending 3 months by my self at home. I didn't hang out with friends or anything. I really got to know myself, then I practically fell in love with my way of thinking. I became quieter, but I suppose I just realized that people liked to talk so I'd just letthem. I feel like I've lost my creativity as well as my abilty to interact. Though I do see, at least now, that this is no real problem. It can be fixed with time and different surroundings I would guess.
You know what the whole problem could be simplified to? I'm crazy about time. When I'm not working, time doesn't exist for me. I live a happy existence. When I work my life becomes time. When I need to wake up, when I need to go to sleep in order to wake up at that time, how much time i have to get ready for work, time, time, time. Then all I end up thinking about is time not directly but indirectly. Then I think of things like the whole fear of 30. I'm not saying I'm going to quit my job in order to be without time or anything. I'm just making an observation about myself. A job, and this place where I'm at, I believe is what I need at the moment with or without any depression or anything negative that may or may not happen. I generally try to stick to my gut instincts, and I like to learn from a bad experience over a good one.
Thank you. You've been a big help in opening my eyes a bit further. I always say to people thrat the best way to solve a problem is to take a step back and observe. Should have done the same.gradeasmarts
So, then, you like a routine, structured day-to-day life but wherein you can get sucked into being creative whereby you don't have time to overthink your personal 'problems'? And you can write clever, witty poetry? (Same here, by the way - "heyyyy!") Have you never thought of the bleedin' obvious job of advertising agency copywriter? These either come to the job as a pair (visualiser + writer (or artist + poet) or are paired up by the creative director or work as one lateral-minded individual who can do both sides (higher salary). How does that sound - something worth looking into?
I don't know about that. That's another problem I seem to have. I'm not really into routine. I think it's a nice change of pace and is working decently for me at the moment I suppose. The idea of a career goes back to my fear of commitment. My fear of commitment could be simplified tomy dislike for long term routine. I litterally can't picture myself having a career. I know I need to do something though. The only career I've ever wanted to be involved in isnot much of a career at all. II've always wanted to run a non-profit organization. Although that's me living in dream land. I would need start up money and somebody whose good at talking to people by my side.I love the travel life but miss out on the benefits of routine. I'm going to find something though. I can't be lazy about it either or I'll end up bumming around the rest of my life. Maybe I'll look into the entertaimnment industry, and might possibly start a blog whenever I get myself a laptop.
Oh, I see - you DON'T want your time to be structured by someone or thing outside of yourself but just want to be busier so that you have less time to over-think anything that's worrying you about the future-unseen?
Leaving aside the charity part - yes, starting a blog sounds perfect (as a way to test the water) because from what I can see, you've just described the lifestyle of a writer.
What are you going to blog about?
The blog will be about my travels. I'd like to try travel writing.
What, it took you 3 months to come up with that answer?
You'll have to write a bit faster than *that* if you want to make a career out of it, LOL. But, yep, travel writing - what a bleedin' obvious non-obvious!
What will your USP (unique selling point) be? Is there a gap in the market in terms of new and different slant?