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I had enough!

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Relationship advice My husband and I been married for almost 29th years, we always fighting most of the time. He works with the government and travel 80% for the whole. When we have problem he always accusing me to start the fight. I don't want to fight, if there's no problem. I got frustrated dealing with him because we cannot solve the problem, we end up shouting each other in front of the kids. I had enough with these. I cannot take it anymore that I'm thinking just to go in separate ways.

I had enough!

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I don't really know what the situation is, but for you two idiots to argue in front of the kids for five seconds is the ultimate form of stupidity and inconsideration.

You should tell him that there will be no more arguing in front of the kids. There will be no more arguing in the next room. There will be no more arguing with the kids in the house.

There will be no more arguing because from now on he is to write down any complaints and you will take them up as you please.

My wife and I never got along (after she got caught having an affair). We (almost)never argued. She would come into the room and start arguing. I didn't argue back, because I knew she was an idiot and because I wasn't going to get down on her level.

I didn't argue back, so there was no argument. It would be five minutes of her belittling me, and me making a ham and cheese sandwich. And then she would leave the room. But there was no arguing.

There was her acting like an idiot. If he keeps trying to argue in front of the children, tell him about the talk that there would be no more arguing in front of the kids. If he continues to argue, go into your room and let him know he is not go come in there.

If you share a bedroom, find a room to go into where he is not. If he follows, tell him about the rules he is not to follow you starting an argument. If he will not agree to this, go into the bathroom and lock it. If he argues through the door, there he is 1. arguing and 2. arguing in front of the children, something which was not supposed to occur anymore.

I don't know what your Plan B is, if you walk away and he follows you to the next room. You'll have to come up with your own Plan B. But don't argue, and don't allow him to argue in front of the kids, or with just you by yourself.

Leaving is not real easy, it's expensive, and real good for the kids. So, in a way, he's got you. Congratulate him. He's using the kids to keep coming after you. Tell him if you walk away and he follows you, he has transgressed a 3rd time.

Tell him this is very serious. If he won't stop, consider leaving and have him pay child support. If you can't think of another plan, he's flat got you.

I had enough!

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You say,

"When we have problem he always accusing me to start the fight."

What is he always accusing you of? I'll assume he's always accusing you of having an affair.

Have you had an affair? Did you get caught? I know of two marriages where that resulted in constant arguing. Mine and someone else's. That's way different than arguing over expenses, for instance. That's a huge problem that needs to be "discussed."

But not in front of the children.

I had enough!

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Sounds like your husband lacks conflict resolution skills so resorts to passive aggression - i.e. he starts a problem under the table, you pull it up from under and point it out, he doesn't like that (because it demands the very emotional intelligence and ability to discuss under-fire that he's so incapable of) so he pushes the problem onto solely you whilst frustratingly refusing to cooperate..."YOUR fault, you're starting again, meh-meh-meh!".

'I am not starting, I am observing. Plus a team problem is a problem shared by said two team members. Stop being a thick d*ck by ignoring and refusing to prune small buds whereby they grow into ruddy great thorn bushes that then demand even HARDER work or you can cook your own bloody suppers from now on!' (last sentance optional ;-)).

If he starts to shout, you show him he's not going to just forevermore escape the vitally-needed discussion nor put you off wanting to ever again try by making the discussion uncomfortable for you (as well as himself) and your motherly protective instinct then what you do is IMMEDIATELY walk calmly off whilst saying, 'We'll try again in 30 mins to give you a chance to calm down and discuss it like a rational adult'. And then DO return in 30 minutes. And keep on returning. Be dogged. Resulting message: escape is not an option so you may as well just do what you have to do in picking up your secateurs.

Alternatively, book a referee and inhibitor (counsellor). He tries raising his voice to you in front of him/her and he'll soon regret it or feel "this" small because s/he'll likely abruptly stop the discussion with something horrified-sounding, like, 'Oh my god, is this how you ALWAYS speak to your wife?!'. Better yet, book a man so that he feels he has to be on best, male-to-male impressive behaviour.

I know you've left it so long that you're now ready to throw the entire towel in but I would try these things first so that if you DO go with blowing you'll at least have no long-lasting guilty conscience for not having done all that was in your power, replete with this eternal mantra: "What if...?". That one's a killer.

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