together 15yrs. husband had an online affair 3 yrs ago and even though i tried to forgive, i can't forget. i can't get over it and now we are in the process of divorce. i love him and it kills me to leave him but i can't keep going through life being angry with him over this all the time.help
Online affair: Meaning, they wrote to each other on line, but never got together for a physical affair?
Well, you have a plus one (if no physical affair) and a minus one (did have an online affair, but with no physical contact).
It's according to how you look at it, I guess. Is the glass half full or is it half empty?
My wife quit a job when a person she was int. in quit, which alerted me to a problem. Instead of being conciliatory, she was aggressive to try to get me to leave so she could live her life without me questioning her all the time.
She could have left me, except we had a house and a young child, which neither one of us wanted to leave. So, we were stuck like two dogs in a pit. We couldn't get away from each other and we hated each other.
Turned out she had over 2,000 out of the marriage episodes with a number of guys. She had been sexually abused as a child, and that's all she lived for.
Is your husband sorry he got caught having an online affair? Is he willing to work on this? Are you willing to work on this? Thing is, next guy you marry may have a real, physical girlfriend. You know, they don't usually get better, they get worse.
Or, the next guy may be an alcoholic. Do you absolutely, not want to be in the same room with this guy? If my wife was having an online affair, I'm sure it would bug me, but I'm not sure I would leave. I have a dependent personality, and perhaps separation anxiety, perhaps from my being sexually abused as a child. I'll put up with a lot, but I don't want them to leave me.
Here below is a column on being positive when trying to solve a problem. It helped me a lot, and maybe it will help you.
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is your uncon. neg. So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg.
When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
"We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”