I want out of my marriage
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married 2. We haven't gotten along in years and got married out of a few moments of happiness. We have 3 kids together. He trys to be as controlling as possible. He constantly checks up on me, goes through my phone, tracks me through my phone, and thinks I am cheating on him. In the very beginning of our relationship I cheated on him and over the years I have lied to him because I was always scared of his reactions. I am in the military and he HATES it. He has forced me to go AWOL many times and I've had to sneak behind his back because I've been scared of getting kicked out of the Army. I recently told him I wanted to separate and he told me he isn't doing it. He doesn't want to separate and TELLS ME that I'm not going anywhere. He has also told me if he finds out I'm cheating on him that he will kill me. I'm not cheating on him or even lying or doing anything behind his back. I've tried bringing up marriage counseling and he won't do it. I'm scared to leave because of his threats and the kids. My family lives out of state and my kids legally leave with their father. I'm worried about taking them out of the state and getting in trouble. He has hit me before and apologized after but still blames me for EVERYTHING. I'm scared to call the cops because he would lose his job. I don't want anyone to suffer and I still feel guilty for me cheating and lying to him and he always puts it in my face and uses it as an excuse for his anger or jealousy. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I NEED advice.
Next time you get a chance alone at home, look up the number for your closest women's shelter. Even if you don't want to leave, they will help you develop a safety plan just incase you feel as though there is no way out. Remember to be honest and try to sneak this one. Not to be dishonest to your husband, but to protect yourself and your children. From what it sounds like, he is a complete control freak. My biggest fear for you is that he will find out you are trying to get out and will take out his anger on you and the kids, physically, verbally, or mentally. Be safe and I hope you do what's best for you and your children
Little confused about this statement:
"my kids legally leave with their father. "
Can you explain?
Have you talked to your military chaplain?
Please be carefull he is dangerous and be a little paranoic: Check for your own safety only emails in the Internetcafe. That he wont see that you are writing here. And make a call to some urgency like house for violated woman only from some an internet cafe which is far away.
So he Cannot control you.
They must give you advices how to get with children safe to the safe place and take care that you only call police when he is not near and dont call from your mobilephone. If he asks you were you were you just say shopping or something. Take care!
Hi and when you should youse your mobile phone just delete the numbers you called. Or one number he may not see. Just check before if its possible to delete it.
Hi- Your situation is very serious, so you must plan every step. First get some legal advice, be sure to explain your fear of him towards you and the children. Is the separation leading to divorce? You must document everything that has happen in your marriage, but NOT AT HOME!
Stop allowing him to jeopardize your job you will need to have a stable source of income.
Do check with woman's center what services they provide.
What do you mean "He has legal custody"Get legal advice regarding taking your children out of state.
Remember when a man hits you the first time and promises it won't happen again, he'll be saying the same thing the next time he hits you. Taking back control of your life will be hard, you will need to stand your ground and take no more abuse, if he gets physical, just call the police no prewarning just do it. Your life is more important than his job..
Suggest counseling if that's a no, check it off the list... Just plan, plan!!
You deserve to life your best life. 'Remember there is a lot of help for woman in your position.. get informed...Once you have really separated- NEVER met with him alone again.. so many woman fall for the " Oh can we have lunch just to talk" Even exchanging the children for visitation do it in a very public place.
Take him serious about everytign he has said.. Good Luck
Difficult situation, but it can be done.
I'm in a difficult situation with q control freak, but I'm not married to him, thank goodness. I live in the same neighborhood. He has picked up on a false rumor about me, and instead of a 30 second conversation to repair things, he choses a so-far a 4-year war.
Also, he can't converse anyway, so he can't talk it out, he has to win by actions, such as, a week ago he busted out the front windshield in my car as it sat in my driveway at night.
Oh, panic, right? Yeah, it would have been like that, except some years ago I read a col. on being positive before you try to solve a problem, which I have included below, and it has helped me in this situation and in many, many others.
The first thing the col. on being positive when trying t solve problems is calm...me...down. Knowing I have a problem and I can be positive about trying to solve it...calms...me...down. For I know I have at least a decent chance to solve it. When I had a neg. unconscious which blocked me from solving most problems, I was in total panic over many problems.
I guess so, I didn't have a good chance at solving it, with a neg. uncon., which I didn't know was there.
One way this neighborhood bully relates to you is, what do you think about this man's wife? What is she going through for the past 5 years, as he walks onto my property and breaks my windshield and things like that? "Honey, let me tell you oen thing, if you rat on me, you're done!!!!"
While you are away from your family and support system, she is 3,000 miles away from hers in Europe. Perfect, for the control freak. He makes most of the money, he has an anger personality disorder, is paranoid, and is leaving out his distorted fantasies. So what do I do Nikki?
First, I read the below col. on being positive by Niki Scott, whose first name is spelled almost like yours.
Why do I read the col. first, Nicki? To put myself in a positive frame of mind, prior to even thinking about what the problem is. Read the col. first, Nicki, before you even try to think of some solutions. I did that after I first read the col. Prior to my next problem, I said, first, get the col. down from your bullatin board.
The problem is not the problem. The problem is my neg. uncon. thinking, which I don't even know is tripping me up. Next day, my son comes in and says, "The car won't crank, it's in the back yard."
I thought, "If the car was on a road somewhere, I could call a wrecker. But we have a narrow driveway, and a wrecker can't get in there/" Then I thought, "I'll wait for my wife to get home from her job, and I'll ask her what to do."
Then I thought, "Go get the col. on being positive and read it, like the plan was next time I have a problem."
I read the col., and by the 4th paragraph, Nicki, 4th paragraph, Nicki, I thought of the answer, Nicki, and I wasn't even thinking of the problem. Hello, Nicki!
What was the answer, Nicki? The real answer was being positive in my hidden unconscious before trying to think of any solutions. The answer that I came up with as a result of being positive was, "Jones Wrecking."
Why Jones Wrecking, Nicki? Because a year or so earlier, we had used Jones Wrecking, 4 blocks from where we live, to pull a car out of our backyard. Why Jones Wrecking? Because he has a small, pickup truck, type wrecker, that could get into our small driveway. How hard was thinking of Jones Wrecking Nicki? Not difficult at all. Any 3rd grader could have thought of that. Why couldn't I? Because I had a neg. unconscious, Nicki, which said, "You can't figure out the answer. Wait till your wife gets home.":
Then I read the col., which cleared out the neg. in my uncon., and I figured out the answer. And so can you. If you'll read the col. below before trying to think of the answer.
I'm just saying, the col. helped me, and maybe it will help you.
Other than that, I would like to say, oh, yeah, so what are my plans about this guy who busted my windshield?
First, I wasn't paniced, because I've learned to think positive when a problem happens, and that calms me down from the start, and that allows me to think better in itself, because I know I have a good chance to solve it.
So, what did I do, Nicki? A week earlier, I had been to see a male private investigator about the broken windshield. He basically laughed in my face. Which provided one answer: I didn't get along with this guy.
So, today I thought positive again, and what did I come up with, Nicki? I thought, get a female private investigator. Why go through 10 more male investigators and get the same response?
So on the search engine, I typed in, "Private Investigator" from "My Hometown" and saw on the list that none were females, as might be expected. I'm starting to wonder. I said, type in "Female Investigator" and see what it says. It listed one, good, but she was over 100 miles away. Uh, oh. It had her phone number and e-mail place. I did both, telling her what the problem was.
Guess what she said, Nicki? She wrote back in the e-mail: "We do work your town." Whao!!!! "Call me this weekend at this number." Whoa !!!
A woman is going to come here and save me, Nicki. I just know it. I've already told her in the email what the problem is, and she didn't laugh at me, Nicki. Instead she said, 1. We work your town and 2. call me this weekend. She wouldn't have said that if she didn't think I had a workable situation and if she thought she couldn't help me.
What I'm saying, Nicki, is, I thought positive all the way through this. For me, before I read the col., wasn't going to happen.
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is your uncon. neg. So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”