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What Does My Future Hold

Posted by
PEBYXXX
on Sep 24 2015 at 12:21
Member since: 24 September 2015
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category I have 3 children 2 have gone off to university at the same time which i have come to terms now but the house is so quiet and not the same anymore, the youngest is at college age 18 at home and he doesn't know if he will do another course next year, take a gap year or go to university. Im 44 and feel i want to move on now and move to somewhere new as i feel seeing my two children go off its time to move on but theres the youngest to think of. Im married to a sales man and i have mostly been a housewife and see how much life i have missed out on and my life feels so empty. My husband and i were hoping our youngest son would go to university next year after seeing his brother and sister go and not wanting to live at home anymore but now hes not sure what to do and i feel i want to tell him to go to university so we can move away from here as i hate were we live and i want a fresh start but feel i can't make him as i might ruin his future. I dread that i will have to suffer another year living here and wonder how i will cope. I did mention to our youngest that if he went to university we were going to move and he said, really. He doesn't know how much i hate the place. So what do i do to get through if he doesn't go to university and how do i get a life after all the years i gave to raise the kids?
What does my future hold
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 24 2015 at 17:18
Member since: 27 December 2013
Yours is not an uncommon story - kids gone, dog dead, etc. - turn around and look at the marriage, the house, and yourself and wonder - NOW what?

It's really a WONDERFUL time. Time to re-invent yourself and finally get to do things you have put off for so long. Time to fall in love with your husband again (is that possible?)

You have not MISSED out on life - you gave life. Now the kids have flown the nest. Now there's one left. DO tell him that you and husband are thinking about changes in your lives but DON"T make him feel as though is all depends on HIM and his future. That's too much pressure on him AND you give him too much power. Besides, he the baby and may need more time to figure out what he wants to do. (Job or school)

Even if he does not go off to school, begin to make plans for your future anyway. New haircut, new makeup, new clothes!!

PS - May I ask why it is that you "hate" your present home?

What does my future hold
Reply from
PJVL9
on Sep 24 2015 at 17:51
Member since: 20 July 2015
You wrote,

You said, "the youngest is at college age 18 at home and he doesn't know if he will do another course next year, take a gap year or go to university."

He's "at college" but he's "at home." So there's a college in your hometown that he attends, and lives at home.

But you want him to go "to university" which is out of town, so he can stay there out of town.

You wrote,

"My husband and i were hoping our youngest son would go to university next year after seeing his brother and sister go and not wanting to live at home anymore but now hes not sure what to do and i feel i want to tell him to go to university so we can move away from here as i hate were we live...."

So if you move, he won't be able to stay in your home while he is "at college" in your hometown.

That does throw a monkey wrench into it. I was going to tell you what my parents did. When I left home to go to college 100 miles away, they moved from a town my mother hated to a much nicer town. My point was going to be, I just came home from college to a different town from where I had graduated from high school.

I still came home to my parents' house, it was just in a different, better, town. It was the same thing, just better.

So, I was going to say, "Move to the better town now that he is in college/university." But college is in your town, and university is in a better town. I know what you're saying, it could affect his life if you take away his lodging at your house by your moving to another town. On the other hand it could affect your life if you stay in that bad town another year, which could be more, if he decides to keep going to college in your home town.

Does home town college have dorms, or apts. in the town? Can young afford dorm fees or his living in an apt? If you can, maybe consider moving. If you can't, maybe con. moving and ex. to him, this town is driving you up the wall, whichy you say he doesn't know about.

Maybe talk to him and see what he says. If he doesn't know you hate the town, in a way, the problem is not being fair to him. Can you say to him, "If you can go to university, we can bail?" Maybe he wouldn't mind going to university and living on his own.

What does my future hold
Reply from
PEBYXXX
on Sep 25 2015 at 11:16
Member since: 24 September 2015
SUSIEDQQQ i hate my present home because its mostly industry were we live plus i cant stand the next door neighbours. For what we pay we could be living nearer the coast. Also seeing my two other kids gone and living in a lovely area i want to move away as it would be a new start for me now. We moved here as it was closer for the kids to get to college and PJVL9 i wouldn't move to another town now as the college is in this town and i couldnt let him move out or take lodgings elsewhere just because of me not standing the place, I suppose all i can do is wait and just hope the day will come to get out of here once hes sorted.
What does my future hold
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 25 2015 at 12:41
Member since: 27 December 2013
What does your husband think? You aren't talking much about him, how he's feeling about all this and how things are between you two.

"I suppose all i can do is wait and just hope the day will come to get out of here once hes sorted."

Your son will cope with your decisions. He will adapt to do what he must do. It is really important for you to feel as though you are making plans that take YOU and your husband in consideration. Again I caution you to not make him feel as though he is the holdup for your happiness.

What does my future hold
Reply from
PEBYXXX
on Sep 25 2015 at 17:11
Member since: 24 September 2015
SUSIEDQQQ my husband as said we can't do anything at the moment but at least we can plan to go when our son decides if he is going to university and he wants to move as well but things arent good between us now, we had been getting on fine before this happened which i will tell you about. He had been short of money as he had to pay for the mot on my car so he borrowed £200 from work out of his wages. I had been going on about wanting a night out from the house and ive been feeling fed up. I knew we wouldn't be able to go out until he got paid which would be this monday coming. So I thought I would get myself a bottle of wine to get me through another night of sitting in front of the tv. This was on monday 21st. He said he would ask his boss for another £100 to get a bit of food and to go out and his boss had put in all of his wages but he didn't tell him. My husband didnt mention one word of this to me and was going to say nothing. My husband knew monday afternoon all his wages were paid in, I found out on tuesday after checking his bank account and he said he would of told me but he had already kepted it from me for 24 hours. He said he didn't want to touch it as it would have to last 5 weeks and wished his boss hadn't put it all in. I feel so hurt and angry that he had money and we could of went out monday night because that's when he got all his wages but he kepted it from me like some big secret. He pays for my direct debits but I never ask him for a penny. You think I was spending his money and wasting it but I dont have any control over it he as it all and I know he pays all the bills with it. He thinks hes done no harm but how can I ever trust him now. He said he realise he should of told me but I just cant believe he didn't tell me he had all his money. What was the big secret to not tell me. I was so down as well and all along he could of said hes been paid and we can go out but he let me suffer by not saying anything and being stuck in when I didn't have to be.
What does my future hold
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 26 2015 at 15:56
Member since: 27 December 2013
It sounds like he has had control of the family finances all this time and you are unaware of the bills, obligations, etc. (With 3 kids in college, there must be some $$ pressure on finances.)

Sit down with your husband and insist on a small allowance for you so you can entertain yourself when he is gone. You also need to know more about the household finances. What if something should happen to him? How would you figure out anything?

Is there a reason why you don't have a part time job now that there are no minor children in the home and you don't have any money for yourself?

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?