Unsure of my own thoughts
Hi.this is my first time reaching out like this...This year for some reason has been full of horrible things. My relationship ended unexpectedly, grandmother passed away,mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and just a couple weeks ago my father fatally shot himself. Im usually a strong person but my fathers death is pushing me to my breaking point..i was the last to speak to him and there are alot of things surrounding his death that arent adding up. He didnt leave a note or anything..so all i have to go by is what his wife says and she and i dont get a long. Since this tradgedy i cant think of anything else. I think im on the verge of insanity and depression.Im stuck and i cant move on.
Well, of COURSE you are on the verge - geez, how much can one person take??!!
Please find someone to talk to (besides your father's wife - she has her own grief to handle)
Is there another adult around? Relative, religious leader, counselor?
I wish you the best and I suffer with you.
When so many bad things happen to you, you need someone to talk to.
Whe you want write me I will answer you and be there for you.
Email: [e-mail address removed]
You are going through an unbelievably rough time and you do need to talk to someone, not necessarily an adult but someone really close to you, please find this person you can talk to and I'm sure they'll try their best to help.
This whole community is supporting you right now, stay strong friend, we are just one post or comment away
You've had 4 events in the same year.
That would be a lot for anyone.
As has been mentioned above, counseling should be considered.
You don't mention counseling in your post, like you're unfamiliar with that.
I come from a family with some problems, so counseling is second nature to me. But it's probably like a foreign country to you. So, it's prob. very unfamiliar.
So, it may take some convincing to get you to see a counselor.
You probably need to see a psychiatrist who can prescribe medicine.
I'm a manic-depressive who takes lithium and an anti-depressant so if you are in such a state that, as you say,
"I think im on the verge of insanity and depression.Im stuck and i cant move on."
Two words, you say, "depression" and "verge of insanity," which shows you, yourself, realize you are in need of some help.
Well, here it is: "Go to a psychiatrist and get some help."
The most difficult time to think rationally is when you are having problems. Your mind is going around in circles and you can't figure out what to do. It's best if you already have a psy. or a counselor, who can help you through this.
If you don't have someone who you can talk with, talk with us. We're your friend. We're sitting in the room with you. What is going on now? Please don't just send one post saying, help me, and then never reply.
We want to know what's happening. Are you trying to get help? Aer you functioning.
How to get a psy. Look in the computer yellow pages. Choose if you want a male or a female psychiatrist.
If you want to see just a psychologist or counselor, look in the computer yellow pages, your search engine, type in, "counselor ) or "psychologist" or "psychiatrist") for "your hometown," and see what it says.
I sat and waited till I had worse trouble before I got help, which is why I'm such an expert on the topic.
From that poor performance by me, I learned this:
"Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?"
In other words, don't do like I did, don't just sit there, but rather, "Help Yourself!"
Another thing I've learned, not from victory, but from huge defeats, is:
"One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."
Very simple, but for me with a negative unconscious, very impossible.
My mind would be going in circles so fast, that I couldn't slow it down to say,
"What's the main problem?"
"What am I doing about it?"
With counselor or psychologist, take paper and pen with you to the computer, look up counselor or psy. for your hometown, and write down the name or names and phone numbers of those you might be int. in, men or women, as you choose.
Call one of them, and get an appt. Something I never could do.
If you can't afford one, type in, "Free psychological services" for "your hometown" and write down 2 or 3 of the names or places mentioned. Then call one of them and get an appt.
If you are in an emergency situation, tell them. Try get an appt. as soon as you can. If you wait two weeks, and the appt. is not for two weeks, the appt. won't be for another month. If you call tomorrow, may be in one or two weeks.
A racing mind, does not make time pass faster. You have to slow down to make the appt. now.
Let us know what is going on.
Below are some things which have helped me, one is a column on being positive which helped me a lot.
(can get the tune for this by typing in “melodies” on net search engine)
"You'll Never Walk Alone"
When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark
Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk, you'll never walk alone
some favorite sayings
“And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.”
Your Present Situation is Not Your Final Destination
by Kevin Ngo
-- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.
The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. –Amelia Earhart
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. –Chinese Proverb
-- I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. –Stephen Covey
--You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. –Christopher Columbus
--Ships are safe in the harbor, but that’s not what they’re made for.
-- “We have crossed the Rubicon,” ancient military leader whose army cannot now turn back once it has crossed this river.
--“I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison
-- “If not this, what? If not us, who? If not now, when?”
~ Kennedy, John F. ~
51. If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill.
52. Feelings come and feelings go. There is no need to fear them and no need to crave them. Let them come, and then let them go. No feeling is your permanent reality, no matter how intense it is.
53. No matter what, no matter how, where or who - you can almost always turn around and get a second chance - Anony-mouse.
54. When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us – Alexander Graham Bell.
The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning.
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. "
~ Helen Keller
”Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does."
~ William James
19. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller.
65. I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time – Charlie Brown
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first.
The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.
So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg.
When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
"Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”
So sorry I left anybody hanging or concerened. Thanks to all of you for reaching out..I think I am gonna talk to someone. Just one more question. Like I said before my sister and my relationship with his wife is strained so I don't believe most of what she says..is there a way I can find out if he had a will on my own.
Thank you for replying. I think it's good that you are going to talk to someone. Two heads are better than one, which is why I'm on this board. I had problems but I didn't have anyone to talk to.
One of the "quotes" I've read, said something about "two heads are better than one," put it another way, such as, "The same mind that got into a problem, should not be the one that tries to solve it." In other words, get 2nd opinions.
And today you asked, "Like I said before my sister and my relationship with his wife is strained so I don't believe most of what she says..is there a way I can find out if he had a will on my own."
I think that's an excellent question. I think the will is posted somewhere in the "Vital Records" department, or some such name like "Deeds or Documents" for your city or county. Look on the search engine on your computer for your city or county's "Vital Records" or "Wills and Probate," or something like that.
Find a phone number for your city or county's local government offices, and ask where the wills are posted. Call that number, and ask if you can see the will for "John Smith." See if you can get a copy of the will.
You might want to get a will lawyer. If you can't afford one, look on search engine for "free lawyer" for "Your Hometown." Or, look for "paralegal" for "your hometown" on your search engine. Paralegals are cheaper than lawyers, but they know the law. Pick a male or a female as you choose. Type in "free paralegal" for "your hometown."
You might want to call a local or the nearest law school to see if they have students or professors who might offer free legal advice.
You might want one of these for legal documents can be difficult to read.
I can give you two examples. When a relative of mine passed away, another relative of mine tried to do illegal things with the will, and a lawyer had to be hired to combat that.
2nd, another relative of mine had married a 2nd wife, and his 2nd wife was trying to rig the will in her favor. Another relative realized what was going on, and took steps to rectify that, and won.
The same 2nd wife forged her name of the will so that she got the house that he owned, when really the house should have gone to his two grown children. But she won that one, for no legal steps were taken to stop it.
So you might have to be willing to go to war. Even with all the difficulties you're having, you might have to try to put some of those to the side, and fight this legal battle if the wife is trying to steal things that belong to you and your sister. You have to have the will, and the legal help, which hopefully you can find from the computer.
As the column on being positive said, you need to be positive going into this problem that you can succeed.
You're right to not assume that the will is going to be "all correct," with a wife that may be corrupt.
As with this, consult with your sister on other matters you may be having trouble with.
We're glad you reached out. Let's us know what's going on.
Oh, also, you said in your first post,
"i was the last to speak to him and there are alot of things surrounding his death that arent adding up. He didnt leave a note or anything..so all i have to go by is what his wife says and she and i dont get a long"
I had skipped over that part. So you think there may have be some foul play in your father's suicide? Because, he didn't leave a note. Oh, wow.
You can ask for legal advice, about that, also. You might need a private detective to help you with that. I'm looking for a private detective because I have a neighbor who is harassing me, and recently broke the windshield in my car as it sat in my driveway one night. I even found a female private detective by typing in "female private detective" for "my hometown."
She was located in another town, but when I contacted her she said, "Yeah, we work your hometown."
Oh, as for a free private detective, I just realized, how about the police?
How is the corner going to rule the death? Suicide or homicide? I would act on that quickly. She might want the body cremated so take away the clues of how he died. I would call police right now. Try to get them to stop cremation until it's been investigated.
The angle for the bullet may not have been possible for a suicide. How much insurance did he have. Did hw own his own house, and she supposedly gets it. What does his will say. Does a signature/handwriting expert agree that it was his signature, or is it her signature?
Go down to the police department and ask these questions. You said, "I was the last to speak to him" and there are questions about this issue. Was he depressed when you talked to him? Was he telling you things about his wife? Was he talking to you in a tone of voice that it was going to be the last time he would be talking to his daughter?"
If he was not talking in a tone of voice which indicated "this is the last conversation I'll be having with my daughter," something could be up, in my view, also.
Sometimes police can be very lax, and not take things seriously, so be aware of that. Again, try to get legal help.
Let us know how this is going.