I'm so sick of my mother
Hello, I'm a 21 years old female leaving with my mother and grandmother while I finish my bachelors degree. Lately I gothen sick and tired of my mother constant yelling and bitching at me. She works two jobs while I stay home taking care of the house and nmy sick grandmother who has cancer. I generally sped my weekends in my house as Im introvelsial person and don't really feel like going out much. While me and my mom did not use to fight a lot in the past is getting to the point that I can't take it anymore. She gets mad and starts yelling if (1) I don't do or disagree with her (2) don't clean Avery second or have my room like hers. She constantly birches outloud that I'm sloppy or dirty for the tiniest of dirt spot or paper on the floor do to my puppies. She evens treathen me with leaving and throwing stuff around when she gets mad. Today we had a small confrontation this morning due to me not wanting to go out with her and some family members that arrive from cuba. I told her " no I'm to tired" as I did not sleep at all last night do to my insomnia. She bitches at me to go downtown with her and that I should try to go even if I don't feel well and I know if I go I will be irritated and mad the whole trip. She keeps insisting and tries to use the guilt trip on my but again I tell her no and that she does not need me to go with her to show my other family members a good time. She says ok and mind you she tells me that they are (1) going to eat at chili's and (2) look around of some time and be back not that late. I say ok and that going to chili's is a good idea because I have discount and points that they can use to get free stuff. She ask me what I will like to eat and I tell her the queso Blanco and to call me back for the lunch options. They leave and I prossed to clean the house. While cleaning I get that feeling that I should order some fast food for lunch and leave what my Mon is getting me for diner. I finish cleaning and with until the food arrive and I eat around 12:30 pm then go take a nap and see if I can get some sleep. I wake around 4:30 pm with no messages or calls from my mom which I don't find odd since she almost never follows what I tell her. I get up get some water and clean again since my mom is a clean freak and gets mad for the tiniest of dirt. I finish and go check on my grandmother to see if she had her lunch that i made for her. she replies "yes" and I go check out some stuff on the net. Around 5:00pm I let one of my friends in that wants to see knobnybf grandmother. five minutes later my mom arrived with the diner and I go to check what she has gotten me from chili's. What happen next is not really that surprising as she done it a lot in the past. She went to another restaurant and borough me back a ton of meat which mind you I had eating stake yesterday and I not only wads upset as I (1) don't feel like eating meat since I had eaten it not to soon, (2) I was expecting food from chili's and (3) I can't and she knows this eat to much meat or I get nosebleed. I go talk to her and she tells me if I'm go in to eat which I reply "no" she gets mad and ask why. Which I reply " this is not the food you toll me you were going to get" she start yelling at me and says " well we went to another restaurant and I can't alway have my way and force people to eat at restaurant. Of course I myself get mad but I talk to her calmly "fist it was you go told me that you we're go in to chili's and second if you change r estaourant why in all God's name you brought me one of the foods that I can eat to much of. She gets mad and start yelling in front of my other family member and friend that I should stop acting like I child since she thought I will like it and brought it for me and that if I don't like it I should not eat at all. I say in a calm but mad voice "ok" I don't need to eat and second if you were going to a different restaurant why did you not call me so I will tell you not to waste your money. Mind you some of you may say let it go she did it with the best intention but no she has done this in the past and has always blame me for it. She gets madder and begins to call me names which I reply by stating the facts and when I no that she is a lost cause I walk away. But she does not let it go no she does this all the time she will bitch and yell that I'm a child and lasy or rude and disrespectful to other people. This is what gets me mad the most she involves other people and tries to get them on their side which they do. She is still talking shut about me as we speak and won't let it go until I say I was wrong but you know what " f## no" Im so sick of her attitude" I don't know what to do Iut getting to the point were I don't want to see her or even talk to her. If I had enough money or if my grandmother was not sick I will move out and not tell her my address so I can be at peace for once. F### man I have overheard her that she go in to slap me for my disrespect. Man I'm not an aggressive person but I will not sit by and let anyone hit me. I'm so sick of her attitude that I want to speed my entire time in my room and not come out until I graduates do I can find a job and move. I can be hard headed so I will like your opening on the matter was I wrong to simply say was not going to eat the food or duo I have a reason to be mad.
It sounds like your moms exhausted when she gets home and she feeling resently that either things are not getting down to her expectations or she 's just flat stressed over a mulitude of problem...sick grandma, financial problems, worried about you and wanting you to succeed in life but doesn't know the right now of communication with you so she gets herself so angry she says the wrong things. Sometimes this happens out of frustration and fear that when we die our children cant care for themselves when we pass away...a parents worse fear. Can you sit down with her calmly and discuss what your plans are for for degree and what it takes to get there...how many hours per day to you need to study...write up a study calendar for your mom so she can see that your not just wasting time. Right out a chore chart on a white board and take the inititive to look around the house to see what takes priority, dishes, mopping, laundry, dusting, giving grandma a bath. I tell you the relationshsip will improve if you do these things. Your moms at the end of her rope very tired and means well just as you do but I bet you anything you will see improvement if you try these things as well as talk about your feelings, how it urts when she calls you names and what can you do to ease her load so you don't have to escalate into fights every time, Good luck and get that degree out.
DoubleTrouble, she sees it that she's got many more important things to think about than what to her these over-harried days is just 'fuel', something you shove down your throat without a care for how it tastes or panders to preference.
I agree, a *clear-headed* individual would have thought to phone to check whether a different meal would be okay with you or not (and also that if you have a sensitive digestive disposition then, yes, ideally it should be getting taken into better consideration). And then on top of the fact she feels she's spread to thin and everyone wants a piece of her, even during her so-called Me Time, she's using your complaints as make her feel even MORE of a failure (in terms of incapable of coping) as her opportunity or catalyst to have a cathartic rant at someone... whomever's most conveniently to-hand and even *fractionally* 'deserves it' and, more to the point, won't punish her too much for it, let alone instantly abandon her for-good. (Trouble with that is how the already banked-up stress that has nothing to do with you you flies out *with* it in one great barrage.) Then, when she gets a mo to reflect on the episode, she feels horribly guilty for being a "baaad, bad, mother!". But she doesn't have ROOM for any more guilt and self-criticism so she automatically seeks out sympathisers - readily-biased people in her position, other parents, for example, who immediately settle on the assumption that it's simply a typical case of moody, spoiled teenager acting up OR those who *do* see your side but daren't disagree with her for fear of putting themselves in her snappy firing-line.
This mere elastoplast makes her feel better about herself and how she's behaved for a SHORT while, but then the guilt (which typically refuses to be ignored or buried) starts tapping at her mental shoulder again, leading to her once again feeling like a giant failure and again adding to her mental overload and over-distracted-ness...and the whole sorry slip-up/resentment/locking horns cycle begins again.
You shouldn't have to be wasting your 'childhood' and fitness for studying hard in playing enforced carer, though. I get that your mother's horribly over-stretched and put-upon but she should be dealing with that by seeking the proper assistance from the right quarters, not relying on her own daughter to play spouse come co-carer just because circumstances force you to still live at home. That set-up and daily delegating may deal with the PRACTICAL demands but it simultaneously means there are then TWO overloaded and fractious people (rather than just the one lesser stressed under the guidance and support of an immune professional).
If you can't find a calm moment in which to discuss all of this with her, do you have a trusted adult you could approach for advice and help with getting this whole household situation improved?
In short, it wasn't about the food. It was about you feeling your own mum doesn't hold you and your needs and preferences in high enough regard and your mum feeling you don't appreciate and make allowances for how 'handicapped' she is. Your resentment is being caused by her situation whereas hers is- oh, wait! - being caused by her routine set-up and situation! It's the SITUATION that's to blame and deserves to be 'hit'. HOWEVER, it's an area that comes under the responsibility of the ADULTS in your mother and grandmother's world, not a barely-adult still in a child's position. That's why I'm advising you strongly to pull a sorted, responsible, caring, proactive, much older adult (with a bit of time to spare) into the frame: so that you can do what you at your age should MAINLY be doing - concentrating on putting in place a viable future for yourself, meanwhile just helping out to a more normal degree. Can you think of anyone?
If you want to know what's going on UNDERNEATH all this surface crap then it's this: Nature is causing you and she to grab at whatever excuses are to-hand as suffice as argument fodder because it's that very fodder that makes the pair of you so (temporarily) SICK TO DEATH of one another that you'll each find it far easier to bear, emotionally, come the day you make the final parent-child split (you leaving home and going out into the world). If you were still "in-love" with each other too much, you'd never be able to bring yourself to make that leap (and/or would have no reason to want to) / she'd never be able to bring herself to let you. Berbom. But that doesn't help either of your present situations in terms of your needing to focus above all else on your important studies and her to live a less harried lifestyle, so - find that approachable, adult advocate/helper.