Need help with friend issues
JAMIEHALL - Oct 2 2015 at 21:23
hi, I am 14 and having some issues with my friends. i made a post here the other day about how my best friend was getting more distant. however that issue is mending slowly which is good. I mentioned how my best friend (who I will call luke) is good friends with another person too (who I will call tom). I am getting really paranoid now that he likes tom more than me and it sounds really selfish but luke doesn't realise how important he is to me. I saw one of luke's posts on ask.fm and when asked "opinions on tom" he said "Lad, funny and great friend". I get really angry and upset by this.
am I being over paranoid? or is there a way I can try and definitely check if I am, or make me luke's best friend.
I am just in a bad state and I don't know what I should do.
I agree that friendships tend to be a bit chop-and-change fickle until you reach about 15/16 (secondary school mock exam time), partly because, with the outside world starting to loom more for-real thus the unlimited pool of potential friends that is school seeming to dwindle and approach a close, you start to think ahead to college and beyond and view any prior emotional investments and efforts (deeper friendships or those with potential) as becoming more scarce and valuable.
For now, however, you guys are still caught between that prior experimental phase and this new foundations-building & placing one. So you're at the stage where
 you're flexing your egos as the newly updated, re-fashioned, almost-finalised Yous, meaning, you practise on one another in terms of [a] seeing how good you are at getting what you want, getting to keep it, including outsmarting any competitors and [b] working out how to do that with future girlfriends. Your egos are particularly susceptible to the pull of CHALLENGE, meaning, getting whatever you believe you CAN'T have/what's hard-to-get feels particularly empowering thus appealing. And
 worrying legitimately that you might have to start all over again at making lasting friendships from scratch once you leave school.
You're then left with all of you straddling a fine balance (or bouncing) between getting one over on each other, playing Musical Chairs and trying not to actually lose one another in the process. That's why you could, if you think about it, be said to be sounding like Luke's your girlfriend despite there's absolutely nothing (zilch, nada, zip) romantic or sexual about it aside from trying to secure said post-school social network and ("two for the price of one") additionally practising/sharpening your claws for "the real deal" (dating + eventual marriage).
But right now it can feel really anxiety- and insecure-, even DISTRAUGHT-making. So here's something to try in place of feeling helpless and at everyone else's mercy:
Instead of giving off this whole vibe of anxiety about your possibly losing Luke (whose ego would LOVE being chased and fought over), you should be exuding an air of your losing interest in HIM. Not nastily, snidily, antagonistically, snootily or in any way negatively or for-effect, just happily and passively and naturally, as in, 'Ho-hum, I guess I'll just try over here, then'. His primitive mind will then be triggered to "run" its programme called, Chase After Possession [Jamie], Mount Re-aqcuisition Campaign. Because, you see, whilst he at the back of his mind can tell you're anxiously 'fixated' on him and what he's up to/when/who with, that signal equates to your demonstrating you're prepared to WAIT AROUND whilst he experiments with novelty and acquisition before possibly/possibly not re-tracing his steps back to you.
In other words (ref the film Dirty Dancing), 'Nobody puts *Baby* in the corner!'. That's right. Baby has to LET them in order for them to succeed at that.
Spend the next few days like a hawk, watching and studying all the other boys in your year in order to spot any 'third wheels', tag-alongs, anyone who or even FEELS like they are...anyone who looks likely to respond to the chance to be a firm twosome (either instead of or, better yet, as a little, out-of-school clique within a bigger group). As Susiedqqq says and I was always telling my own son: try never to limit yourself to solely any one-on-one friendship aside from, as I say, where the pair of you belong to a larger pack. (A trio is good, except you've got to expect the downside of ganging up, 2 against one, the minute any squabbles start.) That way, if ever your bessie mate is ill off school or abroad during the holidays, you're not meanwhile out on a limb without a soul to hang out with.
If Luke sees or even senses (he will) you merrily starting to bit-by-bit wander away, your nose sniffing around other individuals and groups, thereby wordlessly and passively signalling you're NOT prepared to sit patiently in his waiting-room, then, like a spinning plate on a pole that's losing momentum and starting to wobble precariously on its axis, threatening to topple and smash on the ground (which are HIS precious plates), he SHOULD rush back to give you another spin. At that point, he'll probably dare to wander off back to Tom again. So what you do is immediately start to wobble again. He'll then start to get the message that, albeit a FUN plate, you're one that can't be left untended (high maintenance but in a GOOD way due to the perks making up for that work). Meanwhile, you've said NOTHING, nor have nagged, moaned, whinged, berated, acted-up... You're just,.. well, ...what you are. Which is not the sort of plate that can be spun for long. (Solid Gold plates don't, you know. ;-))
But here's the good news (if you can't be a*sed): whilst you're busily worrying about your friendship with Luke and whether you're about to be abandoned, the chances are that all this time - without you even having noticed or had it occur to you - there's been some other boy(s) wishing he could somehow get to buddy up with you. That's how it goes. ALWAYS. You can end up, in a new and better friendship and getting told how he'd always wanted to hang out with you only he didn't really like Luke and thought approaching you would mean his having to mix with the pair of you as an item, hence thought it better to stay away.
The key, vibe- and impressions-wise, is: perfectly fine and dandy aside from JUST BORED with waiting around with nothing to do and acting according to your resourceful instinct to seek out your own replacement. Watch out, Luke, if you're not careful you might find yourself DUMPED! (dah-dah-daaaah!!!)
Do stay considerate of the feelings of any 'new' boy you do manage to make friends with for the joint purposes of this exercise, though. You can't just appoint then dump, that would be you USING them (bad karma, bad reputation). Choose your target wisely, therefore, based on a genuine desire to be lasting friends, or at least to try, even if only for the remainder of your time at school.
Alternatively, if you can't think of anyone you'd like to be buddies with, you can achieve this goal just as easily with some THING. Example, joining some involving new lunchtime club or even a thrilling book you can't bear to put down even for lunchtime breaktime.
Hope that helps, and let us know how it goes. :-)
Hi, thanks for the help but honestly, it sounds sad but I can't really just choose to have multiple good friends and no best friends. My feelings are that Luke is the friend I like alot more than my other good friends and I don't know how to keep the act of "losing interest" because j would probably just want to hang out with Luke.