Does my childhood affects my relationship towards opposite sex now?
I've grown to have a complete family, has father and mother. I am the oldest among with my 2 siblings. I am 22 years old, female, my sister 19 (and will turn 20 y/o within this year), our youngest brother is 13 years old. As the eldest daughter I usually got the responsibilities ever since I was a child. My parents are normally a disciplinarian people. They even have rule as a couple, once one of them is scolding us the other one should not interfere or will be get in favour to us( their siblings). But my mother is different, she spanks or beat us even for a very little wrong things we did(like messing with things on house, clothes,toys etc.), and as far as I remember I am still 4 or 5 years old. She even made us knelt in salts with my sister, had my sister put her inside in a rice sack and get hung in tree. Letting us do all the chores like cooking early for school, washing all our family clothes, fetching water, watering the plants and flowers at afternoons after we got home from school(more or less I was 12 years old that time). I was like grown used with violence physically even mentally (usually with my mother). My father doesn’t say anything much ( as I’ve think they have an agreement).
The bad thing is my mother that time got drunk always with her friends which our neighbours. And often got home drunk and even pukes in front of us. To my age that time (which I was around 8 years old or younger) I already know what is really happening. And I even got to know she has an affair in some few men as I was growing. As know she had her last relationship with another man around more or less a year. But their relationship got over due to that man’s family and that man was deceased and died. The point is she even telling us( with my siblings about the affairs with his man). But cannot totally react because I’m afraid she will get so angry again. The point is, almost all people surrounds us know about her affairs with another man but my father doesn’t do anything. When I was on my senior years on high school to my college years I am starting to react most of the time about her doings. But as usual got been scolded more or even beaten again, and honestly I’m really used to it. I never get shown affection with my parents, I never heard them saying to us these words, “ I LOVE YOU”. Greeting us in our birthdays made us far too uncomfortable or even annoyed. Been grown in to an unaffectionate person I think.
To make it short, I’ve been grown into a total chaos. I started learn drinking when I was still 16 and been run away from home already two times( when I was 18 and 20 y/o). I even developed a social condition which the result is made me hard to deal with people when im only alone. Failed most of my subjects on college because I don’t want to attend classes due to lack of friends and always has the feeling I am all alone. Got relationship with the opposite sex but the longest period is around less than 7 motnhs, mostly it will only last around less than a month up to 3.
This is my problem now, I am trying to figure out what is really something wrong with me. Is this because of my childhood experiences? How can I mend it if so? Please I need someone just even to clarify this for me.
Do you need validation that you have grown up in a toxic environment? Wow - rest assured that you have!! There is a whole LOT of wrong with them. But you also sound resilient - so start now on a plan.
Go back to school and study!! Get an education and a job so you can break away and get far away from this place. Be very serious about this. There are some great 2-year programs that will train you for a good job.