How can you tell if you are gay?
Hi, recently I have been thinking thoughts that most would consider to make me a homosexual. I have started seeing some of my male friends as more attractive for example. Also I feel like I could be developing 'feelings' for my best friend. But that's for another post.
How can you tell when you are gay? Because I have heard about how people experiment when they go through puberty (I am 14 btw) but I'm not sure. And plus my local community isn't greatly open to homosexuals so didn't want to portraying the idea round.
You are having "feelings" towards your buddies? That can encompass several different feelings (crush, sexual, admiration, curiosity, etc etc.) - all perfectly normal for your age. Sexual exploration and curiosity are the norm for your age.
You don't have to "declare" your sexual preference right now. Don't feel under pressure to do so.
Hi thanks but I don't think of him on a sexual way. by developing feelings I'm talking about how I suddenly want to be with my best friend all the time. When I'm not with him I will think about him. And I feel like i want us to have a more special bond than just best friends, however I'm pretty sure he isn't gay. So what do I do?
Nope, Susiedqqq is right. Feeling surprisingly, even disconcertingly close to a good, same-sex friend and feeling like the relationship demands a 'roomier plant-pot' is indeed perfectly routine at your age. Without even being aware of it, what you're doing is  'cutting your teeth' on your platonic friends in preparation for the next 'menu item' (or if you prefer, 'landmark'
of your psychological development: heterosexual dating and marriage; and  putting to use your greater sense of and appetite for ambition (which, likewise, has nowhere bigger/better to go as yet). You all are ...albeit some, like, would seem, you, can develop slightly earlier in that aspect than others, granted.
If on the other hand you'd said you'd felt this type of way since you were SIX, for example, THEN you could question whether you might be homosexual (emotionally as well as physically).
Do nothing. Particularly as you know his feelings aren't likely reciprocal in terms of the romantic. There's nothing to feel wrong or guilty or even slightly concerned about. Wait until you've had your first few girlfriends and then see how you feel. Cross that bridge if you come to it / Don't assume you aren't into girls until you've actually properly sampled them, in other words. That's the only way to be qualified to make that level of judgement call over yourself and how you tick to know it has any validity.
hi thanks but if these feelings continue, whether he likes me back or not, I would want to tell him that I am gay or bi ad that I like him. so how long should I leave it, to be sure I am/am not gay?
I repeat, once you're beyond this age of discovery wherein you all start to reinvent yourselves as pending adults in terms of who you are, what you're made of, what you're capable of, where your talents lie, how you tick, how the world ticks, how you tick in relation to the world you live in, whether you look hotter with floppy hair or should gel the uck out of it aaaand so on and so forth...
How long? How long is a piece of string? It depends on your individual, genetic programming, when you're scheduled to start feeling intrepid enough to chat up and ask out girls and get some dating experience under your belt.
You seem to be right on schedule or even slightly ahead of schedule so if I had to hazard a guess I'd say you'll probably have your first girlfriend around or not long after the time of your 15th birthday. From there, I'd suggest you should probably sample THREE girlfriends before finalising or undoing that kind of decision (based on the same principle of always getting three different contractor's quotes for building work).
Question, just out of interest: Stepping back a little and thinking objectively, would you say this best mate in particular compared to all your other pals has quite feminine facial features/expressions/gestures at all? E.g. particularly pretty eyes with long lashes; pert lips; pretty nose and nostrils; feminine hairline/forehead ...anything that comes to mind?... tone of voice, even?.... quite passive nature? I could probably work out a slightly more precise timeline if you can answer that, obviously depending on what the answer(s) is?
Why don't you, when the time is right or if you meantime can't manage to bide your time and hold yourself back, start the conversation in a way as if seeking his advice, appraisal and opinion about how HE sees you (in the context of his other peers), rather than telling him you must be gay for-a-fact? It's NOT a fact, is it. It's merely a suspicion with, at-present, woefully little evidence. So - example: confide about how 'you "sometimes wonder whether", because you've had a few "strange" thoughts and feelings lately; what about him, has HE? Ever?'... that sort of approach? Cautious baby-steps that rely on encouragement and positive feedback before each next step gets taken? That would certainly be more truthful considering the jury is still very much out, so to speak. True - yes?
hi thanks again, but my friend doesn't really have any female features. I guess his nose maybe. also I have noticed him being what I can only describe as being 'playful' cause he will see me and like ruffle my hair in a friendly sort of way. also he is quite stubborn tbh so how do I ask him these questions without him thinking "oh god what a Gaylord"? also he talks about 'fit' girls quite a bit and I do to but a lot of the time I fake it to make conversation or to convince others I'm not gay. are there any signs I can look for to see if he is kinda faking it like me or if he is gay and hiding it?
Oops, sorry, Jamie, this got lost for a while in the overcrowded universe that is my email inbox!
His being a hair-ruffler meaning anything depends on whether the guy tends to be physically affectionate as a matter of course when it comes to close family and friends regardless of gender? Also, if he's a TRUE friend, I doubt very much he'll judge you as negatively and off-handedly as you fear. I wouldn't have thought he'd want to alienate you. But if you want a cop-out excuse at the ready then try to pick a playful and lighthearted moment, conversationally, so that *if* he doesn't take to the conversation topic well you can claim your questions were tongue-in-cheek and/or you just pushing the conversational boundaries for the sake of being extreme and to just forget it.
Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. It has helped me but I still have questions I want to ask if you are still up for helping me.
Anyway, I wish more than anything that the was gay because not only understand more if I came out to him but also he might have feelings for me. The thing is, do I tell him and, assuming he's ok with it, try to 'go for him' but he would know and might sense that I like him and be freaked out. Or do I like try and 'go for him' without saying I'm gay, which might also creep him out still.
Or do I just tell him I like him?
That's what I'm here for.
That's what the forum's for.
But thank-you for thanking me, LOL.
Yes, you could tell him. As long as, as I said, you do it tentatively (and casually) enough to give yourself a way to instantaneously backtrack ("I was just pushing your buttons for a laff"
The best time for such 'real' subjects is when on a sleepover in the same room, in the pitch black. It gives people uncommon courage to be  "Heavyyy!" and  honest. Another one is when doing a task which requires being and talking side-by-side, incapable of direct eye-contact.
No, don't 'go for him'. It has to either be his own decision and move or mutual/simultaneous, following his having had warning / a chance to cotton on and give a run of indications over whether he's receptive to  the concept and  you specifically. He might be gay but NOT fancy you.
But I worry about your first sexual imprint being with another male when you haven't even tried "normal" (majority) yet. The jury hasn't yet heard the evidence from both sides, so to speak. It IS possible, you see, that you could just be over-ripe and ready to commence emotional and (some) physical love thus prepared to disregard gender, i.e. in the battle between gender preference and getting to have a snog and deeper than normal emotional attachment, the latter, being far stronger, wins. If you try a dish for the first time at Restaurant A and it's so good that it impacts on your mind really deeply, then, when it comes to wanting those same pleasurable sensation again, you're NOT going to want to try Restaurant B (or C or D), you're going to stick with the restaurant you know and with which you FIRMLY ASSOCIATE that pleasing taste. Understand what I'm saying?
So I repeat (nag-nag): get three samples of "main" before you declare yourself "alternative". Do yourself that favour.
Thanks, but here's what I'm confused about. I have had three relationships in my time with girls, two being emotional and with girls I now dislike, and the third being more... Physical. Yet, I don't think of my friend in a sexual way. I like thinking about things like holding his hand or ruffling his hair etc.
But does this make it gay? Cause I like him and I 'fancy' HIM, not his looks/sexual attraction. But don't get me wrong I still think he is quite good looking and I have a few times thought of sexual thoughts but that isn't the reason I like him.
As I said I am attracted to him and his personality not how he looks.
Anyway, I can say that I have had experience with girls so I know what its like.
I just want to know when/if I should talk to him about it cause currently or relationship is at the highest its been in a long time. And I get what you mean about you mean about slipping it into conversation but how do I say "wanna know something funny? I have feelings for you. Lol jk"
P.s. Sorry if any of this sounds like I'm mocking your advice I'm really not I really appreciate it but I just point it out from how I interpret it
Jamie, in my very first post to you I said to wait until you'd had your first three girlfriends. Why only NOW, all of a sudden, are you telling me you HAVE already, when the logical time for having told me was way back then? Are you currently telling me porkie-pies - "hmm, I-say-HMMMM?" - just because you're that much more keen on 'coming out' in front of this friend (as an instant clarifications test) and too loath to suffer any more delay??
Well, anyway, reading your latest has just affirmed my opinion for you NOT to make any distinctly romantic move. You clearly did, by your own admission, have the romance-accompanying physical urges with at least one of these girls, yet categorically don't for this pal of yours. So, no, it doesn't look as if you're gay. What might well (very likely, in fact) explain it, though, is that you've never FELT such a close affinity and bonded-ness with another person outside of your own family (possibly not even them?) and hence are misconcluding that it therefore must naturally belong within the romantic-sexual domain and warrants you giving it what feels like its rightful promotion/elevation. Nah, matey, you've just met a soulmate of the *platonic* variety, meaning this is a common-or-garden "Bromance". It happens.
The only other open question is whether you could be bi-sexual? But I see no evidence even for that.
So, if you're busting a gut to bring your novel feelings above-table, why don't you just, during some especially fun or melodious moment, just the two of you, tell him that you apologise if what you're about to say sounds cheesy but, he's the best friend you've ever had and you think he's WELL cool? If there IS anything 'loftier' between you then that would be an excellent place to start from, the pair of you.
(PS to your PS: Nope, relax - it didn't.)