He won't believe me and its killing me
I'm with the man of my dreams(code name:Tom) , he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and it scares me because I've never felt that way before. All of my other relationships have started to fall apart within the first month.
But theres something thats tearing me apart, a problem we can't get past.
Before we started to date I managed to get myself into an unwanted position, I was friends with benefits with a guy(code name:Ben) that I didn't want to be, I said yes because I felt like I wasn't worth anything else, and I failed to end it because I then felt to scared to back out. I thought he might've hurt me.
This thing with Ben ended as soon as I started to date my dream man, and we (me and Ben) decided to tell Tom what happened. I wanted to be the one that told him, but I was shot down by Ben again and he told him.
Tom got really angry, he felt like he didn't have the right to because it happened before we started to date but he was still angry.
Not to my knowledge Ben had been telling Tom about what we did together but with the alias "Tinder girl", which made me want to throw up.
Of course Tom wanted to know everything, everything that we did, and so I told him. And during that I made the biggest mistake of my life, I lied, I said I didn't enjoy it when I did at the beginning. I told him 2 months later.
To this day I want to kick myself ini a bloody pulp for lying, I was afraid of loosing him so I held back but now I've broken the trust between us.
And now he questions me about it almost everyday, I try to answer the questions as best I can but I've blocked out of what has happened and can't remember most of it, so I leave stuff out or get some details wrong.
And he's not satisfied with my answer, he feels like I'm holding something back when I'm pouring out my heart and soul to him, no matter how much it hurts.
And now I don't know what to do, Ben is runining the only good thing in my life and he is't ven around, I despise him so much.
Tom can't move on and I don't how to to make him believe me, I've messed up our trust and I have no idea how to get it back, I don't want to leave him, that would kill both of us. So what do I do?
He's upset about a relationship that was BEFORE you and him? And wants to know all the details of your sex life? Gee, that's downright . . . . weird.
You said it: "Tom can't move on"
He questions you every day? Prepare yourself for this to go on FOREVER because guys like Tom have issues that don't allow mature thinking - and you have "fed" all that by providing him with details, instead of telling him to go soak his head.
PS and talk about a rat! Ben is the lowest of the low.
I agree this Ben is a rat. (Hmm, maybe he's the one Michael Jackson wrote the song about? ;-p)
But I have a different take on the other aspects:
1. "Tom got really angry, he felt like he didn't have the right to because it happened before we started to date but he was still angry."
Tom may not be able to articulate precisely enough what it is he feels affronted by, but I'd say it's this, specifically: What he's angry (hurt) about, what relationship *right* he's been denied, is called DISCLOSURE. If you see a relationship as a multi-storey building thus its foundation as comprising, amongst other things, *trust* then, by having failed to do the (note) *usual, bog-standard notes-comparing* about your lives leading up to your getting it together, in terms of all PERTINENT information by which to each protect yourselves and the relationship as a whole, YOU LEFT GAPS IN YOUR GROUND FLOOR WALLS. Tom now hasn't a clue as to whether the building will hold up under the added weight of any or all further, subsequent floors or whether the entire building could - given, say, a hurricane - crumble to the ground (or at least sway too alarmingly in any strong winds to find the building strictly comfortable enough to live in). His confidence in your beautiful relationship has suffered a huge knock.
The question, therefore, is how to either add those missing breezeblocks or find some other way of retro-fortifying the lower level(s).
One way is to add extra cement and steel rods (reassurance).
Granted, Tom's ego has spotted a way to take greedy advantage of this situation and gorge its face on all the flattery in with those attempts of yours to reassure, but his basic instinctual knowledge and expectation is correct: that extra fortification IS warranted in such a case. Plus, I imagine your reassurance attempts, being basically only words, aren't quite doing it. So try adding the following to your 'defense case':
2. "Of course Tom wanted to know everything, everything that we did, and so I told him. And during that I made the biggest mistake of my life, I lied, I said I didn't enjoy it when I did at the beginning. I told him 2 months later.
To this day I want to kick myself ini a bloody pulp for lying, I was afraid of loosing him so I held back but now I've broken the trust between us."
- It's not broken "the" trust. Just a portion of it (as above). But news for you: In actual fact, you did not lie. You started out merely THINKING it was enjoyable (or, was going to be, as in, remain so). But then reality showed you otherwise. Ergo, the overriding truth is, you DIDN'T enjoy it.
Enjoyed it 15% of the time, hated it (which the here and now proves in hindsight was good gut instinct!) the remaining 85%. If that were a tally of boardroom votes then 'didn't enjoy it' would win by a clean sweep. Conclusion: Hated it + Didn't lie. Just failed to mention the *INITIAL* ILLUSION AND/OR WISHFUL THINKING-STYLE SELF-DELUSION.
- Has the tenure of your relationship and your *still to this day* enjoying all your relationship aspects with Tom overtaken the tenure you clocked up with our furry friend yet? If so, you could point this out.
- Ben had a too-small d*ck, remember? SURE you do! ;-) You didn't want to say anything before now because it's not nice and a highly private, personal thing to let loose about one man to another. But there you have it - current events now make admitting it and potentially sacrificing Ben's pride imperative. Plus Ben has shown without a shadow of doubt that he is not 'another', he's a rat. So this one may BE a lie, but it's one for the power of good (and justice).
Tom's phee-phoo, on the other hand, is literally the perfect size and shape! Custom-made! :-) So, in response to 'Tinder Girl' you could start to refer to Ben in front of Tom as 'Matchstick Boy', couldn't you! ;-) I imagine that likewise would do a lot for Tom's poor, flailing, ego. Because - don't think that aspect hasn't gone through his mind (eezaman, innit).
- You were too afraid of losing him. Okay, wrong choice of action, but - RIGHT INTENTION/HEART IN THE RIGHT PLACE. Why, what would Tom prefer - that at the time you hadn't been and couldn't have given a sh*t if it had spelled the end of he and you? Ask him that.
3. (For your secret information only:) It's not even about you, not entirely. It's about the fact that Tom and Ben were always competitors, and in this case you're 'the race'. Hence the above 'matchstick' method of pinning Bronze onto Ben and Gold onto Tom. And they still ARE competitors. So this is why it's not something that can technically be deemed as being 'in the past'.
Other than that little lot, this'll purely be a case of nagging him (in a positive way) until he grows bored of hearing it.