I'm 17 years old and I've recently had an abortion, despite not really wanting to. I regretted it as soon I took the first tablet. I then had no choice but to tak e the second. It was awful. I feel like a murderer, my baby was just an innocent child and I failed him. I want that baby so much now. Every time I see a child or a baby I burst into tears and can't sleep at night. I know it's my fault for going through with it but I just need help and I don't know where to go. I don't think I'm ever going to get over this.
You are not a murderer. I know, I didn't believe it when my father told me that after my abortion. But it is true. Right now, you are experiencing both grief and post partum depression. I wont tell you that it goes away because it doesn't. I aborted my child just under a year ago and my husband and I still regret it to this day. What you need to understand is that you did the best you could given the circumstances with the knowledge that you had. Now you know what it feels like and will be unlikely to do it again. The real murderers are those that can experience this and have no remorse. I don't know if you have a religion (I don't and it stilled helped) but try praying or speaking to your baby. You can apologize, explain, get out what you need to in order to accept what has happened. I hope this helps. Good luck.
Agree. (Lovely post!)
ROOBOO - do NOT take this the wrong way, just bear with me until you've read the entire thing....but...
Your baby, in scientific terms, was no such thing, just a collection of cells that thought nothing, felt nothing, WERE nothing. It was a *POTENTIAL* baby. So say 'my potential baby'. Because, one, it's the truth and, two, it doesn't detract from or undermine the other truth of your love, regret and sadness any. If anything, as you yourself admit - this event 'lit that candle'.
Plus you've absolutely no way of saying he would even have BECOME a baby in the outside world, because for all you know you might have spontaneously miscarried before the first trimester was out. Many, MANY young women your age do, you know. The womb tends to do this gearing-up, practising for the real deal/actual event later on, making sure it all works properly.
Anyway, HERE'S a novel but perfectly plausible idea (based on that certainty of sense of yours re the gender): Maybe you'll have the same baby (as in same 'soul' thus personality if not same looks(?)) "again" in another or however many years from now, when the time is better for both you AND he for his completing the *entire* journey through whatever portal to this tangible world? Maybe *HE* was just doing a practise run? Maybe someone/thing "up there" knew the conditions were GREAT for a very valuable practise run if not yet for the actual event?
Be GLAD you feel so grief-stricken. It means you 'got a taste of him', LIKED it, want to 'semi-meet' him again but now EVEN MORE KEENLY and where by then you won't have to do any saying goodbye. How flattering for him!.... "The" perfect conditions for a perfect, life-lasting reception, I'd say, by which a brand-new little being gets greeted by, wouldn't you?...A really "des res" little pot-plant right in the best, sunniest, most conducive spot in the house for growing and flourishing in.... COVERED in bright blooms and striking colours, he'll be! Maybe even a prize-winner, who knows?! So once you get used to the grief whereby you can no longer even detect it and it has transformed into its purpose of pure, positive and joyful desire and longing, all that will remain of this experience, but which is what you'd WANT remaining, will be this pre-prepared, perfect, downright *enviable* little pot with copious quantities of Baby Bio at the ready.
What a lucky little fella!
AND ALL FACILITATED BY THE FACT YOU AND HE EACH GOT GIVEN A PRACTISE RUN!
Try that idea on and see what it does.
Plus, in amongst whatever others - you now have a GOAL to light your way on the next leg of your life's journey. A mapped-out route toward a definite destination! Most people your age haven't a CLUE what they're doing or where they should be headed.
Put simply, "No experience is bad experience", it all has a purpose. And not just for you. For him and his sake, too.
Or, better yet, try this analogy: Your son came to visit for his birthday tea; knocked on the door; you weren't quite ready enough for everything to be 'perfect' enough for one such as him with such amazing potential (e.g. you hadn't finished laying the table, hiding his presents, lighting the cake candles whilst getting everyone to hide behind the furniture), so had to yell through the door, 'Hold on, be with you in a second!'.
...one little 'second' that makes ALL the difference between a pretty good party or a SH*T HOT ONE THAT YOU LOOK BACK ON FONDLY YOUR WHOLE LIFE THROUGH!
Trust me, it's all good.
Just never feels like it at the time.