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Difficult family situation

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Emotional advice I would just like some feedback please. My in laws family is
large and revolves around his elderly mother. We visit often and did up her house for her and supported her through difficult family upheavals. Finally everything had settled down.
The problem is her black sheep son. He has been instrumental in causing rows through the years. He never apologises after bouts of screaming matches and violence and yet everyone runs around after him. I broke that cycle when he started to target me. I ignored him and he couldn't fight with someone who doesn't talk to him or acknowledged his existence.
On recent months he has been on his best behaviour, even trying to play with my daughter (much to my disgust as I don't want him near her). I don't like how he treats his own children smoking in their presence, snapping at them and having fights with them around. I know he was only behaving as he was trying to move back in to his mother's house. He has been trying to make anyone who does not want this to happen very uncomfortable and using some of his sheep like sisters to help him do this.
Unfortunately it appears that he has just moved back in with the mother so it it only a matter of weeks until he starts getting up to his bad behaviour again. The family have even tried to mask the fact that he is back by lying about it to us.
Is it unreasonable for me to decide not to go there anymore and not to bring my daughter either? Is there any other way I can deal with this?

Difficult family situation

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Jenna:

Yes. You've just answered your own question.

You asked:

"Is it unreasonable for me to decide not to go there anymore and not to bring my daughter either? Is there any other way I can deal with this?"

I say, "No, it is not unreasonable for you to decide that."

If it is humanly possible not to go there anymore, don't go there anymore. Many people seemingly don't have a choice but to stay in a miserable situation like that. They don't have the money, they don't have the guts. Usual stuff.

If you have these things, and you have a choice, don't go there.

You say:

"The problem is her black sheep son. He has been instrumental in causing rows through the years. He never apologises after bouts of screaming matches and violence and yet everyone runs around after him. I broke that cycle when he started to target me. I ignored him and he couldn't fight with someone who doesn't talk to him or acknowledged his existence."

Why does a grown man with kids live at his mother's house?

I've got a guy like that who is harassing me in my neighborhood. About a week ago, he broke the far lower right part of my front windshield of my car as it sat in my driveway. He really dangerous. He wants me to move, and then he wants to get my house. That bad.

He has an anger personality disorder. And as you say, "targeted." So I know how that feels.

This has been going on about 4 years. I've tried to stay positive throughout. The below column on being positive before going into a problem, has helped me a lot.

By being positive, I came up with this solution: Hire a private detective to knock on his door and ask him a list of questions. He will be told, if there is any more disturbance, if he comes onto my property again, security cameras and motion detector spotlights will be recording that, and he will be turned into the police.

Then have the private detective go to his next door neighbors and talk to them about any trouble they've noticed with him. He will see the private dect. at his neighbors, and wonder what they are saying about him.

Pretty positive, huh? First I had to talk the private detective to take my case. I had to be positive about that, for first she didn't want to take the case, but I had to try to convince her that this bully is really coming after me. She said to call her back Wednesday. So I'm going through some heck myself.

Prior to seeing the column, I was unconsciously negative and having a lot of difficulty trying to solve problems. It was because my unconscious was negative, and would put down any solution my conscious had for trying to solve a problem. Since I couldn't see my uncon., I couldn't figure out what was going on.

You've already got the answer, so I'm not worried about you.

But see if the col. below helps you solve this problem and others.

But first, some of my favorite sayings:

______________________________________________

 “And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.”

 Your Present Situation is Not Your Final Destination
by Kevin Ngo

-- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.
--Brian Vaszily

If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill

_______________________________________________


Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me.

Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.

When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.

This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem wasn't the problem. The problem was my uncon. neg.

So before my next problem, I said, next time I have a problem, read the column first. Don't think about the problem.

The problem is your attitude about the problem.

I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg.

When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.

Here's the col. below.

____________________________________


by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994

“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.

“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:

"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."

“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”

“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”

“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”

“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”

“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”

“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”

“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without
blueprints or guarantees of success.”

“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.

“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.

“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “

“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”

“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”

'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”

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