Bf said he's not sure and doesn't know if we should stay together
Hi, i'm kind of new to this. I've been in bad shape the past few days. I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. Sort of long distance relationship (1.5 hours away). Both full time graduate students. i'm 31 and he's 30. We had a wonderful one year and even went for an anniversary vacation. We did have arguments along the way - mostly about his close relationship with his ex and her son, my paranoia of being cheated etc. We both have issues. I tend to be overdramatic and i expect him to be a mind reader. He tends to give me silent treatment for days when he's annoyed/unhappy. But i was hoping to work it out. I cook, clean, and organize his apartment. He's a messy guy and it irks me sometimes.
We had an argument days ago - and I know it was my fault. I was being overdramatic. But i apologized immediately afterwards - several times. But he gave me silent treatment for 3 days - no reply nothing. Finally he did. I asked if he's still angry. He said "i'm not angry". I asked if we're ok. He said "i don't know'. I apologized again. Then he said "i feel like we're in different wavelengths". To me it sounds like a breakup. So I asked "are we breaking up?". He replies "I'm not sure". Since we're in LDR, it's difficult to solve such issues. I don't want FaceTime nor text. So we decided to meet face to face tomorrow. I don't know what to do anymore. Convince him not to break up? Propose a trial break up? or completely break up?
"I don't know what to do anymore."
You were very strong to reach out for help. That's why I'm on this website, because I completely mangled a problem, and said to myself, "You need to try and get help the next time you have a problem. You had a tough time trying to solve it by yourself."
Of course, one of the difficulties is finding someone else. So, I found this website on the net. I still would like to find someone else to talk to, but, again, it's not easy.
What has helped me with problems is the column pasted below. Maybe it will help you.
Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem isn't the problem. The problem is my uncon. neg.
So before my next problem, I said, read the column first. Don't think about the problem.
The real problem is your attitude about the problem.
I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg.
When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without
blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”