Unable to love
I loved. Once. Maybe that's all we get in life. One love. She wasn't special to anyone else, and by that I mean she didn't have any outstanding qualities that would make her extraordinary. Yet, she was extraordinary. Every thing about her was extraordinary.
It's been three years since the end of that relationship. Unfortunately, it's been three years of loveless torment for me. I have been robbed of my ability to love anyone, and each passing day it gets worse. I am spiraling into a dark pit of emotionless gloom. I look all around me for a helping hand, but I only receive closed fists of anger and misunderstanding. Every action of mine is a desperate plea for help before I am lost forever, yet nobody understands.
How can a single relationship affect me so much? They say time heals all wounds, but it only dulls the pain. The wound remains gaping unless treated. This relationship has affected all other social interactions I've had. I no longer trust my closest friends, and I defend against all intimate connection to any female friend. She loved me, he parents hated me. In fact, parents was the cause of the end of the relationship. Resulting in a deep mistrust of all adults, including my own.
Furthermore, I seem to have lost all ability to feel emotional pain. To highlight my state of emotionless existence: my pet of 10 years died and I received the news as if it were nothing. And I'm afraid nothing is left of my heart.
I am paralyzed by fear of further pain, yet I crave the feeling of emotion once more. How much longer will my heart be entombed by the ghost of a long dead relationship? How can I feel again? I've been told that to forget lost love, I must find new love; but each relationship I have ends in emptiness.
Please, allow me to love again.
To allow parents spoil your life to the extent you detail seems extreme. Love can be refound even from the farthest emotiional distances between people, I think I have and I believe my wife has, Don't give up, there must be a way back, there is a way back.
You love, you lost, you learn. You'll be fine after the phase that makes you feel like you want to die. Try focusing on making yourself happy. Keep your mind off of it for the most part. Although if you want to cry then let it all out and then get your head together again and keep moving ahead. I hope you find peace and love one day.
"Furthermore, I seem to have lost all ability to feel emotional pain. To highlight my state of emotionless existence: my pet of 10 years died and I received the news as if it were nothing. And I'm afraid nothing is left of my heart."
That sentence reminded me of me decades ago when I was depressed. I can remember thinking, "I so depressed, someone could walk up to me and give me $1 million and I would have no reaction."
During that time, I also remember falling down as I was walking outside, and maybe doing a sumbersault, or rolling over. And even with that, I'm still thinking, as I was on the ground, "I'm still depressed."
Again, you wrote, "my pet of 10 years died and I received the news as if it were nothing. And I'm afraid nothing is left of my heart."
That reminded me of my two experiences above, when I was so emotionally numb that I thought, "If someone gave me $1 million, I would have no reaction."
That's depression. You aren't dead. Your emotions are suppressed. It's not life long. It's a temporary situation, unless you don't do something about it.
I also remember thinking during my depressed times, "I'm too far depressed for anything to be done about this." I wasn't, it just seemed that way.
I also remember thinking about how depression occurs, by remembering how it occurred with me. When I was working and around people, I wasn't depressed.
After my job stopped, and I was just sitting around the apartment all day with no one around, I slowly began to get depressed, probably within in a few days. Within a week to 10 days, it was close to full blown. And I'm out of it. I'm thinking, "I'm too far into this. I'm too depressed. I can't be helped."
It can be so gradual, you don't know it coming on. And the first few days of the depression, I'm probably thinking, "I'm just having a bad day," and "nothing is going right, that's why I feel bad." It was the beginning of depression.
Then when I was in depression it was, “It’s too late. I’m depressed. I can’t be helped.”
Right when you need help the most, you’re so depressed you don’t think it’s going to do you any good, because your thinking and your decision making is depressed, also.
How do you get out of it? A lot of people don’t, unless you have the guts and the brains to get out of it by getting some help. Like, scheduling an appointment with a psychiatrist and getting on an anti-depression.
If you’re lucky, you’ll have someone else around who can see what’s going on and convince you to get some help; who will get you going by finding a good psychiatrist, getting you to see the benefit of setting an appointment for you, and getting you to go to the appointment.
If you’re unlucky, like me, you won’t have anyone around like that, you’ll get so depressed you’ll have a nervous breakdown, and you’ll come crashing down so hard and fast you won’t know what’s going on. If you’re lucky, you’ll get help and you might recover from that.
What a way to get treatment, to have a nervous breakdown, but fools, like me, will learn in no other way.
So, what are we going to do now? If you’re like me, you’re going to sit around and do nothing. Because you’re a jerk.
Below is a column on being positive which helped me. Maybe it will help you.
Another help to me when I have a problem (based on the below column on being positive), is "One problem at a time, and be positive that you can solve about that problem."
When I'm having a problem (depression, etc.), my mind goes in a swirl, and the main problem I want to solve comes around about every 15 seconds, and then races off with the other problems, in a swirl.
If I can just slow my mind down, and grasp the most important problem that I want to solve now (depression, for instance), it would be a big help to me. As in, writing down the steps to solve that problem. As in, 1. find a psychiatrist in the computer (or current phone book) yellow pages. 2. call the psy. and get an appointment, for an evaluation only, I'll decide about suggestions he or she makes. 3. Keep the appointment.
Very complicated, but more than I can handle when I'm depressed. Thus me telling myself: "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."
Also a saying I wish I had told myself when I was depressed and living along and not doing anything myself about my problems (like depresson) was:
"Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?"
As in, why didn't I work on one problem at a time (like my depression), instead of waiting for someone to parachute into my apartment and save me? Because I was a jerk.
Here are some symptoms of depression from webmd.com, by typing in “depression symptoms” on the web search engine.
See how you score.
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
If you score depressed, might be time to put on your big person clothes and start helping yourself.
Below are some things which have helped me in difficult times:
“And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.”
Your Present Situation is Not Your Final Destination
by Kevin Ngo
-- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.
-- The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. –Amelia Earhart
-- The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. –Chinese Proverb
-- I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. –Stephen Covey
--You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. –Christopher Columbus
--Ships are safe in the harbor, but that’s not what they’re made for.
-- “We have crossed the Rubicon,” ancient military leader whose army cannot now turn back once it has crossed this river.
--“I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison
-- “If not this, what? If not us, who? If not now, when?”
~ Kennedy, John F. ~
51. If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill.
-- The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning.
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. "
~ Helen Keller
19. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller.
65. I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time – Charlie Brown
“I shall pass through this world but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show or any good thing I can do. Let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it. For I shall not pass this way again."
"I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time." – Charlie Brown
"You'll Never Walk Alone"
(tune can be found by typing in "melodies" on search engine.)
When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark
Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk, you'll never walk alone
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me.
Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.
So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”