Depression anxiety PTSD ruling my life
I've been suffering from depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder for the past 6 years now and every day seems to get harder, especially when you have no one to talk too and no one who really understands what you are going through.
My anxiety prevents from doing absolutely everything to the point where I cannot leave the house unless I'm with someone and I just feel so useless and hopeless. It's causing problems in my relationship because my partner doesnt understand and although he tries his best to support me, I still feel completely alone. His friends dont understand either which causes constant problems and it is draining the life out of me.
I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my depression and I hate being dependant on antidepressants, despite telling the doctors constantly that I need a higher dose or different meds all together no one seems to listen. So, for the past few months I've been off of my meds and trying to cope on my own.
I suppose, It would just be nice to know I'm not alone and that things will get better.
"I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my depression...."
1. "The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning."
That's one of the sayings below. You've just acknowledged that. The main person you have to conquer is yourself.
One way we can do that is by being positive, not 24 hours a day, just for a few minutes or more when you're trying to solve a problem. Every time I read something on being positive, I thought, I can't do that. That's not who I am. I can't be positive 24 hours a day. And it's even harder to be positive when something's going wrong. I couldn't say, "Oh, great! My whole day is fouled up!!!"
So I never grasped what they were talking about when they were saying be positive.
When I read the below column some 15 years ago on being positive, it said in effect, "You don't have to be positive all day long. Only when you want to solve a problem." I could do that. I could be positive for five minutes.
And it also wasn't saying, "Feel great when you're having a problem." It said only, "Feel positive that you can solve a problem. Don't feel great because you're having a problem."
I didn't know it, but unconsciously I didn't want to solve the problem, because I had a neg. uncon.,which kept knocking down any idea my conscious (which wanted to solve the problem) came up with. And since I couldn't see my uncon., I couldn't see what was going on.
I was defeating myself.
When I read the col. on being positive that you can solve a problem, I realized, don't worry about the problem, because you're the problem. You're sabotaging yourself. Or, as you say, ""I'm my own worst enemy." Hey, bingo. You've figured out the problem. It's you. Now, what about the solution? Read the col. below, knock out the neg. uncon. in your mind (by reading the col.), and only then start worrying about the problem.
"You say, "I cannot leave the house unless I'm with someone."
I probably don't leave the house by myself very much either. Oh, I have a dog. And every time I leave the house to walk around the block, that's right, there's the dog, every step of the way.
You say, "and I just feel so useless and hopeless."
One of the sayings below says, "Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die."
And “And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.”
And "Your Present Situation is Not Your Final Destination."
Also, diet. My son told me he had lost 40 pounds by not eating bread, potatoes, rice or pasta.
I scanned a book that said that, but I didn't pay any attention to it. When my son said that, I started on that diet that moment. What I found was, I didn't lose much weight, but I was less tired, less depressed, got to bed sooner, and woke up earlier. Also. I had no chest pain when I did yard work, etc.
I used to get to be about 2 a.m. and get up around 11L30 a.m. Last night I got to bed about 12 and got up about 9:30 a.m., not 11:30 a.m. Try it for one day and see if you don't feel better.
I eat bacon, etc., and eggs for breakfast, and can have a cantelope slice, nuts, tomatoe. Lunch, have ham or turkey or tuna salid, pork and beans, cheese, celery with pimento cheese, fruit, and the saving grace, tomato soup with milk, which fills me up to no end. (Or green pea soup, broccoli and cheese soup, or cream of chicken soup, or any kind which has no carbohydrates like rice or potatoes.)
Supper, which I want right now because I'm about to fall on the floor, meat of some kind, onions, veggies all you want. Snacks: cottage cheese with fruit, glutten-free (meaning wheat-free)cereal with fruit and milk.
Hey, no carbohydrates. For me it means, bed at 11 or 12 p.m. (not 2 to 2:30 a.m.) and up at 9:30 (not 11:30). All because I'm not eating bread, potatoes, rice or noodles. And I'm not as tired during the day. Try one, two or three meals like that one day and see if you don't feel less tired and less depressed.
(As a diabetic, no sugar snacks, water (not cola or orange juice). I'm also cutting out fruits (fruit sugar) (for lst day or two), and instead of whole milk (ll grams of sugar) I'm trying goats milk (only 3 grams of sugar) which is found at grocery store.)
Oh, as for my problems and col. on being positive, I've got a neighbor with an anger personality disorder who busted a hole in my car's lower right windshield while it sat in my driveway about 2 weeks ago. How do you like that for a problem? I'm trying to hire a private detective who I'm supposed to talk to in a few days, and improving my security camera situation.
This guy is one mean son of a bitch, OK? I'm trying to be as positive as I can. I'm positive that guy is one mean son of a bitch. There, that helps me already.
Can you do some volunteer work, maybe tutoring kids from a local school, or helping kids in a hospital with their homework, etc. Or helping at a senior citizens home? It may turn your energy flow from going inside yourself, to helping others who are having problems. You may find yourself worrying more about their problems than yours.
Do you think I'm worrying about my problems right now while I'm typing this? No.
“And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.”
Your Present Situation is Not Your Final Destination
by Kevin Ngo
-- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.
If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill
19. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller.
“I shall pass through this world but once. If therefore, there be any good thing I can do, or any kindness I can show, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. –Chinese Proverb
-- I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. –Stephen Covey
“If not this, what? If not us, who? If not now, when?”
~ Kennedy, John F. ~
The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning.
--Ships are safe in the harbor, but that’s not what they’re made for.
I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time – Charlie Brown
"You'll Never Walk Alone"
When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark
Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk, you'll never walk alone
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.
So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”
You are not useless.
Sorry to hear what you have been going through the past 6 years. There are plenty of other people going through something similar and you are not alone in feeling the things you feel. I started listening to an amazing podcast a couple of weeks ago called the Mental Illness Happy Hour, where people talk in unbelievably honest and intimate detail about their struggles and how they cope. There are lots of people on there with pdsd and anxiety. It's a good thing to listen to if you are only around people who are "normal" and you are feeling somehow sub-standard in comparison, because it makes you realise that you are not the useless person your brain keeps telling you that you are, that there are others like you, good people who have just had to cope with a lot. Do you have a therapist? And are you using any techniques to help you conquer your fears? I have to say, it sounds like if the meds aren't working for you, then you are right not to let doctors smother it all with extra meds (just my personal opinion here). It sounds like what you need more than anything is someone to talk to. I have been told that group therapy is a great experience, though I imagine if you are so anxious you can't leave the house alone then that idea is pretty horrifying to you. Are there any mental health charities in your area that offer things like peer support? Are there any art therapy groups, or something similar, where you could be around supportive understanding people?
It's been a while since you posted, so I don't know if you read this...
You mention that your boyfriend doesn't understand although he tries to support you. I just want to say that I have had a girlfriend for 6 year who also suffers a lot from anxiety and depression. I too found it difficult to understand entirely - not the basic facts of it, but exactly what would trigger a panic attack, how to support in the best ways and when I could be allowed to demand something myself. For me I was always a little nervous that I might trigger anxiety if I put pressure on my girlfriend. Could I ask her to come to the family dinner if she was not feeling great? Could I sometimes say "Hey, get your self together and just do the damn thing" - was it anxiety, depression or a deliberate choice not to do something? It's hard to know - and I was walking on eggshells. So it became an uneven relationship where she was "the patient" and I "the caretaker".
I just want to say that retrospectively I would have liked for us to go to a little counseling together. To enhance my own understanding of the anxiety and also to know how to get the relationship balanced. So that would be my suggestion. Also I found this article intersting: http://thoughtcatalog.com/adelaide-maria/2014/12/10-things-you-should-know-if-your-partner-has-anxiety/
All the best!