It wasn't for long
Over the past few years, my life hasn't been the grandest or finest as it could have been. My mother left me and my 7 siblings with my arrogant father. But despite her being the one who had left, I still love her, with all my heart, and can't describe this love. I lover her more than my father, which I don't truly understand, because he is the one who stayed, not her. However, everything he says, everything he does, bothers me, and wants me to take a knife and jab it into his neck. But i recline myself, and suck it up.
I am a 15 year old boy, soon to be 16, a sophomore in High School. I have very little friends, and am socially awkward. I used to have a girlfriend, about 2 years, but that ended with her breaking up with me. But that never bothered me, and now that I think about it, nothing she did ever bothered or made me happy. Sure, maybe the first few weeks of dating she made me happy, but that ended, and the spark we may have once shared, was no more. But I don't know.
About a few weeks ago, I began contiplating something in my mind, that is very specific about me. Something that could, and will change me forever. My sexuality. I'm not sure what it is that made me think this way, but I do remember that when i had a girlfriend, like I said already, I felt nothing. I look at her and think, "Eh, she's a girl," and that's it. And that goes for the rest of the girls. Sure, they're pretty, but I don't find myself being with any of them. However, when I look at some of the guys, I dream, and think of myself with them, and enjoy that. I want to be with a male, which is wrong, i know, but i can't help how I feel. My mind, and heart, are telling me that this is the right thing to do, so i guess I'm going to embrace it.
Nobody knows about this yet, and i don't know when they will kow. Don't know if I'll even tell anyone, not even my family, or closest friends. I don't even know how to tell them or where to start. You can't just go up to you parents (or friend) and say, "Hey, I'm gay," you just can't do that. I don't know what to do. Also, I'm afraid of their reaction, and if they think different of me because of it. I don't want to be looked at as some freak who likes the same sex. I wouuldn't be able to handle it.
I don't necessarily act like i'm gay, but in my mind, I am. I like guys, and... it's wrong, I know.
My religion doesn't allow gays or lesbians, saying that they're wrong, but i can't help the way I feel! I'm sorry... I may just be wasting your time, but I had to get this out in the open, to clear my mind. I'm sorry...
First of, don't ever be sorry for sharing how you feel, if you are not comfortable sharing with the people close to you, well what you did is the next best thing. I admire you for coming out (even if it's to strangers) it takes some guts. I know that religion says it's not normal or wrong but you cannot let religion tell you how your body and mind react to others. I myself am a bisesxual and my first relationship with a girl was with a lesbian, you could tell she was gay just by looking at her but she insisted that no one in our entourage or even strangers see us even holding hands. I was new to all that but still wanted the world to know that that beautiful girl was mine, that we were in love. I respected her wishes but still felt a little weird about, after 2 weeks, I told my family and most of my friends and I didn't say hey, I'm gay, instead I said hey listen here is the person that I love and who loves me for me and that was the end of it. Our society is more and more open to gay people and you should not feel like a freak for that. You are not a freak, you are a beautiful person who knows what he wants and that's a lot more than most people who could be judging you. So keep that in mind, you shouldn't feel bad for something that you didn't choose, would you feel bad if you had red hair or green eyes? Probably not because that's the way you would be.
I truly hope I helped you a bit and that you will realize that it doesn't make you a weirdo but just a happy human being who enjoys being himself and not live a lie for everyone else.
Thank You Mary123 for your wonderful response. I appreciate you being so kind to me, and even telling me a bit about yourself.
Now, you told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a freak, but I just can't. Me being the first real gay kid in my family, only adds more to me thinking that. I mean, what's wrong with me? Having a liking towards other males? When I was younger, I was always told that a man should be with a woman, and I've always believed it. Hey, even the Bible tells us that, with Adam and Eve being the first humans to even take a liking towards each other. Adam, a male, and Eve, a female. It's all around us, male and female relationships, I see it all the time. Yet, I don't see many male and male relationships, or female and female relationships. I've been told that male and female relationships are what makes the world a normal place. But, for me, I'm not like that. And it doesn't feel good.
That's why I'm afriad to tell my family about my sexuality. That's why I've kept it a secret, and let it build up inside me, covering it up from the outside, yet having it destroy me. I don't even know where or how to even bring up the topic to them. No one knows yet, besides you who are reading this, not even my best friend, who is the only one that I can talk to at school. I hate to talk, especailly about my sexuality, because it makes me uncomfortable. And I'm just too afraid to let it out in the open. Too afraid of how everyone will take it, and how they will treat me afterward. So i don't when I'll tell, if I ever do tell them.
About a month ago, this topic scared me so much, that instead of talking to either of my parents about it, I decided to take a few dozen pills from inside my cupboard, and I swallowed them. I tried committing suicide because I'm too afraid to speak my mind, and share with the world that I'm gay. That I'm just some freak! It didn't work, as you can plainly see. Threw them up at 4 in the morning the next day - no one found out though. I'd do it again, if I didn't already know that I'd just throw them back up. So instead, I've stopped eating. Lost almost 10 pounds in about week or so. I do eat Dinner with my family, but very little.
I'm sorry... I just can't help myself from apologizing. Talking about my life, to you guys who I don't even care, and who don't even know me.
Anyway, Thanks again Mary...