Trying to understand him
A few months back my husband had this female co-worker with whom he would work closely with everyday and would even request to work with her from his supervisors, when I became suspicious of the situation and started to question him. He said it was nothing and only a coincidence that he would work with her often that he had nothing to do with it. Other people told me different. He told me that I had nothing to worry about because she had a boyfriend on shift which I found to be true. After months of this she left to go to another department somewhere away from him, I felt so relieved. Today he left 2 get a haircut before work. Went to barbershop on work site, well as I headed to work and passed by this barber shop I saw my husband and her talking, of course I got mad as I drove up she got into her car and drove away I questioned him about it he said it was innocent that she was driving by saw him and stopped to say hi. I don't understand why there no longer Co workers what do they have to talk about??? Well all of this turned into a argument between us a heated one, and as always when he gets mad he said he didn't care cause he plans to leave me anyways. Which is something he has been telling for probably 2 yrs. What should I do? He says he doesn't cheat and I should not accuse him of it till I caught him, there seems to be a lot shady Ness going on.
"A few months back my husband had this female co-worker with whom he would work closely with everyday and would even request to work with her from his supervisors, when I became suspicious of the situation and started to question him. He said it was nothing and only a coincidence that he would work with her often that he had nothing to do with it"
This was me many year ago, one year into my marriage.
My wife had told me a number of times before her new job started, that she was only going to be working at this place for one year, because it was too far away (25 miles), and she would be getting a job in our town after one year.
Near the end of that one year, she said she was going to cont. working at that far away place because she liked the people that worked there. As soon as the job ended for the first year, and they got a break before starting back, she told me she was going to get contact lenses, instead of wearing glasses.
Well, I had dated her six years and she never once mentioned she just had to have contact lenses. So, she's now saying, only a year after we get married, she has to have contact lenses? I thought people might do that when they were getting into the courtship phases of their life.
But a year after marriage, there's someone she's trying to impress? Right after she's told me she's going to cont. working at this faraway locale? I protested, but to no avail.
Seven years later, she informs that a colleague she works with, and had been bragging on for years, has quit the company for a job nearer to our hometown, and she's going to quit, also.
Well, it's kinda obvious. We had a young child and were buying a house, so it wasn't an easy situation. I stuck it out because of the child and buying the house and finances in general, with 2 paychecks under one roof being better than 2 paychecks under 2 roofs, but I can tell you it was rough.
So, my mind wouldn't let me figure out what was going on, for it wanted to help me. I've read captives agree with their captors for survival purposes. My wife was pathological, she was sexually abused, so she could attack very viciously.
She had a long term illness and passed away, and only after I came home from the funeral and my mind knew everything was OK, did it release the clamp it held on my figuring out too much, and I said, "She did have an affair."
I didn't want to live in the house with a monster, so I just didn't figure out that she did have an affair. I knew our marriage was gone, and we never ate meals in the same room, but I could not allow myself to think the worst with so much at stake.
After she passed away from a long illness, I figured out that she didn't just have one affair, she probably had about 20 or 30. I figured she had over 2,000 episodes outside the marriage, for the first 16 years of our marriage, when they ended because our child grew up enough to know what was going on.
For the next 20 years, she gave me all kinds of attacks, because the affairs had been stopped.
So, I know what you're going through.
"A few months back my husband had this female co-worker with whom he would work closely with everyday and would even request to work with her from his supervisors, when I became suspicious of the situation and started to question him. He said it was nothing and only a coincidence that he would work with her often that he had nothing to do with it. Other people told me different."
1. My wife, too, worked closely with a (male) co-worker, and your spouse said it was nothing, but "other people told (you) different."
I had one woman who I also knew and who worked with both just give me a five-second stare, which I later realized meant, "Something's going on between your wife and (Fred)." I asked another woman, who was close with "Fred," and she said "No!" but then said, "I told "Fred," "you're not the kind of person to do such things, you better stop it."
So she told me yes and no, so she could be telling me the truth (yeah they are having an affair) and protect her friend, "Fred," by saying "No!" to my question.
Well, wanting to know the answer and not wanting to know, it just sent my mind in the same confused state that it was. Or, I could choose which one I wanted, based on what was best for me, not the truth.
I also did the same with my wife's denials: If it was best for me to believe the denials, I would.
You said, "He also told me that I had nothing to worry about because she had a boyfriend on shift which I found to be true."
I told this same woman above my wife and this guy and had the same lunchbreak time, and they would eat lunch together. She told me that was not true. I know for a fact it was true, that they did eat lunch together. So, I'm saying, these "explanations" that nothing could be going on, are not always true.
You said, "Well all of this turned into a argument between us a heated one, and as always when he gets mad he said he didn't care cause he plans to leave me anyways."
When my wife told me she was quitting the same workplace that "Fred" had just quit, I said, "I don't believe it," or something like that and she said, "If this is upsetting to you, why don't you just LEAVE!!!!!!"
Except, we had a small child and were buying a house, and she wanted all of that, and didn't want to leave, either. So we were pretty well stuck.
Now, I could have left, but I didn't want our child to grow up with only 1 parent, and I didn't want to leave my half of the house. So we had a horrible marriage for 29 years, never eating in the same room when our son was not in the house.
She was supposed to stand over my death bed, and wreak havoic on me. But she got a long term illness, and I, ironically enough, was the only one in the room when she was dying. How ironic is that?
I wasn't glad at that time, because I didn't know if I could make it on my own after she passed away. So I wasn't looking forward to that. I was nervous about it.
You say, "He says he doesn't cheat and I should not accuse him of it till I caught him, there seems to be a lot shady Ness going on."
That's pretty much what my wife would do. Since I had no proof, she would sluff it off, even though every things pointed to that. Pretty cold response from the spouse.
It turned out after she quit that place after 7 years, and in effect "getting caught" having an affair, since he quit at same time, I figured it was over. For neither had access to a phone, with the type of work they were in, and they both now worked at a different place.
I was wrong. She did have a phone. Our home phone. She got off work at 3 and he did too. So he could call her before I got home from work at 5 or 6. Turned out, about 10 other guys could call her at the same time.
Plus, she could meet them at a motel from 3:30 to almost 5, and be home before I got home. The times I was home and she came in late, she would say, "I had to go to the grocery store," or 3 or 4 other places she would name. But why did all those places have her coming home at the same time, 5 p.m.? because that's how long it took her to have sex, and get home from the motel, about an hour and 15 minutes.
Another point. I was watching a TV show about a mass murderer and they asked his wife, did she know? he said no. She said, "He would call and say he would be late getting home because he had to go by the junk yard and get a part for a car he was fixing."
She said when he got home, she would ask him, "Did you get the part for the car?" And he would say, "No, they didn't have it." So in other words, he wasn't at the junk yard, and he had the perfect alibi.
It then hit me that my wife had a ready reply should I ask her, "Where are the groceries and the receipt?" She would have said, "I don't have that, because they didn't the items I was looking for."
I'm including a column on being positive below to try to partly calm your shaky nerves.
Are their children involved?
If not, a song by Simon and Garfingle about "50 ways to leave your lover" goes:
"Just slip out the back, Jack."
"Jump on the bus, Gus."
"Don't be coy, Roy."
If there is a child, it could be more difficult.
Try to stay positive. One thing, this is him doing this, not you.
He's the SOB, you're the good one, and yet he's portaryiny himself as the strong one for cheating. He's not.
If you can get away from that situation maybe you should.
Individual (male or female counselor, as you choose) or group therapy are possibilities.
I went to al-anon for spouses or friends of alcoholics, and it helped me. You don't have to be close friends of the alcoholic, if just know someone who has a drinking or drug problem ( don't know the name of the drug group), you can go to those group meetings.
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.
So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
'Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”