Boyfriend lied about prior 'relationship'
I recently found out my boyfriend of 14 months has lied about a previous 'relationship'. I put it in quotes as I'm not really sure what to call it... He says it wasn't anything proper. Anyway, here's the story...
Shortly into our relationship I found out he'd had a female work colleague living with him about a year before we met. She'd been self-harming and he said he was trying to look out for her, as he thought she didn't really have anyone. I asked him if they'd had anything other than a friendship at the time and he said no. I've since found out that's not true and he was sleeping with her when she lived there (for about three months, I'm told). He says he basically saved her life, as he found her cutting herself with his knives on numerous occasions. She's also 12 years younger than him - he was 34 at the time. When I first met him, I found recent texts on his phone between them - things like him saying he missed having her in the house - that was what initially prompted me to ask who she was. He says now he lied as he was ashamed and it was nothing really. He'd just broken up with someone when she moved in (who had lived there with him too).
He says he's sorry he lied, and wants us to get past it.
So now I not only have trust issues with him, but I'm questioning the character of a man who behaved that way with someone clearly mentally ill and so young...
Am I over-reacting??
Some people will judge your BF for his actions with this girl, who had/has personal issues, 'caring' for her regardless of the age difference and the fact that he was sleeping with her. Only your BF and this girl can explain why it happened the way it did.
Regardless, the problem here is that he lied to you and this should be your issue with him. You're correct when you state that you now have trust issues with him but ask yourself why you found texts on his phone when you guys first were together...what prompted you to find these texts? You shouldn't need to check his phone if you trusted him 100% initially.
As for his character, you have been with him for the past 14 months and should have a good idea as to what sort of a guy he really is by now. What happened has happened in the past and it's clear that your BF needs it left in the past, his shame tells you this, but your challenge is to decide if you can leave it in the past or is his lying to you about it, the main issue for you.
On one hand, morals are having a say, while on the other hand, trust is now a real issue in your relationship because of his lack of honesty...because of a shameful event in his past. You need to choose a partner who shares your morals and standards but be wary of judging a person with whom you share your life with solely because of their past.
One thing I didn't mention is that she has recently felt compelled to vent her anger at him by setting up a fake online profile in his name basically saying really awful things about his personality - this is how I found out he had slept with her.
I can't stop thinking about how young she was, I feel like he took advantage of her, and then knew he'd done wrong so lied to me about it... I also found out from her fake profile that he cheated on a previous girlfriend - not something I would ever have thought him capable of either... He has admitted it's true and he'd told her about it.
Any ideas? Can we get past something like this or do I simply need to move on?
Women like to go out with stud guys, and have a great sex life. But that can be a double-edge sword. If he likes sex with his girlfriend, it makes sense that he likes to have sex with other women.
Of course, the alternative is go curl up in a ball.
My girlfriend really liked sex and that's one of the things I liked about her. I was sexually abused and she was too, so wild sex was very important to us.
When we got married, she had sex outside of the marriage in about a month after we got married, and had it over 2,000 times in 16 years, by my calculations with probably 30 or more different guys.
So marrying someone who loved sex was the downfall of our marriage.
The main guy she had sex with was married, so that gave me something to worry about concerning her morals. You worry about his former girlfriend's age of 22, and the fact that she had emotional problems.
So where do you get off the merry-go-round? Date guys who like sex, and they will have sex with others. Me, to date a girl who liked sex caused me problems. How do you cure that? I don't know.
Oh, having sex with a woman who had emotional problems, does have its drawbacks, like your bf's former girlfriend who now puts his name on a fake Facebook account. Dating girls who were sexually abused is not good, either, for when they get mad, they do really bad things, which is sort of payback for taking advantage of a girl who has emotional problems.
It can be good, easy, fun sex, but it comes with a price. The married man my wife had sex with could have lost his job, a good marriage, everything for some easy sex with a woman who was sexually abused.
He was taking more chances than he knew. Your 32 year old boyfriend is finding out what it's like to take advantage of a 22 year old who cuts. She'll spill the beans all over town, attacking your boyfriend at his first discretion, because he is a male, and it was probably a male who abused her as a child, is my guess, if she has that many problems.
I had a sex abused woman come after me as a single male, but you know they live to tear down males, since it was a male who abused them, so you have to stay away from that invitation to a swell time, for it is anything but. They first have to have sex with you, which they learned young, so they can then destroy you, with them enjoying both.
He could have helped her but not slept with her. Making sure she's keeping her appointments, taking her medicine. But to sleep with a mentally ill person is an invitation to disaster, perhaps to all parties, as she, herself, and you and your boyfriend are finding out.
You said he stated, "She'd been self-harming and he said he was trying to look out for her, as he thought she didn't really have anyone."
"Treating" a mentally ill person with sex is not the "therapy" a 22-year-old woman needs. She needs to know she's loved for herself, not for her body, and he was doing just the opposite for his own benefit. Sick.
One, it's not good for then mentally ill person who can't handle such sex, with no real commitment to it.
Two, it's messed up your boyfriend and his relationship with you, a legitimate girlfriend (plus his being attacked on facebook, or some such media).
Three, it's hurt you, and your relationship with your boyfriend.
See? See how it works? There is no such thing as free sex, and your boyfriend is finding it out.
Sex abuse reverberates throughout the generations.