Sexless relationship? Start affair?
i have been I. A relationship for 15 years. We have a lovely life independently and together. We have many hobbies and interests shared and of our own. We are young fit and healthy and take pride in ourselves but we just don't have sex. We last had sex in spring and before that probably the previous summer. I don't want to live a sexless existence. I have spoke. To my OH about this, but this does not seem to bother him and he kind of brushes the problem away, with it will come back in good time. I have asked to go to counseling but he does not believe in this. I am now on the verge of going and getting it elsewhere to fulfil the part of my relationship I am missing.
Does your husband know about this? You said, "I have spoke to my OH about this, but this does not seem to bother him. "
OH meaning, "other half"? You've spoken to him about having sex outside the marriage, or about the problem?
My wife had, by my figuring, over 2,000 outside of the marriage sexual episodes, and it didn't bother her, but improved her life. It improved her marriage to me, because during that time, she would tell me, sometimes twice a day, "I love you!!!"
She would say that with so much enthusiasm that I couldn't figure out what that was, especially the 2nd time she said it in 15 minutes. Hers was a special situation. She was sexually abused at 5, and the trauma divided her ego, with what was left of her self ono one side, and the trauma on the other side, divided by a wall.
She stayed an a emotional 5-year-old. It turned her into a sexual machine, not just with me, but probably with 30 other guys in the first 16 years of our marriage. She had no problem with it. She loved it.
It was OK with me, because I didn't know about it for the first 7 years. When I found out, it turned our marriage very bad for the last 29 years.
That's why I'm asking, does your husband know about this? Does he approve? If he does, will he be able to handle it when you come in the door, from, the grocery store, of course?
It sound like you have spoken to him about the problem, but about the problem of no sex. But you haven't spoken to him about going out and finding sex. So how are you going to deal with that side of the issue, and how is he going to deal with it if he finds out? What is going to happen to your marriage if he finds out?
My wife needed outside sex for she was like two people. One who needed high-level sex with new partners an hour or two or three a week, and one who needed to fill the other 200 hours a week in a steady relationship. She needed both. Of course, she had a mental illness which allowed that, but which could also increase the chances of both those worlds to come crumbling down, which it did.
Having outside sex does seem like a solution, but it also brings extra problems, perhaps greater than the original problem. I know of a couple who, the husband encouraged his wife to swing with him. Finally she did, and they had sex in their house with another couple.
The next night, the wife gets dressed and is going out. Her husband asked her where's she's going. She says, she's going out with the guy she had sex with the previous night. She then said, "You got me started!" and walked out the door. And she was raised in the church.
Somewhere I heard of another couple where the husband encouraged the wife to have sex with someone he knew, and she eventually did that, and fell for the new guy and lost interest in her husband.
What are you going to do if you lose interest in your husband? What if you can't stand the sight of him? What about all the hobbies and other interests you used to have together? What if that goes away, and one or two hours a week, you have sex with this other guy, and the other 200 hours a week at home is a nightmare?
What if it's a nightmare because your husband finds out, and highly disapproves, or because you become dissatisfied with your husband, or both?
So, are you going to tell your husband? If you do, he might object and try to stop it. If you don't, he might find out and cause huge problems in the marriage. It's tough either way.
Can you try other forms of sex, like mutual masturbation, vibrators. Does he enjoy watching you do that kind of sex to completion, or he doesn't want any form of sex? Does he masturbate? He gets no pleasure out of you having pleasure? He's absolutely numb to your having fun? He doesn't care if you suffer or not, as long as he doesn't have to leave his hobbies?
You said he was a caring type of guy. Where? How? What if you said, we might have to talk about divorce if you don't help me have some form of sex? Would that upset him, or would he still be at his hobbies? What is it, model cars?
What about divorce? Of course, you're going to get a husband who screws around on you, but hey, the one you have now doesn't screw at all. Take your choice.
In other words, I don't know what you should do.
I am in the same boat,and we've been together for 10 yrs....I am so tired of being ignored. We have sex maybe once every 4 to 6 months and it last for a few seconds. I need more, I don't want to be with anyone else but I'm fed up. He had an affair with a much older woman "same age as my mom" even though he has low T and is always to tired for me...the affair lasted for a while without me knowing but he confessed. It's been almost 1.5 yrs and I'm trying to fix it but don't think I can.
Do you have kids? We do or I would have left already. It's hard to say but 15 yrs is a long time to be ignored, I would have to say finding someone else at this point is the way to go, life is to short, if you don't have kids in would have the affair or leave
Well, it's a shame he doesn't believe in counselling because right now, counselling certainly believes in him! What is he - insane? He thinks marriage (15 years is a marriage, make no bones about it) can be healthy and last despite devoid of a significant feature? That, someone should tell him, makes what you have a FRIENDSHIP (the type that features an occasional drunken sh*g out of abstinence-based, biological-driven desperation in the face of opportunism only), considering the whole physical aspect of a relationship is, after all, what distinguishes between normal friendship and ROMANCE.
So if he's saying the fact you and he are 99% just friends isn't a problem for him then what he's saying is, he doesn't care that you two don't have a romance to speak of ergo, by the same token, doesn't WANT a romance. Or doesn't want one with you (but does want the rest of the package). BERBOM.
It may WELL come back in good time but - where's your proof or even indication of that? Why do you have to demonstrate blind faith whilst he won't even do what is in his full power to do (go to counselling with you)? Why is it he thinks he can plod on merrily whilst you yourself have to 50% of the time writhe on the floor in agony? Is that how a one team member behaves towards the other? That's like one work partner not minding that he's on a lower salary than the other, simply because his monthly outgoings are SIGNIFICANTLY less than hers, when, realistically, once you deduct HER regular monthly outgoings, he has FAR more disposable income month-by-month than her, I.E., she in effect is the pauper of the pair.
How selfish and self-centred! But is it wanton selfishness or just in-effect (say, because he has some as yet untreated libido-destroying medical condition)?
Or (sorry, but it's something you need to consider), has his libido been getting sated by someone else, and you just don't know about it? That could certainly explain everything, couldn't it?
First, however, I'd echo Susiedqqq's salient two questions. Plus mine: do you have kids? RSvP.
No, do NOT lower yourself by having an affair. Why should you?! Why should you permanently destroy your to-date good opinion of yourself just because this man is being unfair and/or underhanded and failing to protect or enhance your welfare in accordance with the tacit, serious relationship contract?
Regardless of those questions, it's put your foot down time: "Houston, we have a serious problem which I or anyone sane in my position would want sorted, particularly as there ARE tools, whether psychological or physical/medical, for doing so for the easy taking - couples counselling OR you consulting your doctor (or better yet, both). If, therefore, you continue to refuse to join me in seeking this proposed, no-brainer remedy, I will be forced to take your refusal as your way of telling me you no longer want to be in this relationship."
Of course, he might just be too embarrassed to seek outside intervention. But he simply can't afford to be. Otherwise, let's hope he and his embarrassment live happily ever after, shall we?!
PS: And PJVL9 made an excellent point as well: If you start an illicit romance you're liable to in time grow so attached that you end up marrying a man who thinks it's no great shakes to cheat on ones *wife* - which by then will be *you*. You sans a sufficient leg to stand on in terms of mounting any protests and delivering any ultimatums. Whereas (*if* this can't be sorted), if you pairbond from a state of fairly brief singledom with a likewise single man (with morals and integrity), you won't spend the rest of your life looking through drawers, wallets and suit pockets and never knowing which way is Up.
Cheating is a slippery slope thus a hidden form of self-harm (but which takes other down with you). Don't do it - it's no solution.