Marriage falling apart
I don't know where to start. I've been married 5 1/2 years. My marriage started off rough we were young I was 17 when I got married. Since then things have been rough & only gotten worse with time. Day in and day out I get told how lazy I am and how I'm a bad mother & wife. I've prayed and prayed for things to change & to get better and we may have a few weeks that are good but as soon as something sets my husband off I get put down again and again. I could tell story after story about all the horrible things that have been said to me but at this point I'm just looking for advice about what to do I've lost all faith about my marriage working because I know things won't change. I just need a friend to talk to & help me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
You do sound like you're in a tough situation, and I'm glad you reached out for help.
Your husband sounds like he has a negative attitude that he probably learned as a child, from a parent criticizing him.
He man not now it, but it can be affecting your child, and will one day. For a start, maybe ask him not to be negative towards you or anything else around the child.
You can print out and ask him to read the column on being positive when trying to solve a problem that is included below. I hope you'll read it, also, and hopefully it will help you.
I know it helped me. I had a negative unconscious, and couldn't figure out why I had such a hard time solving problems. It was because my neg. unconscious, which I couldn't see, kept tripping me up, kept negating any solution my conscious came up with when trying to solve a problem.
I also have some sayings below which have helped me. One is:
“And you’ll find that you’ll recover from fate’s hardest slam, if you never say die, say damn.”
Your Present Situation is Not Your Final Destination
by Kevin Ngo
-- Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.
--If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill
“I shall pass through this world but once. If therefore, there be any good thing I can do, or any kindness I can show, let me do it now. let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning.
One of my favorites is:
--The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning.
While he is not treating you right, you have we have to look at ourselves, also. You might have to start looking at how you can get out of this situation, rather than curling up in a ball and taking it.
Do you have the education to get a job? I know being a housewife is a job, and I'm not suggesting you quit taking care of your child during the day, but is there a way you can improve your education to get a job.
Do you have enough education to get a job you like now?
Don't simply be content to look at all of his negatives, start looking for a way to get out, such as education, job, counseling, etc.
You don't have to just sit there. You also don't have to let him be negative toward your child. In private, ask him to quit belittling your child.
Then ask him not to belittle you. Ask him what constructive criticism he might have, and discuss the complaints. But that you don't need constant general complaints. Ask him why he never compliments you. If he says he does, tell him his complaints outnumber his compliments 10 or 20 to 1. Ask him what kind of ratio that is.
A three pronged attack: 1. stand up for your child. 2. stand up for yourself 3. improve your education or look into getting a job.
That way, if he doesn't improve, you will be in a better position to leave by having a good education and or job.
You can use his constant criticisms as a grounds for divorce. You can get him to pay child support. Get a lawyer. Free ones might be available by looking on the search engine for "free lawyer" in "your town."
Also look on net for "grounds for divorce" and see what it says.
Can you get someone to take care of your child while you add to your education or get a job?
Think positive. Think of some of these things I've talked about and try to think of some of your own.
You can improve this situation.
I have a neighbor who has been harassing me for the past 3 years. He has an anger personality disorder.
About 3 weeks ago, he came onto my property and busted my car's front windshield on the far right lower side. Did I just curl up in a ball? No.
I got in touch with a private detective agency about 2 months ago (prior to the windshield situation), and told the assistant private detective there about the situation of this guy harassing me. He basically laughed in my face. Did I curl up in a ball? No.
When the above windshield event happened a month later I'll say, I called up the same agency and asked for an appointment with the actual private detective himself. I told this guy the situation, and he basically laughed in my face louder than his assistant.
Did I curl up in a ball? No.
I went home and in a few days or so got on the search engine and typed "private detective" for "my home town."
There were about 15 of them. Who's in control now? The wise-guy private detectives or me? Me.
I went through the list and called my first choice. She basically laughed in my face, and said to call back in a week. I called back in a week, and she basically laughed in my face again and said to call back in two days.
Did I curl up in a ball? No.
I went back to my list, called another private eye but the number was busy for a couple of hours. Did I curl up in a ball? No.
I went back to my list, somewhat dazed, but still determine to get all of these son of a bitches. Didn't know what agency of now about 8 or 10 on my list. Picked one somewhat close to me, having no clue if these people knew what they were dong or not, or if they would help me,
The nicest woman in the world answered the phone. Forget...all...of...those...son...of...a...bitches.
I told her my problem and she sounded reassuring. Forget...all...of...those...son...of...a...bitches.
I asked her if her group was legit, and she said the head detective was a former member of our state's investigative agency. Yeah, I'll take some of that. She said he would call me back.
He called me back. I told him my story. He said, "Add a video camera so that it shows your car. Get a motion detector spotlight pointed toward your car, so that if he attacks again at night, the light and the camera will hopefully show who it is near your car in the middle of the night."
He said do that before we knock on his door to ask him and his neighbors questions, so in case he retaliates we hopefully can get him on video tape.
That's better than being laughed at in my face, isn't it, like those other individuals?
Did I quit? No. Did I curl up in a ball? Did I stop with those son of a bitches laughing in my face? No.
Do I feel a lot better about stopping that son of a bitch neighbor? Yeah.
How's the neighborhood bully going to stand up against an improved surveillance system, and a private detective at his door, and then going to his next door neighbors asking if they've had any trouble with this guy?
Not too well.
So, I'm saying, stand up to the son of a bitches. They're not so big, they're just tall, and that's all.
Here are some more sayings, and then more data below that:
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. –Chinese Proverb
-- I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. –Stephen Covey
The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
“If not this, what? If not us, who? If not now, when?”
~ Kennedy, John F. ~
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller.
--Ships are safe in the harbor, but that’s not what they’re made for.
I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time – Charlie Brown
"You'll Never Walk Alone"
(get tune from “melodies” on search engine)
When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark
Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk, you'll never walk alone
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.
So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
"Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”