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Getting married in 4 days and feeling blue...

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Relationship advice I'm getting married in 4 days to an overall wonderful guy. I love him very much, but I'm sad right now when I shouldn't be.
A year ago, after we became engaged, he allowed me to quit my job to pursue a career in real estate. He's been very supportive and has backed me financially. Real estate is my passion. I was an agent years ago and loved it, but was forced to get out when the market crashed. Last year, we both noticed that our local market was improving significantly and spoke with other agents who gave positive feedback. So it was decided that I could dive back in and finally get my dream job back. I have worked incredibly hard at it and have also managed to plan our wedding completely by myself. Needless to say, I've been super busy this year.

The only part my fiance has played in wedding planning is giving the Okay on prices and helping budget for it. I always sought his approval before making purchases or deposits for our wedding. We are both pleased with the wedding plans. It's a small wedding because that is what the budget he gave me allowed for. I'm okay with that since he's been backing my career while I work to try and make it successful. We are paying for our wedding and honeymoon ourselves, and the total cost combined is around $13,000. That includes everything, even our rings. I tried very hard to resist temptations and not spend very much.
I've only sold 4 properties this year, which has caused me a lot of stress, given how hard I've worked. It's not as easy as it used to be, but I have been persistent and determined all along.
Now that final installments need to be made for our big day, my fiance is upset with me for not being as successful with real estate at this point and wants me to find a new job. We've been fighting over money a lot lately because he says I haven't made enough and that I'm spending too much. I am just finishing the final touches and payments of the wedding I planned with his prior approval and now, the week of the wedding, he tells me to quit my dream job for something that pays weekly. He doesn't care what job, just anything. I've made $24,000 this year and about $8000 went into business expenses so I completely understand his frustration. I'm frustrated too... But I hate that he's making me give up after one year and making me feel so little. I feel like a burden to him. He makes good money and owns a successful company with his family who still spoils him with material things. His family is very wealthy so he grew up with a different lifestyle. He has expensive hobbies and toys. He has a race car and lives for that thing. It's very time consuming and expensive, although he'll argue and say it's not. He's been in control of the finances the past year since "I don't make any money" and when I do get a commission check, I sign it over to him.

If we didn't have a wedding to pay for, he wouldn't be so upset with me, but he's blaming it on my career that he once supported. I don't want to throw in the towel just yet but he's made it clear that I have to.
I'm feeling sad that I have to quit, but also sad that he's done this the week of our wedding and wondering how he will be once we're married. I signed a prenup at his request because he has assets and I don't. I'm starting to wonder if money is more important to him than our relationship. And for the record, we are not struggling financially and I just closed on two properties yesterday. I'm paying for the remainder of the wedding myself, but I think he feels that we're not financially equal so no matter what I pay for, he's not happy.
What should I do?

Getting married in 4 days and feeling blue...

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Firstly Jocelyn, thank you for finding the courage to open up about your situation. It isn't always an easy thing to do, but the act of talking about it is in itself cathartic!

With the wedding so close, it may not be the best time to talk about something as important as your career path, especially given your fiancé's recent objection. A wedding is stressful enough, and you have put a great amount of time and money into planning this special day. The last thing you want is to have a fight in the few days before and ruin what should be a magical moment for both of you. On this note, do you think it would be better to ask your fiancé to put a pin in this discussion, until after the wedding has passed?

If, however, you feel that this may change your decision in wanting to marry him, you should talk to him before. Is he approachable? Can you sit down and talk to him openly about how you feel about pursuing your dream job, and how much it hurts you that he has suddenly changed his mind in supporting you for this path? I don't want to judge, but it seems he may be a little on the materialistic side. If chasing your dream job was causing you to suffer financially, it would be one thing - but if you are truly financially stable, there is less pressure on you to find something that pays.

Do the two of you budget together? As I understand, he has been in control of the finances - but do the two of you sit down and see exactly where all of your money is going? He says you are "spending too much" - why does he feel this way? Is it possible he feels he is solely responsible for financial necessities (i.e. bills) while you are free to spend your money on whatever you want? Is there open communication on funds obtained and funds spent?

If you feel this is something that can wait to be discussed, you may want to wait until after the wedding to talk about it. If, however, you think this will drive a wall between you and him, you may want to talk about it before the wedding. But you should try as much as possible to find a good time to sit down with him and talk about this. At a glance, it feels like he resents you for not making much money, and it feels like you will resent him for making you quit your dream job... And, of all things that make marriages successful, resentment is not one of them. :/

Personally I feel you need to tell him how you feel about your dream job and how his change of heart to support you is hurting you. And I feel you also need to listen to him about why he has had the change of heart; if it is purely financial (i.e. he only supported you in the first place because he thought you would make money), then you have to really ask him what is more important: having money, or being happy?

It is important though, that you should not have to choose between your partner or your deepest desires. You should not have to sacrifice your dream job (within reason; for example, it may not be realistic to stay home 24/7 and write fiction because you want to be a novelist, and consequently end up starving because you don't have the means to feed yourself). I wish you the best of luck. I hope that this does not derail your wedding and your relationship! Take care. x

Getting married in 4 days and feeling blue...

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"I signed a prenup at his request because he has assets and I don't."

You did WHAT?! Oh, good grief, what were you thinking!

This is a giant Red flag and all-round marital No-No. "...and with all my worldly goods I thee endow". Man hunter-provider, woman nester. That's how nature wired us, which NO man-made "ism" can cast asunder (until such ancient wiring gets naturally superseded), and for very good- nay, VITAL reasons. Reasons you CLEARLY haven't thought ahead to! ...Unless you've decided (using a crystal-ball to see your future self) never to have kids, and would be comfortable forever in a Master-Servant set-up?

Aside from to legally protect your future kids in case divorce should ever result, the POINT of sharing all worldly goods, legally making them the equal possession of both parties, is SO THAT the relationship starts off with, materially and psychologically, equal rights and powers for both (with no jealousies and resentments) and hence sets the scene required for lasting-ness.

CANCEL THE WEDDING! Or refuse to go ahead unless he rips up the prenup. If he's not ready to share total worldly goods, now and until your dying days (particularly as no-one can say you won't, say, win the lottery one day), then he's not ready to get married, BERBOM!

The rest, including having to hand over your commission cheque, is just yet more symptoms of this whole underlying, ANTI-SHARING, ANTI-MARITAL attitude of his. All perks and (relatively speaking, considering the size of his wealth thus the differing values of money to each of you) too little work for him -v- too much work and very little perks for you.

Not
a
marriage.

*Already*.

If he WANTS to play banker & loan customer, he should open up a bank and leave you out of it! This is supposed to be a MERGING of two people into one, equal sided unit, an affair predominantly of the heart (and all hearts are equal). Same rights, same powers, same privileges (whether or not it involves bartering to keep the giving & receiving scales balanced because you can't exchange like for exact like), same disposable income - all round SAME STATUS.

What, in effect, you're saying up there is this: I'm nowhere NEAR a gold-digger and yet that's exactly how he's consistently treating me and intends (with legal backing!) to continue always treating me. Well, if you're not - which evidence clearly supports - then WHY IS HE?

Answer: he has a giant chip on his spoiled-baby shoulder. Probably attracted "friends" who were only ever after his money. Well, that doesn't mean YOU should pay/suffer endless loss for their sins, does it.

Getting married in 4 days and feeling blue...

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If your idea of marital bliss is to fiddle away in a meaningless job while your husband pays cash for a set of racing tires and some Regal Ride shocks, you’ve found the right guy. Or, in this case, the right racing car, for that’s going to be more important in your marriage than your toiling away in some meaningless job.

He’s committed you to serfdom, and you’re sitting around scratching your head as to if that’s a good deal. Oh, sweetheart, we’ve got some work to do here.

1. You say, “He has expensive hobbies and toys. He has a race car and lives for that thing. It's very time consuming and expensive.” But he can’t afford to let you work for another year or two in your dream job? He lives for his dreams, but you shouldn’t live for yours. Or, he lives for his dreams, and you live for what he tells you to live for. Tell him to sell the race car if things get tight.

2. You say, “I'm feeling sad that I have to quit, but also sad that he's done this the week of our wedding and wondering how he will be once we're married.”
Oh, key sentence. A sign of life. We got a live one over here. I thought this one was DOA, as far as your concerns that this might be a risky situation for you.

3. You say, “I signed a prenup at his request because he has assets and I don't. I'm starting to wonder if money is more important to him than our relationship.”

Another sign of life here, but yet, he would have to do that because his company may be worth $2 million, and you’re worth a buck 75, and you could be married to him a year and ask for half of his wealth, although marriage partners get to keep what they brought into the marriage, I’ve heard. But there are cases where the wife gets half, maybe she worked 20 years in the business, and now it’s worth $4 million. To be technical, you should get your lawyer, to make you aren’t being cheated.

4. . You say, “And for the record, we are not struggling financially and I just closed on two properties yesterday. I'm paying for the remainder of the wedding myself, but I think he feels that we're not financially equal so no matter what I pay for, he's not happy. “

With his and his family’s wealth, he should be paying for the wedding. If his family sits back and watches you squirm financially for the wedding, you’re getting an idea of what their DNA is. Hey, sweetheart, it’s bad.

5. You say, “But I hate that he's making me give up after one year and making me feel so little. I feel like a burden to him.” Did you say, he’s “making you feel little?” That’s an issue in itself that seems to be getting lost here, what with all of his greed.

6. You say, “He makes good money and owns a successful company with his family who still spoils him with material things.” “Spoiled,” did you say “spoiled?” And you’re still standing there wondering what it’s going to be like when you marry this kid, I mean, this guy.
To his family, “Little Johnny” is their only concern, and he’s learned from them to be his only concern. Read your own words and get the heck out of there.

7. His family is very wealthy so he grew up with a different lifestyle. He has expensive hobbies and toys. He has a race car and lives for that thing. It's very time consuming and expensive, although he'll argue and say it's not.

If he and his family can afford all of this, to try and kick you out of job you love, so “Little Johnny” can put a new engine in the race car, you’re not in the same league with his hobbies.

Yeah, he has a lot of money, but you aren’t going to get any of it.

I would at least postpone the wedding and tell him you have some things to think about. Getting your lawyer to approve the prenup, for one thing, and many, many others.

OK, here’s a song somebody wrote for you, it sounds like.

It’s called “Silver Threads and Golden Needles.” It’s got a beautiful tune, which appears on some of the websites where the lyrics for the song are given, as posted below. So listen to the song if you can, it’s beautiful. You can also find the 6 or so basic cords to the song by typing in the song title and "cords," I guess. Get someone who plays the guitar, even if they only know the some 6 basic cords, and sing it to you.

Tell me if it applies to anyone you know.

Silver Threads and Golden Needles

I don't want your lonely mansion
With a tear in every room
I just want the love you promised
Beneath the halo'd moon

But you think I should be happy
With your money and your name
And pretend that I don't notice
While you play your cheatin' games

Silver threads and golden needles
Can't patch up this heart of mine
And I never drown my sorrow
In the warm glow of your wine

You can't buy my love with money
For I never was that kind
Silver threads and golden needles
Can't patch up this heart of mine

I grew up in in faded gingham
Where love is a sacred thing
You grew up in silk and satin
Where love is a passin' game

I know now you never loved me
And I know I was the fool
To think your cry would let you
Live by the golden rule

Silver threads and golden needles
Can't patch up this heart of mine
And I never drown my sorrow
In the warm glow of your wine

You can't buy my love with money
For I never was that kind
Silver threads and golden needles
Can't patch up this heart of mine

Songwriters
REYNOLDS, DICK / RHODES, JACK


________________________________________

Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.

When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.

This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.

So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again and again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.

Here's the col. below.
___________________________________________________

by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994

“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.

“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:

"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."

“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”

“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”

“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”

“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”

“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”

“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”

“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”

“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.

“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.

“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “

“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”

“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”

"Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”

Getting married in 4 days and feeling blue...

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Something's not right here: a wealthy man from a wealthy family complains because $13,000 is being spent on his wedding? Where is HIS contribution to the union?

He refuses to take care of you, even when you are trying very hard in a volatile economy?

Perhaps he is not what he seems.

You need to talk to someone about your interests before agreeing to this pre-nup. It all just does not sound right.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

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