To divorce or not to divorce (feeling guilty)
I have never posted on a message board before in my life, at least not one that isn't work related. I'm a pretty private person, I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this but I think that people generally tend to speak their mind on these types of sites and that is what I am looking for.
I (female 27) am currently debating on filing for divorce from my husband (30). We have been married 3 years and together for 7 and we have NO children. We are currently going through marriage counseling, but I don't really see it going so well. Probably because my husband isn't hearing what he wants to hear and is actually hearing what I have been telling him for years.
Our problem(s): There is a small side problem that gives a little background to out large problem. This problem has been solved and I've healed for the most part. My husband used to create fake emails and fake facebook accounts to try to manipulate women in sending nudes. Yes, I am aware that this was a twisted form of getting porn and to make it worse he even attempted with some friends and family members! Not even joking on that one. They have no idea it was him and I never said anything. The first time I found out we were engaged, said he'd changed and then I find out less then a month after our wedding that he was doing it again. Why I married or even stayed married is beyond me. The hurt that came with all this was so heartbreaking. I was too embarrased to leave probably is a better reason. Either way, I stayed and I healed.
Now the MAJOR issue. Yes I have forgave him and nothing like that has happened for a long time now. However 1 of our main fights and the main reason I want a divorce is that he doesn't show me love the way I need it. The way I crave to be loved. He never has. I tell him that he should feel great about himself because I was so physically attacted and chemically attracted to him that not only did I stay but I actually married him too! I'm a very honest and open person (to him) I never hid my feelings. He's known for YEARS how I have felt and has literally done nothing to fix the problem. I made him read the 5 love languages so that he could better understand my language (romance/affirmation) and he did, but yet again did NOTHING! I have been the one that always fought for our marriage, always fought for him, always planned everything. I personally feel that he doesn't love me in that way. That he doesn't love me enough to make the sacrifice to do the things that make me feel loved. I explained to him like this so that he understood better how I felt, I said to pretend that sex was my love language and he only had sex with me 5 times in 7 years!! That is literally the amount of times he's actually done anything romantic or affirmed his love to me. Some may think that is a bit dramatic in comparison but when that is my love language and how I feel loved it's pretty accurate.
Now why I feel guilty: My husband for the most part is a pretty amazing person. I'm not going to say he's this terrible person who has put me through hell for 7 years. He's not. He would always rub my head, shoulders, or back at night. Especially because I have sleep anxiety. He cleans and cooks. Every time without me ever needing to ask. He's definitely a do-er! I completely admit that he does spoil me in that sense and I know without a doubt that if we had kids he would be an amazing father! I have told him many times when he brings up all the stuff he does, that I would 100% trade him doing th laundry for a random act of romance! I have explained to him that although I do appreciate those things and I am constantly thanking him and telling him how greatful I am, those things are not what make me feel loved! Yet explaining all of this, over and over for many years. He has still done nothing not even tried to do anything. I feel completely guilty because he IS a good husband and he does take care of me and would do everything and anything to support me and our (non-yet) children, but I want to feel loved! I feel like I'm sacrificing my heart and my desires for the things he does. Am I wrong for wanting a divorce? I feel like I may be making a mistake and never really find what I want and end up losing a man that would have been an amazing partner and father. I would say 90% of the time we're great. We're very close and he is my best friend, but I feel like he loves me like a friend (one who definitely fulfills his needs) but doesn't love me like a wife. Our whole relationship feels one sided on the love side.
Please advise :(
Wanting both barrels and no sugar-coating on the bullets, eh? That'll be me, then. ;-)
'No children' with a capital N and O, is it? Got it.
"Probably because my husband isn't hearing what he wants to hear and is actually hearing what I have been telling him for years"
How long have you been visiting a counsellor? Could he just be within a period of having to adjust his false (and bloody-minded) expectations?
Wait - I've just heard meself. Let me edit that:
How long have you been visiting a counsellor? Does the counsellor just not ever have anything handy s/he can throw at him? LOL
"Yes, I am aware that this was a twisted form of getting porn"
Twisted (very) form of getting *FREE-OF-CHARGE* porn, you mean. And a way of crying HEEEEELP, LOOK AT ME AND HOW I'M BEHAVING AND SOMEBODY (preferably wifey, which is why I'm aiming my missiles at her relatives) DOOOO SOMETHINNNGGGG...BECAUSE, MEEE, I CAN'T BE BOTHEEEEEERED!!!
"The first time I found out we were engaged, said he'd changed and then I find out less then a month after our wedding that he was doing it again....Why I married or even stayed married is beyond me."
AND me. (And me/And me/AND ME/me, too!...., yells the watching crowd.)
"I was too embarrased to leave probably is a better reason."
How ironic. Because now you're far more embarrassed than you would have been back then. Right? So what we have here, then, is the scales having tipped to where embarrassment at calling off the nuptuals or being divorced after only '5 minutes' of marriage weighs far less than embarrassment at having married a... (how do I put this politely?) (I can't, so) ...right, royal tw*t.
And no, you did *not* 'heal'.
"My husband for the most part is a pretty amazing person."
And, no he is *not*. Because - define 'amazing'. The outer layers of a human onion, including superficials like, whether or not they make you laugh, or mere (between the sheets) indicators of what things *could* be like if only their conscious selves were as 'clean' and viable as their inner animals (rather than anywhere between mildly and seriously confused/f*cked-up), are not what define whether the person is of good quality or not (including as father material in charge of young minds and bodies that, tomorrow, are going to be everyone's adults). That depends on moral core values and settings. So NOW what say you?
Me I say...
- "I'm not going to say he's this terrible person who has put me through hell for 7 years. " A man of good moral fibre, your soulmate, won't put you through *any* hell for *any* period, certainly not of his own choosing and doing. If he does make a mistake, he'll prove it by apologising and fixing it and making every endeavour not to do it again. With some really ingrained habits it might TAKE him a while, but the slow and steady progress will be clearly discernible.
- "He would always rub my head, shoulders, or back at night." So will a man with good moral fibre, whether or NOT he fancies a sh*g any time soon.
- "he doesn't show me love the way I need it". Again, a man of good moral fibre - your match - will.
- "I'm a very honest and open person". So will your match be. And you can add 'willing hence cooperative'.
- "that I would 100% trade him doing th laundry for a random act of romance!" You could have *both and no trading necessary*.
- "...but yet again did NOTHING!". Your match will do everything in his power and then some! Why? BECAUSE LOSING YOU WOULD BE INCONCEIVABLE AS WELL AS THE CONCEPT A COMPLETE ANATHEMA!
- "I have been the one that always fought for our marriage". Divorce, grieve, wait a while, then say Hello to your perfect (-for-you) match, he who does his share of everything, not just rowing the little rowboat in order that you don't both keep going round and round in circles getting dizzy and headachey.
- "always planned everything." Normal. They're men. Half of them couldn't run a bath when it comes to emotional and social management. But if the next one's your match, your counterpart, your 'you with a w*lly' - you never know! :-)
- "he doesn't love me enough to make the sacrifice to do the things that make me feel loved". Your soulmate will positively foie-gras you and even "chop off his right arm!" if that were ever absolutely called for.
- "he only had sex with me 5 times in 7 years". Your soulmate will only have sex with you as constantly as humanly and practicably possible! You just try and stop him! (although I'm betting you won't ;-))
- "Especially because I have sleep anxiety." Which, I'm betting, coincides, uncannily enough, with the time of day he likes to solicit free-of-charge nudie pictures as well as because you have no reason not to stay braced. (Yeah, I'd be a bit too tense to nod off as well, I reckon.)
- "I feel completely guilty because he IS a good husband and he does take care of me and would do everything and anything to support me and our (non-yet) children, but I want to feel loved!" No, he's not. (Wanna go 10 rounds of "is/isn't"?) A 'good husband', first and foremost, makes you feel SOOO loved that even momentarily QUESTIONING that in your head, ever, makes you instantly feel like a giant idiot. It's called, too much copious evidence to the contrary, and, I'm just having a normal, very fleeting wobble and looking for reasons to justify why I feel so upset (a normal row, probably). The rest - those outer layers and styles - are mere side-bonuses.
- "He cleans and cooks." So will your soulmate. Probably, you'll do it together because-.... what was it my soulmate said to me only this morning (based on yesterday's request not to hoover and polish the living-room because he had a headache), when I said, 'Sweetie, it's very kind of you to have offered to do it with me if I left it until today, but, don't worry - you've got your own chores to do'? Oh, yes, this (he's French, supposedly the land of the archictypical male chauvenist): "Yez, but Ah don' mind because, if we do it togezerrr eet be more fun". And no, he's not after a sh*g because he already has sh*gs aplenty.
(No, you can't have him, he's mine, you'll have to get your own. ;-p)
"I feel like I may be making a mistake and never really find what I want and end up losing a man that would have been an amazing partner and father."
"Our whole relationship feels one sided on the love side. "
Because it is.
(Are we awake yet?)
So, enough arguing against your justification attempts to just stay ("uh, too tiy-err-ed") put (- you're going to be even MORE tired if you don't get out whilst you still can. Plus, you're not NEARLY at the age where you need to start panicking, womb-wise)... ARE you going to work towards getting yourself into the position where you can get your own lovely-lovely, gorgeous, romantic, sexy, randy, sensuous, sweet, kind- and generous-hearted, hard-working, ready-willing-able massively loving and in-love man of high morals, conscientiousness and integrity?.... considering all fixing attempts, having been given AMPLE time to work, have been to zero, REPEAT, ZERO avail? Or are you going to remain married (and sleepless with no rattle) to a (clearly) not-so-distant cousin of my ex-husband?
Best male friends don't dupe their best women friends into settling for them when they already KNOW they're not the one for her, and then just because she represents a safe harbour from icky, scary REAL LOVE. Best male friends leave her be in order that she can find her perfect match and be 95% HAPPY, which means never needing moral support on a forum. Because *he's* her moral support. Diff/all the diff.
Still, time will always tell whether matey's really your best friend that should have stayed purely a best friend, won't it. And then you'll be able to stop feeling guilty, through STILL being his best friend yet not meanwhile wasting your best soulmate energy on anyone BUT.
Summary: He can't be bothered. Doesn't need to be, either.
Can you/do you?
[blows on barrels]