Hello I'm 29 have 2 beautiful children and am currently separated from my husband a bit over 2 months.. I know that we had issues we weren't perfect but I never once thought that divorce would be going on. I have been very depressed these past 2 months I can hardly get out of bed. How can I get over this when I don't want this? He betrayed me yet I still love him and want him back. How do u play with someone for 9 years through all the hell I put up with from him and I never once gave up on him. I have my flaws of course I questioned things but how couldn't I after all the stuff he put me through. This is too much for me I have turned over to god although I'm not religious at all but there's no permanent sense of relief. All I think is how much I miss him how much he hurt me and why is he doing this why did he do this. My whole day is sitting in darkness crying.. Then when I get the kids I have to pretend I'm ok when I'm dying inside. I have even contemplated suicide that's how badly I hurt. Any coping suggestions will be greatly appreciated
Sweetie I can totally relate to this. I was married just short of 25 years, I have 3 beautiful daughters and 5 grandchildren. My ex was in the army and posted down south for his last 2 years. He came home Dec 2013 and the following day told me he had met someone else and was leaving me. My whole world collapsed in a split second. He cheated on me most of the time we were married and every time I let it go. Six months after he left I filed for divorce and it never felt so good. You will go through grieving stages but eventually you will overcome it, trust me. I felt exactly the same as you. Focus on your children, that's what I did
one day you will see the wrong he has done you I promise. It's only been 2 months so it's still very raw for you but I do know how you feel. Sending big hugs to you xxxxxx
Coping suggestions (in no particular order):
1. Keep a notebook in which to write your thoughts, feelings and fears, as and when they occur each day, to unload an awful lot of weight from your mind and bring a return to clearer, more level-headed and relaxed/normal speed thinking. Do this after the kids are in bed and so that you'll find falling to sleep easier. You're agitated to the point of angsted because that's your more primitive mind's way of nagging you over and over to take remedial action, action that you *can't* take. Writing it down is an alternative positive action, ergo it'll ease that nightmare-ish 'itching' considerably.
1. Start NOW to revisit your late teens and early twenties to reacquaint yourself with who you were before you met and married him. Get out your old photos, outfits, perfume, diary,..play your old CDs, log onto Friends Reunited,... that sort of thing. This will remind you that you 'got a-long with-out ya..be-fore I met-ya, gonna get along without you now' (- Viola Wills), which is vital for giving you back a sense of hope, survival strength, inspiration and future).
Play it now and really listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JALXA3NgsU
Also listen intently to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heHZohwgc2U
1. Recognise that you've been forced into a process of grieving, which has recognised stages (but which can present as a confusing cocktail of whatever respective, ever-switching stage elements and proportions), meaning, you're presently in Shock ("OMG!") and Denial ("But WHY?!"), with a soupcon of Plea Bargaining ('He betrayed me yet I still love him and want him back') (trust me, soon enough, with further processing time, you will NOT).
1. Also recognise that you do *not* want to die. What you want is to put yourself on Pause for a while, and then only to avoid this keenest part of the pain. Unfortunately, that's not possible. If only you knew, though: this is a blessing in disguise which, despite doesn't FEEL very positive or joyous, is going to make you stronger AND happier (by a mile!). Think of it as psychological childbirth. It's not 'yet another' painful contraction, it's ONE LESS from the total, finite bucketful.
1. Keep your strength up so that you can better deal with this, psychologically, emotionally and physically. You won't feel much like eating, if at all, so I suggest you start to strew around the downstairs, little bowls of favourite 'foraging' food, ones that can't stick in your undoubtedly drier-than-normal throat and are nutritious and calorific (olives, tiny cubes of cheddar, cubes of wholemilk chocolate, carrot sticks dipped in Houmous, breadsticks dipped in Philadelphia) or stick to mainly liquid foods, like, milk, soup, Guinness (kid you not), fruit smoothies... Force yourself to take one or two nibbles or sips every time you pass a bowl/glass during your daily movements around the house. Even just a mixture of chocolate and chicken & vegetable broth in a mug plus a daily glass of juice with pulp is better than nothing.
1. Unless you can be rigidly self-disciplined about it or want MORE problems for yourself heaped on top, DO NOT start pouring yourself that second glass of wine every evening or else stick to non-alcoholic vinos (the convincing taste of them these days is enough to exert a placebo effect).
1. See your doctor about getting a prescription for either a mild sleeping pill (take LESS than the recommended dosage, just enough to GET you off to sleep) or anti-depressant (ask about Citalopram, 10mg). You need a lot more sleep than usual, it's the best coping mechanism there is, not just for re-charging your presently over-worked batteries thanks to your racing mind, but also because you need your unconscious mind to put things into order and work them out FOR Conscious You, via the process of dreaming. The more you sleep and dream, the faster you'll get through it all.
1. Indulge yourself in your fave feelgood DVD films and nibbles for when the kids are out of your hair so that you LOOK FORWARD (or at least cease dreading) the so-called lonely nights. Remind yourself that that is now YOUR telly, ALL YOURS! And start to mentally note what else you no longer have to negotiate and compromise over (or clean up after)...etc., etc.
1. You're not crying enough in the daytime when the kids are at school (or else you're not screaming/yelling, when you need to). Don't stop it prematurely, no matter that you SEEM to feel worse as you get going. Cry/yell until IT stops, meaning, until you're dry and numb, and just don sunglasses for going and collecting the kids from school (and invest in soothing eyedrops). If asked, say you've got Conjunctivitis.
1. Make an appointment with a solicitor for a free, initial consultation, if only to hear that you'll be SAFE, quite possibly BETTER off. You need this vital confidence- and turbo-boost, it's the best first step you could take out of ALL of these. If you know you're going to be anywhere between Okay and "WOO-HOO!" in a practical and financial way, that'll offload a CONSIDERABLE amount of depression and anxiety as will leave you suddenly stronger and more positive (enough to wipe the floor with the ex2b, if need be).
1. Seek out friends and family, preferably other divorcees, who'll let you talk about it to the Nth - until YOU start to feel bored.
1. Sounds like an empty platitude, but it's not: start acting like you're your own lover come best friend: treat yourself to a new image (haircut and clothes); take luxury bubblebaths with tealight candles, a glass (one!) of your fave wine and fave music playing.... and all-round really PAMPER AND SPOIL yourself. Again, do it by mere rote if you have to.
1. Make a point of listening to a radio station with regular news bulletins and reports. It'll keep the size of your woes in proportion and perspective.
1. Dare to admit as soon as you can manage it (to trigger the Acceptance portion of grieving in motion), that this act of his is just the ultimate, more easily definable symptom in a whole series of more minor ones throughout your entire marriage; that you don't need to fear single motherhood because that's what you always were, anyway, (despite with constantly activated and re-generated expectations that never quite got met as left you feeling chronically short-changed and defeated and, possibly, only half alive/sleepwalking); that there really ARE plenty (understatement!) more fish in the sea. (No, you don't/can't give a sh*t about this right now, but remind yourself anyway, for 'when' and for the catharsis of it.) In other words, you already KNOW why he did it: because he was always far more out for himself than you and the kids and wasn't ever properly committed.
I'll add more as and when I think of them.
There IS a permanent sense of relief (and greater happiness) waiting, but you're just not quite there yet. You will be. When, not If.
Feel free to keep this thread running long-term, whether just to vent or meantime get superb advice and tips on how to reach most smoothly that 'Gloria Gaynor' state-of-mind destination.
One I didn't have time to mention, a biggie (presuming you're still reading, if not yet responding):
Write a list (here, if you like) of every single negative thing, whether habitual or one-off, that you can recall regarding how this man treated you and would behave towards you (and the kids and anyone else) that you found hurtful, unfair, disheartening, inappropriate, non-cooperative, insulting, belittling, infuriating, exasperating, or anything that was in whatever way off-putting or made you feel let down, unloved and disrespected. Include any moments or episodes that had you thinking you should either leave or boot him out.
Anger is the easiest and fastest 'vehicle' emotion, which not only carries out with it a lot of anxiety whilst acting like a turbo-booster in terms of generating energy and proactivity, but is decidedly empowering. You need to allow yourself to get in touch with it before it inevitably 'hits' naturally, anyway, to speed things up a bit, as well as to switch from feeling seriously wronged and sorry for yourself. Although you're entitled to feel the latter, you can get stuck in it, meaning stuck in a sense of futility and inertia. So try this later-stage sentance on for size to see if it triggers you into 'rearing up': 'Who does he think he is? More to the point, who on earth does he think *I* am (that he could treat me like this and get away with it)!'.