Marriage and my children
Hi all, this is my very first time I have ever done anything like this and any opinion would be gratefully appreciated.
Me and my wife got married in September last year. So its a young marriage. I have 3 children (5,8,10) to a previous partner, and she has 4 children (3,6,13,15) all girls. I moved in with her (into her house) in February last year. My three children stop over with me on a Thursday And Friday night. At the beginning of August this year my wife walked into the girls bedroom and caught my daughter (5) pulling some wallpaper off the wall. This is not the first my daughter has done this. She pulled a curtain rail off the wall by swinging on it with the kids a few months. My wife went over the top and now has said that she has had enough of my children. They no longer stay at home with us.. And I am now resorted to sleeping at my mother's house on the Thursday and Friday night with my children. She has said some pretty nasty things about my daughter. Made it quite clear that she no longer wants them to come into the house anymore.. She doesn't even talk about, mention their names, ask how they are. Honestly, they are like they no longer exist to her now. I have tried reasoning with her, talking to her when she is calm. Everything, but she no longer wants anything to do with them, she hasn't seen them for nearly 3 months now. I feel sick, stressed, nervous, anxious, and panic, at the thought of not knowing where I am going to be staying when I have my children stopping over. I'm a complete mess. I have tried and tried and tried to make this marriage work, but if she does not want even see my children or talk about them then what hope do I have left. Does anyone at all have any opinion on why she is acting like this and if she is in the right, because apparently her friends and family all agree with her, and I'm left there having to defend myself and my children. Many thanks.
As soon as I saw the lineup (your children ages 5, 8,10, her children (3,6,13,15), all living in the same house, I thought, yeah, I'll bet there are some problems.
I believed my wife was cheating on me when our child was almost 4. I stayed for the child and the house we were buying. I stayed for the 2 paychecks under one roof. I stayed for the emotional problems I had and didn't know if I could make it on my own.
I stayed because I wasn't going to let someone who was in the wrong run me out of my own (1/2) house and away from my own (our) child. I stayed because I wasn't going to let someone who had done wrong take me son's father away from him. I stayed because I wasn't going to be penalized for someone else being caught doing wrong.
Now she did exert some pressure on me (she was sexually abused and was a borderline personality syndrome person, and had pathological anger). I did go to the heart doctor with chest pain from time to time, and she did cause other health problems, and she was trying to destroy me. So there was no winning side, in that, either way, it wasn't going to be good for me or the child.
The child did have problems because of the mother's pathology, so no one was spared. Everybody suffered. No matter which way you go in such a case, everybody is going to lose.
But your situation was what I was trying to avoid.
I think the only one who should be given a medal here is the 5-year-old who tried to destroy her house.
She is obviously reacting to being taken away from her mother and a two-parent household.
The alternative was our child was turned into a monster by his mother and had a child by his girlfriend at 16, and that grown child now has problems. So, again, there is no solution. Once the marriage goes bad, it doesn't matter if all stay in the same house, or divorce and everyone is split up. It doesn't matter.
If you stay in the same current house, the daughter won't like it. If you stay with your children at a different house, the children won't like that either. If you try to get back with your first wife, and the atmosphere is bad, they won't like that either.
Consider letting the kids stay at their mother's all the time, no moving around. Parent's screw up, parents pay for it, not the kids.
When I was 11, my father got a job far away, and we lived with our mother except on weekends when dad came home. Dad working far away did not greatly negatively affect us (especially when we got to stay at our house, not go to his house on the weekend.) Children need their mother at a time like that, not as much their father.
It's the mother who has the more calmative effect on the children.
I did good with my kid because I lived with him, and he got to stay in his own house all of the time.
If he wanted to play toys in his room or in the living room, I played toys with him. If he wanted to ride bikes in the back driveway or in the neighborhood, I watched him or rode bikes myself.
As I was telling my grandson a year ago when he was about to have a child, I said, "I liked the idea of both parents in the same house. I liked the idea of my wife in the kitchen baking cookies, and me playing games on the floor with our child in the living room." I told him, "I could do that all...day...long."
I was also trying to encourage him to stay with his child. Even if things get rough, all of you stay together. I know there are exceptions, but I'm talking about this side of it right now.
Hey Christopher. I can't believe that your wife is not being sensitive to the outburst of a 5 yr old. I might could understand if the child was 16. Children go through so much when parents divorce. Younger children don't know how to properly express their feelings so they act out in any way they can. My daughters were 8 and 10 when I divorced and they lived with their father and his wife who also had children. She favored her children and made my ex-husband and my children very unhappy. My oldest resorted to crying but was kind of able to talk about her feelings my youngest was angry. She was so angry and she took it out on anyone she came in contact with. That was the only way she knew to express her feelings. Patience and love is what they both needed and they also went thru several months of therapy. The girls moved back in with me and my ex left his new wife. I would suggest therapy for your children. Your children always come first. Don't let them feel like you love your new wife more than you love them. Your children need healthy adult actions in order for them to grow up strong and well adjusted. Don't let your kids suffer for your actions. I'm not saying that your actions were wrong by marrying this woman but your actions may be wrong if you knowingly allow them to hurt. You obviously cannot change your new wifes mind but you can protect your children from her unkind ways. The world is hard enough to live in so don't subject them to anymore hurt. You are their shelter and protector when they are growing up. I cannot stress enough to put your children first.
Were there other things that have happened with your children at the house? I can't believe that a woman who is raising 4 kids would get so bent out of shape on the one act of a 5 year old.
There are counselors who specialize in "blended families" issues. You and your wife need to participate ASAP or your marriage is doomed.
If someone doesn't love your kids she doesn't love u. It's time to let go.
I would put the kids back in the house with their bio mother.
I would take the boys on weekend outings,occasionally, for say, special events, say athletic games, or certain good movies, or hiking, riding bikes in a park, etc. I wouldn't necessarily take the 5 year old every weekend. Let her enjoy being with her mother.
Sometime I would ask the 5 year old if she wanted to join, if she didn't she didn't have to. I could sometimes ask the mother in advance, does the 5 year old want to go? If she doesn't, just pick the boys up at the door and take off.
I would consider taking the 5 year old on special events, a play or movie for kids her age, etc. I would consider allowing a playmate go with her to the movies, play, riding bikes, etc.
But let the kids stay at their house. And they don't have to spend the night at your place. Just take them to the park, those that want to go, to the movies, restaurant, play, bikes, etc., and afterwards bring them back to their home.
If you stayed married you could do that, just disappear on Saturday or Sunday, or whatever day(s) is agreed upon, take your kids to the park, take them back to their bio mother's home, and then you go back to your current wife's place. Just like you were going to play golf for a few hours.
If you're staying at a new place for yourself, same thing. On Saturday or Sunday, or whatever day is agree upon, take one or more of them to the park, to the movies, bike riding, to a restaurant, for a few hours, then take them back to their bio mother's. Just do that one day a week. And think of something new for next week.
Are you kidding me?
First of all, I divorced and remarried. I have two children and he has one all from previous marriages. As far as I am concerned, because his ex wife had her rights terminated, I am and will always be my step son's mother. He is concerned my biological son. I would never treat any child like that nor would I ask my husband to put me and my kids first when their is another child involved.
Honestly, if your wife can't love your kids like her own, then why stay married? Those are your kids and when you married her, they become hers to. She is a mother so she should be a mother figure to them.
I honesty couldn't stay in a marriage where my husband couldn't accept my children. My children will always be my first and main priority.