My life is a mess and background
I'm 21 (nearly 22) and my life is absolute mess at the moment. I'm a complete fuck up. I have no friends (the few friends I do have are low lifes), no money, no girlfriend, no job, no car, I'm lazy as fuck, I have a hard time doing things I don't want to do I'm shit at everything and I can never stick to anything. Since I've left school I've had 2 jobs (one lasted a week in a warehouse and one lasted two months in a factory) and it took me until 20 years of age to get my first job. I've always wanted to be successful in life and I've always hated the thought of having a normal job. Ever since I've left school my objective has been to find a career that can give me a good life, instead of the normal 9 to 5. While I wasn't working, I've failed with multiple careers (such as darts, poker, script writing, music producing and internet marketing). I believe I could of been successful with any of these careers and the reason I didn't was simply because of myself. I couldn't stick to any long enough and I had a serious problem switching back and fourth between a few, which resulted in no progress at all. I was also lazy, but I believe switching between them too often and was the main reason I failed. I've finally realized that internet marketing (if I don't do anything stupid) is the career I've finally settled for and they'll be no switching back and forth again.
Anyway, I would like to talk about my recent issues this year. As I mentioned above, I've always struggled at work. My first job in a warehouse (October 2014), I only lasted a week and failed to cope with the pressure and physicality and I was just generally shit at the job. I was then out of work for over 6 months until may this year, where I managed to land my job in a glass factory. I improved from the week at my first job and managed to make it until 2 months before I quit in July. I struggled at this job and was depressed quite a lot. I had arguments with my mom before and after work and I just hated. I felt like I didn't fit in and connect with most people as my personality is quiet and unconfident (i'm a quiet person). I could tell a lot of people didn't like me and feel left out. I wasn't too bovered about that though, my main issue was I just hated the job. I was also poor at the job aswel, receiving multiple warning while I was there. Every job I've had I've performed poorly. So the combination of hating the job and being shit at it, led to my demise in the end and I left July this year and have been out of work since. During my time at my second job, I used to question myself like whats wrong with me? I hardly talk to anyone, I don't fit in and I'm proper shit at the job. There was an instance where a new kid came into the job like a month after me and moved up to a higher job after 3 weeks, while I was still at the bottom. And I'm not gona lie, it hurt me and was a slap round the face.
Anyway, I signed on not long after in the August (back to square one) I hate the dole with a passion and I had a hard time doing what that asked me to do (it got proper strict compared to before I worked again). They tried putting me on shit courses left right and centre. My logic was there's no point trying to put me on courses when I need a job. A course wasn't going to make me money enough money. So anyway, I must of walked out of two courses and didn't end up going to one. This ended up with me having 3 sanctions against my name in early September and I walked out of the job centre promising myself to never sign on again. This meant that I never had no money coming in which was obviously a big problem now but I was determined to get a job as soon as possible, without the doles help, by myself.
Since being sanctioned off the dole, I had two opportunities to get back into work. I actually passed an interview and had a start date for work a week after being sanctioned, for a factory job and was actually looking forward to working again. But.. the worst situation ever happened. I overslept on my first day at a new job. I could not believe my luck. Despite hating my other jobs, I was never late once.. what a time for it to be my first time. I had a phone call saying why haven't you turned up? can u get here as soon as possible? and I was like I'm so sorry, I'm on my way right now.. but I didn't bovver going in. I've had a lot of stick from my family and friends like why didn't u go back in? and my motive for that was because I couldn't bring myself to turning up late on my first day of work.. it just doesn't happen does it. For me, I ruined it by oversleeping. I couldn't of embarrassed myself by turning up late for my first day and I ending up loosing my job. Devastated was an understatement.
Then my next opportunity came as recent as two weeks ago. I managed to land another job and had the start date and everything. It was a warehouse job and I actually turned up this time lol.. but it was short lived. I walked out on my first break after 3 hours. I didn't like the job. I had to drive a forklift (I've drove one before, but I'm shit at driving them) so I was all over the place on it (looked like a right twat) and I had to take apart a big cargo crate. Sounds straight forward but you had to use drills and hammers. After 2 hours I knew I wasn't going to last with the job and walked out on my break. The two reasons I walked out was 1. I didn't like the job 2. I felt embarrassed how poor I was performing (nothing new there, I've been poor at all my jobs). I gotta phone call when I came home off the agency, asking why did I walk out? and I blamed it on my mom being ill. The previous job in September was also through agency. I let both agencies down, I let the companies I was supposed to be working for down, I let my mom down, my dad down but most importantly I let myself down.
As for now, I'm broke and in a really bad place. I live with my mom and we've been struggling to pay the rent each month this year. Even when I was working it was a struggle and now that i'm not working.. we could face the possibility of loosing the flat this year. Due to having no money coming in, I was forced to sell my xbox one and 40 inch TV to get some money(which I worked hard for at my second job. And the money I did get and I had to give half to my mom for rent. I was gutted but I had too di it. But anyway, life's a real struggle at the moment and lately I've been getting depressed quite a lot. Thinking about taking my life actually seems reasonable as I'm a fuck up and can't seem to get anywhere. I've got the rope from my dressing gown and squeezed it tight agenst my throat for 5 minutes at a time a few times and it actually felt good. I've got nothing to do each day. No friends, no job, no money.. just existing in this flat. Me and my mom clash quiet a lot due to the rent and the fact that i'm not working. You know what, I really can't believe I've turned out like this sometimes. I had a good upbringing, it just all went down hill when I left school. I've struggled to adapt as an adult, I think its fair to say. The only thing that's kept me going is my future. The thought that I'm going to become successful one, I'm gona have a really good life and achieve all my goals.. but am I even capable of turning my life around and becoming successful? I've been in a bad place now for a at least 4 years and I've tried multiple times in the past to my life around and not once, have I been able to do it or stick to it. So basically, If I can't become successful and have a good future.. whats the point of my existence.
My intention ever since I was 18, was to get a job to fund my projects (darts, poker, internet marketing etc.). Not once was my objective to stay in a normal job for life. The plan (even to this day).. was to get the money that I needed for my career and then quit the job (the thought of spending most of your life in a job you didn't like, for a restricted wage was never for me.I want to become wealthy in the future and . I was happy with that and accepted that. I didn't care what other people thought about it. However, the main problem was I still couldn't even do that! I couldn't hold a job down long enough to obtain that money and I'm still starting from 0 for internet marketing now, at nearly 22. I need to raise £1,800 for a personal mentor who can help me succeed and a budget (which is roughly 2-3 months of work). The two problems I have are 1. Its hard and time consuming to get a job and 2. I can't hold a job down long enough even when I get one lol. Its a vicious cycle and its fucking up my life. I can't succeed until I stick to a job and then finally get started with a career that I actually want to do.
Not only is time running out for my personal goals, but also pressure to save the flat too. The personal goal was for 22 to be start of a new life for me. a positive one, independent and entertaining one. Achieving my goal consistently on a daily basis. I haven't been able to enjoy myself for the last few years and as I mentioned above, I've been in a dark period since at least 18 (it took me until 20 to get my first job, don't forget). But my fear Is that this dark period is going to continue into 2016, which wasn't the plan. At the moment, I'm searching everyday to get my next job.
Despite all the writing, it isn't a story lol (I wish it was). It's reality. And the reality is I need to fix up and change my life. Despite the negatives of this year, the positives I can take out of this year is I managed to loose 3 stone (I was 17 stone 2 start of the year, last time I checked I was 13 stone 12.. but I've probably but abit on since then. And I managed to improve the time I managed to stay at a job, compared to my first one (not like that matters now). But in terms of my weight loss, I've gone of the rails abit and started to slowly put it back on (once again, not being able to stick to anything). And it would be hard breaking to put it all back on after the progress I've made (I weigh myself once a month).
I've think I've wrote enough anyway lol, don't you? But look, just before I'm finished. I'm a very ambitious individual, I have lots of goals I want to achieve in life (in loads of different departments), I'm determined to turn my life around and do so much with my life.. I'm just really struggling at the moment. I'm a complete contradiction to where I want to be in life and it breaks my heart. I've had quite a few suicide thoughts lately and I don't like it, its not like me. Its just my situation at the moment is forcing me to think like that. My two main goals for the rest of the year are to get down to 12 stone.. and raise the £1,800 for my mentor. It would be a tight squeeze for both of them, but I've still got time to achieve them both. Worst comes to worst, my goals will go into January.. but I'd be very disappointed if I didn't achieve them by end of the year. Anyway, that's all from me. Massive apologies for the book that I've wrote (J K Rowling got nothing on me! haha) and if you've managed to read it to the end, I appreciate it and thank youyour time. Its just that I'm in a bad place at the moment and had to get it off my chest. Hopefully, I can message you again during happier times. All the best x
You were giving clues early in your letter. Running yourself down. But the one that got me was:
“I have a hard time doing things I don't want to do.”
Well, that’s me, also. I’ve told people, “I don’t want to do what a boss wants me to do, I want to do what I want to do.”
And probably about 25 other things you said in the letter.
I’m manic-depressive and I think you probably are, too.
Difficulty with jobs. You said:
1. “I can never stick to anything. Since I've left school I've had 2 jobs (one lasted a week in a warehouse and one lasted two months in a factory)”
2. “I've always wanted to be successful in life and I've always hated the thought of having a normal job”
3. “While I wasn't working, I've failed with multiple careers (such as darts, poker, script writing, music producing and internet marketing).”
You go from high extremes, to low levels, sometimes in one sentence:
“I believe I could of been successful with any of these (above) careers (high extremes) and the reason I didn't was simply because of myself” (low level evaluation).
You write, “I want to become wealthy in the future.”
4. You go from wanting to be “wealthy” and hopefully a successful music producer to:
“As for now, I'm broke and in a really bad place. I live with my mom and we've been struggling to pay the rent each month this year. Even when I was working it was a struggle and now that i'm not working.. we could face the possibility of loosing the flat this year.”
5. Pressure and manic-depression are common together:
“My first job in a warehouse (October 2014), I only lasted a week and failed to cope with the “pressure and physicality and I was just generally (poor) at the job.”
In my case, if I experience even a little bit of success, I can flip out the manic end of the situation, and a little bit of failure can put me into depression. A little bit of responsibility, can get my nerves going. So I know what you’re talking about.
You also write:
“But anyway, life's a real struggle at the moment and lately I've been getting depressed quite a lot. Thinking about taking my life actually seems reasonable as I'm a fuck up and can't seem to get anywhere. I've got the rope from my dressing gown and squeezed it tight agenst my throat for 5 minutes at a time a few times and it actually felt good.
"I've got nothing to do each day. No friends, no job, no money.. just existing in this flat. Me and my mom clash quiet a lot due to the rent and the fact that i'm not working. You know what, I really can't believe I've turned out like this sometimes. I had a good upbringing, it just all went down hill when I left school.”
So you mention “depression,” which is the depression part of manic-depression, you mention suicide, saying , ”I've had quite a few suicide thoughts lately and I don't like it, its not like me”
As far as “depression” you add, “I haven't been able to enjoy myself for the last few years and as I mentioned above, I've been in a dark period since at least 18 (it took me until 20 to get my first job, don't forget). But my fear Is that this dark period is going to continue into 2016, which wasn't the plan. At the moment, I'm searching everyday to get my next job.”
So, as with myself with this condition, there is an adequate amount of depression in the manic-depression side of the condition.
and you mention you and your mother “clash” because of money.
You close by saying: “and if you've managed to read it to the end, I appreciate it and thank youyour time. Its just that I'm in a bad place at the moment and had to get it off my chest. Hopefully, I can message you again during happier times. All the best x”
As a manic-depressive myself, I can let you know what’s going on with me.
2. While your outbreak is beginning at 20, we’’’ say, mine occurred at about 27, which is the ages that happens. I didn’t know what it was. And it probably took 10 years or more for everyone to figure it out.
You need to get the right diagnosis so you can get the right medicine. If you don’t get the right diagnosis, they’re not going to give you the right medicine. You can help with the diagnosis, by going to the search engine and typing in “manic-depression” or “bi-polar.”
Look at the symptons they give you and see how many you have. If you go to 5 or 6 of those sites, one or two of them might have a quiz of 10 questions, we’ll say. If you have we’ll say 8 of the symtons, you might have manic-depression.
The purpose of this is to let you know first what the situation is. Once you can tell your psychiatrist what you’ve found, rather than relying on him or her to figure it out in 15 or 30 minutes. Meaning, they can get it wrong, they’ve only known you for 30 or 45 minutes, whereas you’ve been aware of what’s going on for years.
So you can present them with your data soon after going into the office. Give them you answers to the 10 questions, and show them how many of the symptons you have. This is to help them make the right diagnosis, and reduce the chances that they mis-diagnosis you, which means they could mis-medicate you, which means you could go for years, decades, with the wrong medicine. So, tell/show them your findings soon into the first visit.
Have your data with you. Say, of the10 questions, I answered 7 or 8 which qualified me for this condition. That way you’ll be more convincing. If he denies the obvious, you don’t have to go back to the person, but go to another psychiatrist and see what he or she says.
I’m on lithium for manic-depression. It lifts the depression, it lower the manic, and it reduces my anger, all
3 of which I need. I rem. the first time I took lithium, I thought, “this is like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders.”
It was a great relief of pressure and tension. I had felt like a balloon that was about to pop. I wondered how I had gone so long without it. I know it was a great disappointment that I or my doctors had not figured it out sooner.
That’s why I stress to you, you tell them what you know, and if it doesn’t match up with the results of the quiz, get them to explain that, and you decide if you like that explanation. And if don’t you can go to another doctor.
There’s more I could write but this is a start.
Below is data on the condition. I do want to say, you probably need to go ahead and go to a psychiatrist, man or woman as you choose. You probably need to go ahead and get on some medicine. I'm on lithium and an anti-depressant. For one thing, you can just see if the medicine helps. Since you haven't been on this medicine, you don't know if it helps or not. The sooner you find out, the better, for you.
Below that is a col. on being positive that helped me.
Glad you wrote.
Bipolar disorder is classified as a mood (or affective) disorder, and is characterised by mood swings from the extremes of elevated moods (called the manic phase) and low moods (called the depressive phase). Patients often experience normal moods (euthymic phase) between these extreme episodes.
In the depressive phase, individuals with bipolar disorder will have persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, irritability, isolation and/or hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, and morbid/suicidal ideation.
In the manic phase, an individual will have increase in energy, grandiose or delusional ideas, racing thoughts, and a decreased need for sleep.
In addition to mood disturbance, an individual can also suffer from psychotic episodes, suffering a loss of contact with reality and may report hallucinations, delusions and exhibit personality changes.
Individuals suffering from bipolar disorder can exhibit different patterns of mood disturbance, with individual phases lasting days or months or being mainly manic or depressive in presentation, resulting in a clinical diagnosis of any of the six different forms of bipolar disorder.
While we don't yet know exactly what causes bipolar disorder, we do know that it appears to have a biological basis.
Individuals with bipolar disorder are 14 times more likely to have relatives who also suffer from fluctuations of mood, either in the form of bipolar disorder or in a related psychiatric condition, including major depression, schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia.
It is the appearance of these clinically distinct but related psychiatric conditions in the same families which suggests that the biological basis of these illnesses overlap.
Late adolescence and early adulthood are peak years for the onset of the illness. These are critical periods in a young adult's social and vocational development, and they can be severely disrupted by the onset of this disease.
Attention span is often low and the individual may be easily distracted, experience impaired judgment or engage in behaviour that is quite abnormal for them, for example, gambling or risky sexual behaviour. Sufferers are more likely to engage in substance abuse, however it is unclear whether this is a risk factor for later illness, or whether it is an attempt at self-medication of existing symptoms.
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.
So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re presented with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
“Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”