Loveless, disconnected marriage
My husband and I have had no sexual contact for almost a year. Recently I tried to talk about it with him. I said I thought there was a problem, and that I missed being with him. His first comment when I had finished talking was that my frequent bouts of depression were unattractive. Feelin he was just going to continue to blame me, I stopped talking with him and moved to another bedroom. We get along in day to day life, but it stops there. Tonight he told me he wanted me to move back into our room. When I mentioned his comment about my depression being a turnoff, he denied ever having said such a thing! The exact phrase was, "I wouldn't say something so mean." He won't see a Counselor with me, is there anything I can do besides pack?
If you want someone to talk to I'm here
HKDAN, please follow this link and respond to a concern of mine: http://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/7661/Being-The-Other-Woman.
"His first comment when I had finished talking was that my frequent bouts of depression were unattractive. Feelin he was just going to continue to blame me, I stopped talking with him and moved to another bedroom."
HAVE you been suffering frequent bouts of depression? Or was this too obviously just an excuse scraped from the bottom of the barrel?
Yes, I do have a serious problem with depression. I have a chronic pain condition that I feel has run my life for the last 15 years. I know my husband resents that many times my health has caused cancelled plans, I can do less and less. Meanwhile he has a severe disability he has had since he was 10 years old, and manages to excel. He is well thought of in the community of people in his career path. Andhe'sfun and I'm not. I guess I feel our breakup, which I do not want, is inevitable. His unwillingness to be with me as a real married couple to me is the first step. Sorry,didn't mean to write a short story.....
(No, I'd rather you DID write a short story, as you put it.)
"I know my husband resents that many times my health has caused cancelled plans"
""I wouldn't say something so mean.""
Oh, yeah, he would. And then deny it the minute he felt in the mood to get something he wanted but requiring going through you to get.
So he has a disability that he manages to conquer (what is it, btw?) and you have a disability/condition (ditto?) but which you and, presumably, the medical profession can't conquer and which therefore depresses you, as any chronic condition inevitably would? But he's had a lot more years of practise than you at learning to manage his, hasn't he. Plus, the point where he learned to live with his was when still at an age of extreme motivation and positivity. Yes?
Does his cause him chronic pain as well or is his more about inconvenience? (I'll answer that for you, shall I? It USED to cause him chronic pain.)
OHHHH, you must be suffering and lagging behind him just to piss him OFF, eh....because you find doing that plus inconveniencing him some kind of FUN, right? Stands to reason. ...If you're a selfish, unempathetic idiot, that is. Which he clearly is.
Know what this reminds me of? The husband who one night turned to the wife whose father and favourite parent had at that point only just been buried for 2 weeks, the funeral (how very dare he!) having clashed by 3 days with said husband's 40th birthday, and told she who was already still crying out of grief how he was, quote, really quite [man talk for 'extremely'] disappointed that she hadn't organised him some sort of big garden-party bash like his business partner's wife had done a few months before. Know what she responded? This: "Oh, I am SO SORRY I was too otherwise-distracted to have not left it at remembering to shop for gifts from myself and the kids and wrap the damn things! You're quite right, I should have put down my box of tissues and done as [partner's wife's name] did and organised a marquee with a live band and mountains of food and booze, sent out hundreds of invitations and made loads of phonecalls, etcetera-etcetera... In fact, I could EVEN, were I not so selfish, have jumped up onto the stage, wrested the microphone from the singer and sung,
'I DID IT *YOUR* (EFFING) WAY!!!'
And then she divorced him because it was the last straw.
You might feel you NEED this man, just because someone in your condition would do, but, really, it sounds like emotionally and psychologically you need him like you need a hole in the head!
Just because you suffer from a condition which now has reached the extent where it could be called actual incapacity, doesn't mean you have to settle for 'getting along' on the day-to-day superficial level rather than experience the joy that is the romance of the century (yours). And did it ever occur to you, Mrs Preemptively-Over-Empathetic-&-Apologetic, that you might be the type (i.e. not a cat-kicker) who expresses her misery physically/bodily (kicks herself)? Or that this would logically and quite commonly mean some portion of your pain were down to the fact you were 'locked into' life with a mean, selfish, self-centred, VERY un-empathetic individual?
I mean, let's examine the lack of empathy, shall we? Granted, a lot of men can't really empathise unless or until they've experienced 'a taste of the same medicine', but THIS ONE *HAS* AND YET HE *STILL* LACKS ANY - TO THE POINT OF SEEING YOUR PAIN AS HIS HUGE INCONVENIENCE!
Good grief, woman. If I'm right so far then you have TWO handicaps and should wave him off-Amen with a packed lunch containing a note that reads, 'Please take good care of this sandwich! (- that's about your level when it comes to love and care)'.
Do your grieving and then wait to find yourself a man who loves and cherishes you - YOU - YOUR MIND AND PERSONALITY - so much that it to a large extent or EVEN WHOLLY heals you (not least because, he sees your problems and pain are HIS problems and pain, not his huge inconvenience)! I mean - seriously. Even *I* would be in or in greater chronic mental and physical pain if I were married to a mean-spirited-sounding git like that. Because he's the type whose love makes women ILL!
I'm not joking or just coining a phrase, either. Being married too long to a git will make even a healthy woman flounder; it's just a matter of time (drip, drip, drip...). Plus we can also factor in the now-proven theory belonging to Dr Terrence Real, which explains how women - being traditionally the emotional caretakers of the relationship - will TAKE ON, as in sponge up, whatever degree of her husband's issue(s), inadequacies, or even chronic pain, just to avoid representing any unflattering contrast as could cause him to feel inadequate when up against her side-by-side, turning into jealous resentment that could pose a danger in terms of spilling over into and marring the psycho-emotional quality of their relationship. Hence you get so-called alcoholic women married to men whose alcoholism preceded their meeting or her own habit, whom, virtually the minute they split, suddenly ceases or cuts her own intake - POOF, LIKE MAGIC! ...which is because, unbeknownst to either of them, *he* was the one with the disability or greater extent of until she, without even realising, TOOK A LOAD OFF HIM. He, meanwhile, without someone to 'do' a large portion of his drinking FOR him, goes increasingly down the pan.
Me, I keep it simple and call it PARASITE.
And you wonder why he wouldn't want to put that messy but (for him) cushy ball of wool in front of a magnifying glass-eyed, expert-unraveler known as 'counsellor'? No, luv, the question is, why WOULD he!
This lovely-lovely 'husband' of yours is not going to, quote, excel or be considered fun any more. YOU are. :-)
Again, assuming I've identified this right and you feel your mind do a PING! (including, He's been flourishing more and more whilst I've been declining more and more) - please trust me on this and let him leave. In fact, why don't you be the good little wifey one last time and pack FOR him, just to speed that up a bit. ;-)