Not sure what to do with my marriage
Hello, I have a problem and not sure what to do. I live in Illinois due to my job which pays me well and my wife refuses to move to Illinois to be with me because she doesn’t like it here. My wife moved to Pennsylvania about a year ago and been staying with my mother who is fine. She lived here with me for 2 years when I got notice from my job that they were going to move me back to Pa; they later changed their mind about it and I am no longer moving. It’s been going on like this for almost a year and I asked my wife to move back since I ran out of vacation time which she refuses.
Financially it has been a mess which we are in debt. She controlled the money and bills with both of our checks going to one account; I was never involved in the bill paying and never bothered even looking at the account.
After sometime of pressuring her to move back, she finally got fed up with it and called and said it was over with. She also removed her paycheck from the account and also asked me to remove her from my insurance. Basically she left me with all the bills which I have been slowly paying on. She is also using one of my cars because she doesn’t have one and says she will take care of auto insurance as long as I let her use it which I agreed to. She is still living with my mother!
We have not spoken since that phone call in 4 weeks, only the occasional email, here and there. She also mentioned in an email, that she will help me with the bills.
Basically the question I have is how do I know it’s time to move on? I was going to give it another 2 weeks of complete silence with her and see if she calls and wants to save the marriage. There has never been any abuse or cheating. We got along pretty good except for financial matters because of my spending. Now, just so you know, she spent too. We have no children together either besides a dog which I currently have
If you have health insurance you should find a qualified marriage counselor to help you decide what to do. It sounds like she wants out and you don't sound like you feel strongly either way. I think you should find a therapist at least for once or twice.
Wow - how did things get like this? Was this an arranged marriage?
Does your mother know what's going on?
Not sure how this happened but it threw me for a loop. Our marriage is not arranged, we fell in love after seeing each other for a while and got married.
My mother knows what's going on but doesn't say anything to me. She says they don't talk about this at all which surprised me. Find it hard to believe that my wife is staying with her and they don't talk about it. My mother likes her a lot and they get along great. My mother just tells me to leave my wife alone so she can think
I just don't know what do about any of this. My wife's Facebook still has all my photos on it and there's photos of her on mine.
I think your mother, in her wisdom, is trying to tell (convince) you that your wife is firmly on the fence about whether or not to stay married to you and better left to make that decision freely in her own time(zzzzzzzz...), without any pressure ("how verray dare hyou!").
A part of your mother (or wholly for all I know?), in her selfishness, rather LIKES having live with her a woman with whom she, quote, GETS ALONG GREAT, and would want that to continue (with you the funder), as is influencing said 'wisdom' of hers.
= "Don't try to tackle things head-on/leave things be for now, blah-blah".
So that's TWO women who act first and foremost in their own interests rather than in yours, isn't it. Does that perhaps explain your choice of wife?
Here's the deciding factor: You shouldn't ever settle for anyone who isn't absolutely sure in their mind that they are committed to being with you and only you Amen, no matter WHAT within-reason problems each of you or life might throw on your joint path for resolving. Maybe you *would* be going back to PA if you thought there was anything worth going back TO, eh?!
Furthermore, if this woman refuses to do marriage or any part of it, as a VERB as warrants the noun, instead FOR A WHOLE YEAR AND COUNTING wanting the salary and perks for zero work whilst you do the work WITHOUT any salary and perks, then, you are as good as divorced already, just without the legal rights, support and backing...Which means...
1. Freeze then close this joint account. Joint accounts are for [HUSBANDS AND] WIVES, not over-entitled takers who do nothing but hide conveniently behind the title.
2. Remove her from your insurance and anything else.
3. Keep a written log of all the bills and expenses (and receipts) YOU paid that she was mainly or wholly responsible for racking up in the first place.
4. Take re-possession of your car, sell it and use the money to put into a savings account in your name only. If she wants to be financially maintained by you, she can raise a divorce petition as includes a court order for a fair amount in Interim (pre-settlement) Maintenance.
5. KEEP ALL MARITAL DEBTS INSITU (so that a divorce court can deduct 50% of their total from any final spousal settlement amount).
6. Print out and keep safe that email of hers, promising to help. ('Help', my a*se. Take own responsibility for, more like!)
7. Buy her a cake, and when you hand it to her (when collecting your car), say, 'Let's see you eat yet simultaneously keep THIS one since you think you're so good at it?!'.
People can't take serious advantage of you and your kindness if you don't LET them.
Hope that helps (although I doubt it'll have improved your mood - "soz").